It's The Good Kind Of Chaos That Hurts In The Satisfying Way

Let me tell you how I out thieved these two thieves at work.

So I work a retail job on top of many other jobs, and these two girls were in and out of my store at least 8 times. Which is sketchy and pretty much a give away that they were quite obviously stealing things, I’d see them stick their hands in their pockets or in their bags, but I was the only person at work today so I couldn’t stop checking people out in order to confront them…..which im sure they noticed.

Fast forward a few hours when they finally come back in, they had decided to purchase something to seem less suspicious. A 4$ pair of pearl earrings. At this point there is no one else in the store so I think Game On.

While they were scanning the shelves for anything else they might want, I’m looking at their pockets. I can clearly see the small ring through the fabric that they swiped earlier, the outline of tags shoved in their back pockets, amateurs.

Now for those of you that don’t know, I was stranded in Ireland for about a month with little to no money when I was a teenager and had to resort to being shady to get by till my cousin got me a ticket home. 

Long story short, I am an excellent pick pocket. But I only use my powers for good instead of evil now. 

So I followed them around the store pretending to bump into them as I put items back on the shelves, I stole NOT ONLY the product that they took, but everything in their back pockets. Now before you wag your finger at me just hold on a minute. They come to the register to get the one item they decided to pay for, and I’m smiling the whole time.

 I tell them they price and then…I wait. 

The one girl frantically patted her pockets, clearly confused and she looked at the other girl to ask “Where’s my money at?”  This girl is clearly upset at this point and I suggested “Oh hey maybe you dropped it?” in the most sincere retail voice I can force my vocal cords to produce. Her and her friend drop to their knees and start searching for it. I let them continue like that for 10 minutes before I tell them that I had found it earlier and forgotten. 

“You really should be careful the more you have in your pockets the easier it is for your money to fall out :)))))” I say, the statement unnerved them, they didn’t know if i KNEW or not. But they awkwardly shook it off with a laugh and I start to ring up the earrings again. BUT THIS TIME, I reach over the counter and start to ring up the items I had taken from their pockets. I dropped the tags on the counter and the merchandise hit the table hard, just like these girls mouths hit the floor. 

You should have seen their faces it looked like someone had sucked the very essence right from their bodies. “Oh no she did not.” The one girl whispered as she checked her pockets yet again. Yes, Yes I did :) i’m beaming, their reaction added ten years to my lifespan. They apologize, laughing it off like it was a funny joke. But I’m not done yet.This time I look them dead in the eyes and go “Would you like me to ring out whats in your bags too before security gets here?” 

Shock, pure dismay and anguish come over them, they look at each other. Each of them looks at me like I have personally came and shot their dogs. I AM LIVING, I’m reveling in the situation. Slowly, they lift their bags and dump out more products than Mary Poppins could shove in her bottomless purse. I start ringing it all up. They look horrified. A total of 400$ worth of items. I hold the fate of these girls in my hands and they know it. Over 200$ is a felony larceny charge. But I think they have suffered enough and jail is not fun so I present the ultimatum. 

“You buy it all and I’ll let you go.” 

and that is how I made all my sales goals and fucked with some shoplifters. 

I recommend this movie more than I recommend air.

Newt Scamander

Lloyd has no luck with fighting I swear

s1: you can't fight, Lloyd, you're too small

s2: you can't fight, Lloyd, you'll start the final battle

s3: you can't fight, Lloyd, your power makes the bad guys stronger

s4: you can fight this guy who has about 100x the power you have

s5: I'm gonna possess you and make you fight your friends

Hufflepuff common room/dorms

IT'S MASON!!!

Dippers name

Ok, so in Gravity falls we don’t know Dippers real first name.

What we do know is that a couple of generations above them were another set of pines twin’s names Stanley and Stanford.  At least someone in the pines family gets a kick out of twins with ridiculously similar names. My girlfriend pointed out that possibly Dipper was the same, and maybe the reason they gave only one twin a nickname is because the names were similar, causing confusion. Picking a word out she thought of “Gable” After confirming that Gabel was in fact a real name, we looked up the meaning and…

Triangular…

Just a thought.

if you’re struggling for AU ideas take a look-see at this list i wrote for my friend who dubbed it “better than the 10 commandments" 

1)     Coffee shop AU

i)       Barista and person who has a ridiculous coffee order

ii)      I’m worried about your coffee dependency

iii)     you accidentally poured boiling hot coffee over me so you’re responsible for taking me to A&E

iv)     you give me a different fake name every time you come into starbucks and I just want to know your real name bc ur cute but here I am scrawling “batman” onto your stupid cappuccino

2)      Flower shop AU

i)       You buy a weird amount of flowers and I’m concerned as to why

ii)      I’m allergic to flowers but I work in a flower shop – you’re a customer who’s very confused as to why I’d do that

iii)     (this is also a good way to incorporate flower meanings eg, buying certain colours/types for person to represent feelings etc.)

3)      Library AU

i)       You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m tracking u the fuck down

ii)      I work in the library and I’m a little concerned for your health bc you never stop studying

iii)     The library’s pretty empty save for you and me and OH that couple making out loudly in the shelves somewhere

4)      Awful first time meeting

i)       I accidentally punched you in the face when I was too overexcited about something

ii)      I thought you were my friend who’s just done something awful to me (read: cut my hair while I slept, dyed all of my clothes pink, etc. etc.) because you look similar from behind so I stormed up to you and shoved you from behind while calling you an asshole

iii)     You get the gist to this one

iv)     Oooh when you told me your name I thought you were joking because it’s fucking awful and I made a joke about it and things got awkward real fucking fast (perfect for a Hannibal au just saying)

5)      Weird places to meet/awkward meetings in general

i)       We live in the same block of flats but haven’t ever talked and Sunday morning we were both doing the walk of shame and had to stand in the lift together

ii)      “okay I know that being in the woods at 2am is a weird thing to be doing but my friend called me and- wait, why are you in the woods at 2am, fuck I’m going to die aren’t I?”

iii)     A personal favourite of mine – first day at a new job and oh fuck my boss is the person I drunkenly hooked up with last weekend/night

iv)     We keep accidentally running into each other I’m not a stalker I swear

v)      You live across from me in our apartments and we smile when we see each other but we don’t really know each other and oh you’re the stripper at my friend’s stag do/hen night fuck this is really uncomfortable

vi)     “My shower’s broken but I’ve got a date tonight could I possibly use your shower please?” “Oh sure (neighbour that I’ve been crushing on for the past six months) of course you can use my shower to get ready for your date (fuck fuck fuck)”

6)      Friends to romance – pining and all that wonderful shit

i)       You’ve got a date tonight and you asked for advice on what to wear but I’m so in love with you and damn you look good in the outfit I picked out for you

ii)      I really like you but you’re my best friend’s ex

iii)     You’ve liked me for ages and were really obvious about it and I didn’t like all the attention but now you’re over me I really miss it and fuck I think I like you too?

iv)     Somewhere along the way of getting into bar fights together, staying up all night with movie marathons, other friendship things, I’ve fallen in love with you but oh my god this could ruin EVERYTHING

v)      Friends with benefits oh wait I like you

7)      FAKE DATING HOLY SHIT I LIVE FOR THIS

i)       It’s my highschool reunion and I need a hot date so I can rub it in the faces of the people who hated me

ii)      My homophobic parents are coming to visit will you pretend to date me as an extra “fuck you”?

iii)     There’s a person who won’t stop bugging me will you pretend to be my partner so that they’ll fuck off?

iv)     I told my sister I have a boyfriend so she’d stop trying to set me up with people but now she’s coming to visit and I’m in too deep I need a fake boyf ASAP

8)      Soulmate aus

i)       The first words your true love(s) will say to you are tattooed on you and why the fuck are their first words something really ridiculous like ‘I’ll pay you a tenner to punch me in the face’ or ‘quick what’s your favourite animal’ or ‘fucking shit hell holy fuck wow oh my god jesus h Christ fuck me’ etc. or even worse a really ridiculous song lyric like  the opening lines of uptown funk or a high school musical song or smthing did you have to serenade me the first time you saw me asshole?

ii)      You get an ‘impression’ of your soulmate when you turn 18 or something but all I got was a strong smell of bananas or an overwhelming feeling that Thatcher was a good prime minister or an image in my mind of a fucking unicorn

iii)     The more ridiculous the better actually

iv)     Something like whenever your soulmate sings a duet you can’t help but join in and my fucking soulmate is in a goddamn band but I can’t sing for shit

v)      Or maybe something like soulmates always sneeze at the same time and I cant be sure but me and this kid in my French class just sneezed at the same time are we soulmates or was it a coincidence (proceed w character trying to make themselves sneeze around said person to see what’s what)

9)      Alternate universes for real

i)       Mermaids

ii)      Siren and asexual pirate who doesn’t understand why all his crew are losing their shit that person has a nice voice sure but what the fuck is happening

iii)     Hogwarts

iv)     We live in a world where the greek gods are real and you went and got yourself cursed and now I have to go on a fucking quest to sort this shit out why do I love you again?

v)      Pacific rim au (either they’re drift compatible or one of them is a ranger and the other stresses constantly bc what if they die yes I have read a fic like this no I didn’t come up with this one but it’s fucking good) (also if you haven’t seen that film go watch it now)

vi)     Literally any movie or book universe you like tbh just go for it

10)   Other aus that I like

i)       I wanted to go on the ferris wheel but there has to be two people to a cart come on random person let’s go oh wait are we stuck at the top? Fuck

ii)      We work in the same office and you have a goddamn squeaky chair and you wONT FUCKING STOP SQUEAKING IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT ANNOYS ME

iii)     Our mutual friend set us up on a blind date and I thought I’d hate it but you’re actually… kind of funny? But because I expected to hate it in no way am I going to let you change my mind just because you’re gorgeous and funny and intelligent oh no my friend is not winning this

iv)     It started to snow and I’m the only one of our friends who would go outside with you – I soon found out why none of the others would go out in the snow with you (this works best if they’re new friends who don’t know each other all that well) when you shoved a handful of snow down my back and declared snow war

v)      It’s nowhere near Christmas it’s literally still November would you calm down about Christmas wait no why are you getting the tree out no stop please stop (if you do this pre-relationship you can have the grouchy one secretly finding the other’s excitement endearing and falling in love with them actually that works for established relationship too)

vi)     Current partner got a new job in America (or other country far away) and we’re getting by on skype calls and emails but it’s not easy and then I met someone new (can be poly or can be finding the OTP person)

vii)   You want us both to get in shape and I hate working out/running but your ass looks really good in shorts oh the things I do for my friends and their nice asses

viii)  Carrying on from 10.vii. you’ve caught me checking you out in what I thought was a subtle way too many times and now you’re calling me out on it what do I do???

ix)     You’re an actor/other famous person that I really admire and I just saw you in the street and as I was debating whether or not to say hi you came up to me and started flirting what do I do??

x)      You were waving at your friend behind me but I got confused and waved back at you and now I’m dying of embarrassment but you think it’s cute

xi)     I sat down in the wrong class and I’m panicking but don’t want to get up and leave because the class has started and you think it’s hilarious and shut up you dumb fuck you don’t know me aahhh

xii)   I’m a waiter at this wedding and you’re a drunk guest who will not stop hitting on me please I’m trying to work no I can’t dance with you omg let me find you some water

xiii)  Our best friends are that awful ‘cute’ couple that make-out in public and call each other “sweetie” and “sugar” and “babe” and god they’re awful let’s talk about how awful they are – develops into “shit we’re the awful couple now”

xiv)  You pissed me off in class so I threw a book at your head and now I’m in detention and jesus fuck I hate you so much and the teacher made me apologise and wait you’re cuter up close and the way you talk is kind of nice actually oh fuck no

Okay I could go on forever but this is over 1,500 words of auing already I have too many ideas christ

send me some to @theskyis-forever

Fear (Zootopia)

Title: Fear

Notes: Again I found myself with a hefty amount of feels for something and figured, whatthefuckever, let’s just put some words down to paper and get on with our lives. This was meant to be fluff but it came out as… I don’t even know, to be honest. It’s mostly introspection from Nick’s POV, with some added angst and fluff tossed in for good measure because yeah. That’s what I’m here for. Here there be dragon- errrr minor backstory spoilers for both Nick and Judy, but no movie plot spoilers at all. Read at your own discretion if you’ve not seen the film yet!

Pairing: There’s mild Nick/Judy elements here, but it could still be read as platonic, I thiiiink.

Rating: T Because Nick curses in his mind. Otherwise it’s really entirely G. This is a trend with my writing apparently, I’m sorry ffff

Summary:  It was almost hilariously ironic, that this one, tiny bunny scared him more than anyone else within Zootopia.

Keep reading

It provides so much truth

I believe every fandom needs to see this.