Often,
often,
i feel like a lost sailor in a vast expanse of ocean. A tiny dot of an entity, in comparison to the hugeness of the sea. At times, waves toss my small dinghy, water pouring over the sides, soaking me to my bone. I lie gasping for air in the face of such great loss and pain.
Other days I can lay against the side of the ship, hand dangling in the water, and allow myself rest. Soft shoals of sand shimmer far beneath the calming ebb of the waves, lulling me to sleep.
Raising my spyglass to my eye provides little to no insight into the future temperament of the sea.
Sometimes I wish i could delve deep into the waves themselves. Find the tides and currents that I would ride to new destinations. No longer confined to my tiny vessel. No longer at the mercy of that next storm.
I wonder if one day life will allow for more control over my direction. My destination.
I wish to navigate this sea with the adeptness not only of sailors, but of the creatures that live inside it. I want to make this chaos known. As familiar as a home.
But for now i am battered helplessly against walls of water. Tossed from moment to moment, clinging onto my ship for dear life. Praying for the next soft day. Constantly at the mercy of the ocean. Lost without a will of my own.
I grow tired of battling for an inch of direction. Maybe one day I will know this sea better.
More Posts from Insidethecrypticbluemind and Others
september will be kind. september will be magical. september will bring the missing energy. september will be working towards our goals and self. september will be a month full of growth.
I come back here when things are hard. So in spite of previous posts, please believe me when i say,
things have been better.
I’ve always said things do get better. And I’ve always been right about that. You know, he’s repeated those words to me. That brought a smile to my face. And I am still right.
I’m thinking of the nights when I used to break apart in my bed. A pain in my heart so palpable it scarred my skin. And then days passed. Years even. And the wounds healed and the days were bright and I found happiness again.
I haven’t felt pain like that again. And I don’t think I ever could. I know too deeply that I am beautiful and loved, for that ache to return.
It does get better.
Always.
~
However, I still get tired. And frightened. And sad. Right now I feel that.
The world feels like it crumbles beneath my fingertips. I believe in love. In safety. And my assurances fall away like dry sand. Every day scrapes by like a wounded soldier, dragging himself home.
I apologize for being so dramatic, to you the empty void. I’ve been missing love for so long.
And It’s always felt too good for me.
You know, in church we used to sing hymns? Horrible things. Monotone and droning. And there they’d weave their messages for me. A wretch they sang, working my mouth with needle and string. Sewing words in hungry earth, that blossomed into an endless fear.
A wretch. That I was not good enough for any type of love, except for love from a being you can not see, can not hear, and can not touch.
And my fear grows. Am I loved?
Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? AmIlovedamilovedamilovedamiloved oh please god let me be loved.
it’s nice for a time but everyone’s gotta wake up and start dreaming again....
today my bones are made of the most fragile flowers. I feel little blue petals brush against my lips. Gently
i think i allow myself
to feel happy
for a tiny moment. One that I expected to last for a breathtake - but now my lungs are still full of air. Where’s all the water gone? I can breath. Where’d all the darkness go? I can feel again.
Who is there
hesitating
TORTLES!!!
i felt bad about this acc then i read my own post and laughed so nvm it’s amazing
god things have been so hard recently
catJAM
blue’s dreaming of airplanes,
try not to speak too loud.
I am split in half like a horizon
Eyelids flickering- waiting for the sunrise.
-come with mewe will lay under grass in moss and starsloneliness will be forgotten-
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