Vent Post About Dying Young And Being A Bad Dog: An Unofficial Writing

You gave up on me Michael. A naive part of me still believes you’re a short drive away, because I can’t believe you’d just leave without saying goodbye.

i’m processing some tough stuff, i might post excerpts from the journals i have from them,, idk what to do everything feels like static

ugh i’m bored, need a new fp to obsess over to keep shit interesting. 🙄

god she’s not findable on anything. i just want to make sure she’s alive, and okay. she needs someone to protect her and i couldn’t and i need to fuxking find her im going to cry

her name is Laura. and i failed her and my bad brain forgot her name for so long. i’m so sorry Laura, i am.

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.

Had a session about why closure is hard today, both because of him and because of me. Wrote another goodbye letter. I can't bring myself to post most of it but here was the ending. A proof of existence if you will.

wish i could see luc like i used to,, they put me on too many meds and now he’s just a voice in my head sometimes. like??? give me my friend back???? pls n thanks????

everything about me is dark, but when i color- i always do it in rainbow. maybe there’s light in me somewhere.

i wish i still had michael. right now he would let me talk about the weight of the world that is currently squeezing the life out of my very lungs- until i physically could no longer keep my eyes open and it turned some ungodly hour of the night. he would hear my deepest darkest fears, he would hear how i have to face them to make the right decision, he wouldn’t make me do it alone like i currently have to. he would stand outside in the rain, or pick me up a pint of ice cream from three hours away, or just take me on a drive into utter oblivion. he would let me lay my head on his lap in the backseat of his car, or he’d help me grab a blanket to go stare at the stars, and he wouldn’t complain about how my tears are soaking into his clothes yet again when he finally coaxed me to talk about it all.

he would stand by me until i felt like i could stand on my own again.

i hate this. i cant do this on my own. i don’t have anyone who could let me talk this out in the way that i need to. i don’t even know what i would say, but with him the words would just tumble straight from my heart right out of my mouth.

i need that safe space, i don’t know how to ask someone to do that- i don’t even know if you could.