TRASH SUGAR MAGIC

The Two-faced Secretary.

TRASH SUGAR MAGIC

➛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 9: ʏᴏᴜ, ꜱᴀɴᴄᴛᴜᴀʀʏ

➛ nikolai gogol x fem!reader

➛ mature content, fluff, angst, death, slice... of life | words: 7.8k

➛ ao3 | spotify | main menu | discord (18+)

Three days without talking to Viktor feels like a crime.

No news, no updates. 

Nikolai is slumped on the couch with the Eyes of God laptop at his side. The notebook on his lap is filled with scribbles of words and numbers. The hot mocha you made an hour ago has gone cold and the ashtray at his feet is filled with cigarettes. 

“Is he angry at me?” Nikolai mumbles to himself, lips pouting. His thumb has been hovering over the call button on Viktor’s contact page on the screen of his phone for five minutes now. He wants to talk to Viktor about your father but he does not have the courage to start the conversation. 

That night, he told Viktor that your father was near the border between Russia and Belarus. A clear attempt to flee the country alone, obviously. Viktor also told the middleman to the loan sharks about it and Nikolai wondered if anything had happened to your father yet. 

What if they caught the man? Will you still be used as a hostage, despite the many times you have said that you are useless to be used against your father? What if he does pay his debt? What will happen to you? Will you return to your home? Will you leave him? 

Nikolai is already uneasy. He has been uneasy for a while. He needs answers. He needs the events to happen right now. He does not think he has the patience to play the waiting game any longer. 

“Kolya…” 

Nikolai turns to the side and sees you holding a broom and leaning against the wall with a solemn expression. He frowns. He sees the broom you are holding. You are practically the unpaid maid of this house. Nikolai does not even know what the hell are you cleaning because he does not think his apartment is a big mess. But he just lets you do your own thing. Maybe sweeping bacteria is one of your favourite hobbies. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks. “What’s with that face, hm?” He says, surprisingly, a tint of gentleness is apparent in his voice that it even shocks him. 

You grumble something and put the broomstick against the wall before you approach him. Right at the other spot beside him, you plop down onto the couch. You tilt your head, resting it on his shoulder. 

“I’m bored…”

Nikolai blinks confusedly. For one reason, he is quite baffled by the sudden closeness but this is the girl who happily hugged his arm on the first day of her kidnapping. His bafflement does not last long. He is used to this. He is so used to this. 

“Well, what do you want me to do then?” Nikolai sighs. He watches your naughty hand trying to take the notebook off his lap in curiosity. Quickly, he slaps your hand away. “Hands off, dolly.”

“What are you scribbling? Mantra?”

“Mm-hm.” He just approves your wonder. You glance at him and then huff. Nikolai snorts, teasingly tugging your hair. “Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“I’m just curious.” You sulk before pointing your finger at the page of the notebook. “Besides, I can’t even understand any of these! Anyone from afar will think you were trying to draw spaghetti.” You whine, poking your finger on the page. 

“Thanks for calling my handwriting ugly as fuck, darling. Appreciate that.” Nikolai grumbles before he seizes your hand and tosses it aside. “Even if I explain it to you, you won’t understand.”

“Does it have something to do with your Peters plan?” You ask and Nikolai silently nods. He closes the notebook before putting it aside. 

“How will you go there? By car?” You ask again as you lift your head from his shoulder. Nikolai sighs before he finishes the cold mocha he has abandoned for a while now. 

“Train. I’ll sell the car before leaving this city.” He replies. 

“And what about this house?”

“Sell it.”

“Your clothes?”

“Bring it along.”

“Viktor?”

“Mm, he doesn’t wanna go anywhere.”

“Me?”

Nikolai halts. He turns his head at you, staring with an unreadable gaze. And your eyes are returning that gaze with glimmering hope. His heart tickles and Nikolai quickly breaks contact with you, even placing his palm right on your eyes. “Hm?” You mumble adorably. 

“I’m thinking about it.” He replies shortly. Taking his hand off, he takes a glance at you. You are smiling now, soft lips curving up special just for him. He is silent for a moment. “You’re bored, dolly?”

You nod.

“Wanna go out to Olga’s?”

Your eyes beam sunshine immediately. Like bunny ears perked up in excitement, you jump slightly. “Out? We go out? Is that okay?”

Nikolai shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. Police are doing police things. Aren’t you supposed to be excited that efforts are being made to save your ass?” He says.

“I like it here. I told you.”

“I know. You’ve been saying that for over a month now.” He mumbles. “I don’t even fathom what is actually happening. After I get you in here, everything goes to—” He swallows his word. No, that is not right. He does not think that way. It is just that his lips are quicker than his brain, sometimes. 

“You… You don’t actually hate me, right…?” You ask carefully. Hands clasped together, Nikolai notices that you are fiddling with your fingers—nervous, insecure, perhaps unsure. “I don’t think I can live with ease knowing that  you hate me.”

He purses his lips. “I don’t have a reason to hate you.” He says softly. His own fingers are now itching to be fiddled too as he can feel the nerves are touring every inch of his system. “I don’t…”

I don’t hate you. 

Nikolai takes a deep breath. “I don’t have a reason to.” He repeats again, despite knowing you surely heard his answer. Nothing to worry about, little bird. He is just trying to convince himself of something unknown. Something hidden. 

“Really?” You say before you chuckle lightly. “I appreciate that… You make me happy. You always do.”

“Mm-hm, I do, huh?” Nikolai replies, returning your smile as well. “Go get ready. I was planning to go to Olga’s diner anyway to get some dinner. We are already out of canned soup this noon.” He says. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? ‘Sir’?”

“Yeah. I don’t like it.”

You tilt your head. “Why?”

He clicks his tongue, pushing you by the shoulder lightly. “Reasons, okay? Go. And don’t wear that blue dress and get your makeup and stuff. I don’t want attention.” He orders. You huff—seeming to have planned to wear your beloved dress. But you know you have to obey anyway, so you dress yourself up in casual attire. 

Snatching one of his jackets, you leave the room, already seeing Nikolai waiting by the door. His outfit is simple. A black fitted turtleneck is perfectly copying the shape of his body. The high-waisted pants he wears only make him look like he is eighty-percent legs. Over his top, he wears a white leather jacket. 

You notice the extra sparkles on the jacket. Silver zippers, silver decorative chains, silver buttons. As he bends to wear his boots, you tug one of the chains curiously. 

“This looks very expensive for a jacket.” You remark. Nikolai stands straight and your hand slides down his back before it drops to your side. He looks at you with a smug smile.

“Stole it.”

“Huh?”

“I can do magic, remember?” He grins proudly before he steps out of the house, followed by you. After he locks the door, he slips his hand into his jacket and—magically—takes out a quite big ushanka hat. Wordlessly, he puts it on your head. 

“Just enough to hide your face.” He says, ignoring the confusion on your face as you see what he just did. Perhaps you are too puzzled by it that you start feeling the insides of the jacket you wore. 

“Don’t bother, dolly. It is only I who can do that.” He brags with a smirk before he grabs your arm and pulls you along. Your feet just follow his steps, despite you having to match his pace a little faster. Sometimes Nikolai likes to make big steps when walking and although you do not mind following him everywhere, you do prefer a relaxed walk. 

The journey to Olga’s diner only takes about ten minutes. As it is already dinnertime and the sun has drowned in the twilight horizon, night owls also come out. It is not rare for you to see the liveliness of the nightlife. Men and women mingle with each other as the television above the bar is broadcasting some sports event. Trailing Nikolai closely from behind, you two step inside, taking the table at the corner. The dark ambience of the diner manages to let your face slip—those who may recognize a missing girl might recognize someone else.

“Oh, hello, darling. Been a while.” Olga approaches your table, tickling your chin with an affectionate smile before she glances at Nikolai. “Hey, Kolya.”

Nikolai grunts. “What’s with that tone…” He murmurs. Olga huffs, placing her hand on her waist before tapping Nikolai’s head with the notepad she is holding. The thick part of the notepad hits Nikolai’s head hard, causing the man to even flinch. 

“You know what you did.”

“W-What I do?” He says, pouty. 

“Tell me why Viktor came here the other day, all sad and depressed because you’re angry at him.” Olga crosses her arms, glaring sternly at Nikolai. You look at each of them, enjoying the unprompted entertainment. 

“I’m not angry at him,” Nikolai mumbles. “He was just being stupid.”

“He was trying to be helpful, as your friend,” Olga replies. “You shouldn’t just shove people away like that. You two have been friends since forever. You don’t even have a lot of friends and colleagues and you are getting angry and grumpy over some drunk conversations.” She nags, shaking her head exasperatedly. 

Nikolai sighs. “Fine. I’m sorry, okay?”

“Don’t apologize to me. Go make up with Vitya himself.” She says. “Now, order.”

“As usual…” He mumbles, still sulky. 

“Uhm, I’ll take the mushroom and chicken pie. Ooh, and iced chocolate.” You grin at her. Olga nods before she stares at you.

“This boy doesn’t do anything weird to you, right?” Olga asks. “Vitya told me about your… situation. No wonder the police have been around the town lately.” She says as she peeks to the window. 

“Hm? Police are still searching in this town?” Nikolai’s head jerks up. Olga shrugs her shoulders. 

“Yesterday, none of them appeared. Probably have moved to other spots. Or they gave up. I mean, the police are corrupt anyway…” She explains. “Regardless, I don’t think this little lady right here wants to leave you, right, Kolya?” She cackles, glancing at you teasingly. You smile sheepishly, feeling heat travelling all over your face. 

“I really like it here…” You say. 

“This is a very strange turn of events for someone like him and someone like you.” Olga nods to herself. “But if you are really going to stick around, my restaurant happened to be in need of one more staff, you see. Not to mention, tonight is pretty busy and I don’t have enough hands!” She grins as she bends a little to be near your eye level. 

“Huh? O-Oh! Oh, are you…” You look at Nikolai who is just staring before you turn to Olga. “Are you offering me a job? Now?”

“No,” Nikolai sighs. “No, Olga… Olga, you crazy woman. I have important things to do with her! She’s not going to help you for this diner.” He protests as he glares at the lady with a sulky face. Olga only chuckles before she playfully messes with Nikolai’s hair. 

“I know, I know. But, if there is another strange turn of events, I don’t mind having an addition for my restaurant.” Olga says before she walks away to go to the kitchen. Your eyes trail her before you turn quickly to Nikolai. As soon as you open your lips, he covers your mouth with his hand. 

“No.”

Your nose scrunches before you grip his wrist and pull his hand away from your lips. “Why? It’s not like I do anything in the house? I don’t even know what I’m cleaning anymore.” You say, hand still gripping his. “Even the bacteria are getting cleaner. They don’t even need to shower but I showered them regardless…”

“You think I’ll allow you to walk around in this premise with chances of other bad people seeing your face? No way. You need to know, my love. This diner is not as innocent as it seems.” He says before he pulls his hand away from you and rests his elbow on the table. He props his chin on his palm. You cross your arms on the table, leaning forward. 

“What do you mean by that?”

“People exchange information here. Illegal information. By ‘people’, I really mean criminals. Olga often gets bribes or ‘hush money’ to keep her mouth shut. How do you think this diner is still maintained even with few customers?” Nikolai explains before he shuts his lips as a waiter comes to the table with your ordered drinks.

He waits for the waiter to leave before he looks at you again. “Look around you, little bird. There are too many people here. So… no, you’re not going to work here. Lowly criminals may get caught but a lot of experienced ones have broad networks, you see. Your face is most likely known for those who tune in to the news. What’s easier than kidnapping an already missing person and using them for other benefits, right?” He tells you. You purse your lips as you sadly stir your iced chocolate. It is just a simple drink with whipped cream and cherry on top. 

“Besides, I don’t want anyone to take you away. You still have a debt to pay, figuratively speaking.” Nikolai says before he steals the cherry from your drink. You whine, trying to stop his naughty hand but he already eats the whole fruit and puts back the small stem on your drink. 

You wince. “Nikolai! Why are you being mean?” You quickly pick out the stem, dropping it on the table. Nikolai only cackles playfully as he chews the cherry. His smile is smug, scoffing at your sulky face. 

“Relax, dolly. I’m the one paying so technically what’s yours is mine.” Nikolai grins as he picks up his hot tea, sipping it. He frowns slightly at the bitterness. His hand reaches out to the small bowl of sugar packets at the edge of the table but you quickly grab the bowl, pulling it away from him. 

“Hey, give that back.”

“Nope!”

You laugh, almost so proud at your little revenge. You put the bowl at the spot right next to you. Pointing at his hot tea, you say, “Why don’t you drink it, hm? Hmm?” You giggle. 

“Oh, I’m about to, sweetheart. Hold on.”

“What the—”

At that moment, Nikolai slips his hand inside his jacket and he takes out the exact same bowl of sugar packets from it. Deliberately and calmly, he tears open a few packets of sugar for his tea, as you watch, stunned. 

“What did I say to you, sweetheart? Tricks don’t work with me.” He snorts before he pushes the bowl of sugar packets towards you. “Now you can put it away as far as you want. I’ll just enjoy my sweet tea right here.” He chuckles before he sips the drink. 

“Hmph.”

You rest your chin on your palm, gazing at him. Irises trail all over his figure—scanning from his hair, white as snow, to his hands, big and rough. Your other hand creeps over to his hand, tracing your fingertips on his skin. As if it has a mind on its own, you glide your finger over the little pattern of tattoos that peeked out from his sleeve. 

“What, are you interested in getting a tattoo?” Nikolai suddenly asks. You halt, right when your finger is over his wrist. You look up at him before you shrug. 

“Seems scary.”

“The needles?”

You nod. “It pokes pokes pokes your skin, no? It bleeds you. But, I think it won’t hurt so much if it’s like… on certain parts of the body.”

Nikolai smirks. “Definitely. I guess if you are used to getting hurt on certain parts of your body, it doesn’t hurt much when tattooing the skin. For me, my arms only feel ticklish.” He says before he tilts his face, slyly grinning. “Maybe you should try one. On your face. It doesn’t hurt.”

“I guess it won’t hurt because my dad always hit me on it.”

“Fucking hell.”

— ♡

Mismatched eyes reflect the light from the screen of the television. People are in high spirits as the team they are cheering for is attempting another goal. Football is not something Nikolai tunes in. But there are times when his spirit also flows together with the people around him. People cheer and he will cheer too—even if he does not know who wins or loses. 

However, that is perhaps only applicable to the twenty-four-year-old him.

“Do you play sports?” 

He turns his head towards you. But your eyes are also fixated on the television, like everybody else. He wonders if you will even hear his answer because your question does sound like it is just a thought passing through like a breeze from the night air. “I supposed I don’t.” He says, his tone is just as careless as yours.

“Really? Then, how are you so strong?”

“Many reasons…” Nikolai mumbles, twirling his glass of vodka. His hot tea was already finished an hour ago. He finished eating way before you. “My tendency to get into fights in prison is probably one of the reasons too.”

“You fought in prison?” You finally pry your eyes away from the television, fixing your attention on him.

“I got bullied for the first few days…” Nikolai mumbles before he lets out a broken cackle. “But any man would tremble at the sight of a gun in front of their face. Unless they have the fangs of a tiger, then that is a different story. Well… a tiger can still be fought against with a falling telephone pole, so that’s that.” He says.

You tilt your head, confused. “You fought a tiger?”

“Not a literal tiger,” Nikolai snickers. “I think pure strength is not enough even for the strongest being in mankind. Creativity and versatility are important too. Strategies, plans, schemes… What’s scarier and stronger than a man who manipulates humanity to do his bidding while he sits back and enjoys the show from the crook of his library?” His eyes trail back to the television. “Even a sport requires strategies and manipulation, not pure stamina. Do you think the managers and those behind the players are not pulling the strings too?”

That’s why I must kill him.

“I mean, sport does have a long history of having bribe issues.” You murmur.

“That’s what I don’t understand either,” Nikolai nods to himself. “What’s fun with watching something that is most likely predetermined?”

“Not all sports are predetermined.”

“And not all are fair.”

You look away, staring at the table. Nikolai is also silent. He returns to watch the sport. Two players have fallen, and now one of them is going to protest at the yellow card. Next, arms open, provocation erupts to the stoic referee. The camera will pan to the spectators in the stadium. Some with hands on their head, some shout words and words that will only drown along with the cheers from the opposing team. Expectable, this show is too expectable—Nikolai sighs.

“Hey…”

Olga approaches your table again. This time, she looks visibly tired and worried. “I’m sorry for bringing this up again, but we really need a hand for tonight. One of my staff needs to go home because he has exams tomorrow. There are only three people in the kitchen, one at the bar and me.”

Nikolai frowns. Seriously? He does understand the circumstances but he could not find it in his heart to allow you to go and assist Olga for the restaurant, mainly because he does not want you to go roam around as a waitress, flaunting your pulchritude to the customers as you suggest them the most expensive food and drinks to order.

But your pleading eyes at him are certainly gleaming with hope right now.

Pinching his temple, Nikolai nods hesitantly. “Keep her in the kitchen only.”

Olga gasps and nods quickly. “Thanks a lot, Kolya.” She pecks his cheek appreciatively. “Her work is gonna be washing the dishes. You don’t mind that at all, right?” She asks you.

“No, I don’t! I’m a professional dishwasher.” You reply with a cheeky grin. As you stand up to follow Olga to the kitchen, you give Nikolai’s hand a squeeze and mouth ‘Thanks,’ to him. He just nudges his chin, shooing you. You giggle before you happily jog your way to the kitchen.

“Dummy.” Nikolai snickers, shaking his head as he checks his phone. It is past 10:30 PM and the diner will not close until twelve, he thinks. Or perhaps it will close when the sport has concluded. Because of the busy and crowded nights, your dinner time took two hours because you two also just lounging around in the diner watching the sport as well as he keeps ordering more vodka. He learns something new too—you eat later than usual when you are watching something, compared to when you only have him to stare and look at.

Bzzz!

As if the sender knows that  Nikolai is holding his phone right now, he receives a message—from someone he expects will not talk to him for another five business days.

Viktor: Hey, man. You busy?

Me: no. why

Viktor: Our marriage argument can wait. But I want you to come to Nastya’s studio now.

Me: now?

Viktor: Bitch, fucking read.

Me: can i go to the mart first? i need to get groceries

Viktor: Fine. But just come, alright? You must come. Tonight. Now.

Viktor: But go get your grocery first, fucker.

Nikolai gets up from his seat and gathers his belongings. He walks to the kitchen and wordlessly barges inside without caring for the strange look given by the bartender who is busy making drinks. He slips between the chefs and gets to you who is already washing cups and beer mugs.

He gently calls your name, poking your shoulder. You turn your head. “Oh! Hey, Kolya. Are you going to join me in this adventure of washing dishes?”

“Keep your talent in words, dolly. I need to leave for a moment. Viktor wants me to go to see him. But I might be late because I’ll stop by the mart to buy some groceries. You want anything?” He asks. You hum, thinking, as your hand is brushing the cup with a soapy sponge.

“Coco pops cereal, please.” You grin. Nikolai snickers as his hand cannot help staying still. He reaches to your cheek, playfully pinching it and shaking your face as he grits his teeth.

“Alright, you cheeky gold-digging girl.”

You whine and he lets go with a chuckle. “If the diner is closed, wait inside. I’m sure Olga won’t go home until I fetch you. And don’t run away— Gah, you know what, nevermind. You won’t leave me alone anyway.” He rambles as he turns around and leaves. You watch him disappear out of the kitchen and finally turn your focus to the dishes.

The lingering touch on your cheek still burns. You smile to yourself.

Your work increases tenfold when the clock strikes midnight. The sport that was broadcasted has concluded and the customers are leaving. You and two other staff are left along with Olga to clean the restaurant for closing. It seems that there are never-ending dirty dishes to wash.

“You okay?” Olga asks after you have not seen her for a while. “Come, you can stop washing the dishes. We have no need to rush to close the restaurant.” She says as she gestures to you to come to her. You leave the sink and wince at the sight of your strained arms. Your fingers are extremely wrinkled after being in the water for so long.

Once you are by Olga’s side, she takes out a clean napkin from her apron pocket and starts to gently wipe your wet arms. “You know, compared to Vasya and Alyosha, you don’t even complain about the amount of dishes you have to clean.” She says.

“I’m kinda used to it…” You smile before peeking out from the small window that allows the chefs and the staff outside to interact. You do not know which is which but one guy is sweeping the floor while the other is wiping the table. They do not even talk to you when you enter the kitchen other than changing a quick greeting upon seeing an addition to the team.

Olga smiles. “That one, who’s sweeping the floor is Vasily. His friend—or boyfriend, considering that they always spend time in Vasya’s bedroom like boyfriends would—is Aleksy.” She says as she continues to dry your fingertips and massage your arms gently.

“How do you know that?” You ask.

“Vasya rented a room in my house. He’s a university student near here. Worked here too for extra allowances and rent discount.”

Your eyes sparkle at the new information. Interested, you ask, “Oh, you are also a tenant?”

Olga chuckles and shakes her head. “No, not at all. I just have a vacant bedroom in my house. It belonged to my son.” She replies, Strangely, her tone lowers and her eyes droop darker at the last bits of her words. You notice the tone, certainly and you do not think talking about it is right at the moment. Vacant bedroom, belonged, son. There are only a few conclusions that can be drawn as long as the answer is not definitive.

“They are not trying to be cold towards you, you know? Both of them are introverts, compared to your… man. The younger version of him, that is.” Olga smiles before she reaches to your cheek, nudging your skin with her knuckle. “You’re flustered.”

“Uhm… He’s not my man.”

“Not yet.”

“Olga…!” You pout before she laughs. 

“I’m just joking,” She smiles, patting your head. “I love the guy, you know? He was a cheerful one and to be honest? Don’t tell this to Vitya, but Kolya is definitely more fun to tolerate.” She says. “But I love them both equally. Though, my life was much safer before I knew them.”

“Oh?” You look at her. “I am aware that your restaurant also does… not-so-good things… But did both of them cause you to involve yourself in such matters?” You ask carefully. Olga huffs and nods.

“They used to smuggle stuff. And my storage room was proven to be the best place to hide stuff, according to Kolya anyway. I don’t even get his logic. But, I guess words travel faster than light itself because one by one, suspicious people start to come here and pay me to keep quiet about their bad behaviour.” She explains. “I accept the money, of course. I cannot afford to let this diner be sold or discontinued.” 

You take a look around and you can see the traces of the past on the flakes, the rusts and the dirt. Old. Historic.

“This is my family’s restaurant. I’ve been working here since I was eleven. I cannot just simply leave this place. It holds nostalgia.” Olga says. Her eyes are vacant, staring ahead and yet towards nowhere. “If this restaurant is gone, I’m gone. And if I’m gone, nobody could take care of Vasya. That boy is not from this country and he travelled this far just to pursue his studies.”

She whispers, “My boy would do the same too, if he had the chance…”

“You’ve worked here for a long while…” You remark before looking down at your hands, fingertips grazing against each other, feeling the wrinkles from your yet-to-be-paid hard work. “I started working around your age too.” You tell her. “When I was… twelve? Thirteen? My first job was in a very small store in the neighbourhood. I was not really good at being a cashier, so my boss lady assigned me to arrange stock.”

“Oh? Was the job worth it?” Olga asks back, still smiling warmly at you.

“I wouldn’t say that but it was fun. I got to do things and meet many people from the neighbourhood and I… got to live my life out of my house…” You mumble. “I learnt a lot of things too.”

“I heard about what happened with your father. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.” Olga says, taking your hand and holding it tightly. “No kids should ever live a life like that. You deserve so much more, darling. You really do. Never stop being kind, alright? Kindness is so needed in this kind of place.”

“Thank you, Olga…” You smile at her.

Olga grins before she taps your shoulder. “Kolya does not seem to be coming back any sooner but I’ll wait until you’re safe and home with him. Vasya and Alyosha do not mind waiting too. I know they don’t have any schedule tomorrow.” She says before she bends a little to look at the two boys. You also take a peek. They are laughing at each other, seeming to have delight in the small world they created.

“They’re going to come back to the kitchen for other chores. Can you go and mop the floor?” Olga asks. You nod and ask for the mop and the bucket, which Olga shows you before she calls for the boys to come into the kitchen to help her. 

As you bring the mop and the bucket of soapy water to the dining area, you pass by both Vasily and Aleksy. They give you a smile and a nod before getting into the kitchen. Once again, you are left alone. You dip the mop in the water and start mopping. The channel on the television has changed to a midnight news channel, presumably by the bartender who left as soon as the cleaning started. You do not understand why the bartender and one of the kitchen staff left early but you want to try to assume the best—they probably have important work tomorrow.

Accompanied by the sound of the compiled news from the previous day coming from the television, you keep mopping under the table and the chairs. You keep stealing occasional glances at the outside world, trying to see if Nikolai is coming to get you or not. The snow is falling lightly, coating the earth with a layer of solitude.

You have been mopping for five minutes now and you finally stand straight, stretching yourself. You take a seat at one of the tables to rest. Your knees feel a little strained, probably because you have been standing for a while. Your eyes roam around the diner before they stop at the television screen. 

And then the world stops.

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“Fuck.”

Hand on his face, Nikolai’s eyes are fixated on the news shown on Viktor’s laptop. His heart is beating fast as he digests every word uttered by the newsreader. Dead body, motel, a gun, Russian-Belarusian border, your last name, his blurred identity card, his blurred face, the zoomed-in footage on his hand showing his wedding ring—

“Suicide,” Viktor finally speaks and Nikolai deliberately turns to him. Viktor looks grim and agitated. His right leg cannot stop shaking as he stares at his lap. “He shot himself.”

“Are we entirely sure this is not pseudo-suicide? The loan sharks did not orchestrate this?” Nikolai asks before he swallows nervously. He does not realize how heavy his tongue feels when he tries to talk more about this. 

“No. No, I don’t think the loan sharks were aware of his… suicide. When this was first reported, the middleman even called me to confirm it. Which means… They did not participate in his suicide either. They want money, not a dead body.” Viktor explains before he sighs. “Fuck, fuck, everything is going to shit. It's all complicated now. Bloody hell…”

Nikolai purses his lips before he leans back. He is at a loss for words. Your father is dead. He shot himself. He was already at the border and he could leave anytime. He wonders why your father killed himself when the chance for freedom is right in front of him. 

An issue with the passport? Official document? Money? Was he blacklisted? Was he denied by the authorities? 

Hell, does any reason even matter now? Your father is dead and there is no way he is coming back to live to tell the tale of his suicide unless he can magically metamorphose himself into another body. He left you alone in this city and he left you alone in this world, forsaking you with his abundance of debt and problems. 

“Kolya… I’ve… I’ve been thinking for a while about this.” Viktor suddenly speaks. He buries his face into his palms, groaning foully into them. “How do I say this… You know, you’re not the only one who’s drunk that night. That night, after I fetched Nastya from your place, I felt jealous because she basically just got out of your place and it’s like—how dare you have my girl in your place but I know it was because of our agreement to have her look after your girl too.”

Nikolai frowns at his ramble. His eyes travel around the table and finally catch the sight of half-emptied vodka on it. Viktor—or Nastasya, considering they are in her office—has been drinking, perhaps. He is probably tipsy. 

“Anyway, anyway. When I saw Nastya, I noticed she had three nails polished with a light blue colour. Yeah, that’s your girl’s nail polish, maybe. Most likely. Defi-fucking-nitely. I told her to get rid of the colour because I know Nastya doesn’t like pastels. But she didn’t want to because that girl was too sweet to her. Nastya also said she would like to make hot chocolate just as how the girl taught her for me. And and and— fuck, Kolya… I know you’re smart and all, so can you tell me why I feel like this?” Viktor finally lifts his head, turning to Nikolai with his lips curled as if he is trying to pout—or was it even an attempt? 

Nikolai sighs. “Vik, we are talking about… her dad right now. Can we not talk about Nastasya or her?” He says. “Right now, her dad just killed himself and I’m pretty sure the loan sharks were on their way to pursue that man before the suicide too.”

“No, that’s exactly what I wanna say, Kolyushka!” Viktor exclaims. “I wasn’t thinking straight when I immediately reported her daddy’s coordinates to the middleman. As soon as you told me his whereabouts, my mind went zoom— Ah, I should tell them loan whales.”

“The fuck are you talking about—”

“I feel guilty, Kolya.”

Nikolai halts. 

Viktor inhales a sharp breath. “I feel guilty because I felt like I took away Nastya’s new friend. Zoya met her once and already wanted to fuck the girl. I think she’s cute too but not as cute as Nastya. And I took your happiness— Ahh! Why do I feel like this? I feel so… so fucking bad. She is just like any other victim we kidnapped and traded and sometimes killed. The only difference is that we did not spend over a month with them!”

Nikolai stares at his tipsy friend for a moment before he turns away. His eyes are fixed on the news again. This time, it is showing some interviews with witnesses from Mckinlay Motel. 

“We detected a very strange smell from the room.”

“We tried to knock but no one’s answering. Even the calls from the reception are not answered.”

“Yeah, no one around here has seen him. But he occasionally visited the convenience store. No, he did not buy a lot of things. Only a lot of cigarettes.”

“Viktor… What do you think of the loan sharks’ next move since their debtor is dead now?” Nikolai asks, voice slow and sullen, thundering deeply from his throat. Viktor sniffles before he sits straight. 

“He had a lot of debt with them. Ain’t no way they will simply let the money burn, especially with how much they have spent on trying to catch that bastard.” Viktor says. “They can probably sell his assets to make a profit but can it be enough to cover all the debt? All the expenses? Nobody even wants to rent that ugly house.”

“Certainly not,” Nikolai grumbles. “The debt may default but I don’t doubt the loan sharks will—for the lack of a better word—get revenge for all the expenditures he caused them.”

“Yeah. And one of his assets is his daughter. The girl. You know the mind of horrible criminals, Kolyushka. Money lenders or not, by law or not, this group is ultimately a crime syndicate. They’re going to get her for sure.” Viktor adds, sighing loudly as he throws his head back.

“Are you two going to let the loan sharks take her?”

Both Viktor and Nikolai look up to the door, seeing Nastasya leaning against the frame. Her eyes darken as she steps further into the room. 

“Hm?” She addresses the men again. “Let her be taken? Let her take responsibility for something she did not do? What do you think will happen to a young girl with no one left and nothing left?”

Nikolai’s eyes scan her, finding her knuckles turning white as she grips the edge of the table. 

“That’s why I feel guilty… At first, I wouldn’t be much, knowing she was going to be just a hostage or a bait. But now… It’s like something shifts.” Viktor mumbles. His brown irises trail up to his lover before the latter also share the same look—a sentiment that is unspoken but understood. 

“No…”

Nikolai finally gets up. He takes a quick look at his watch. 12:27 AM. The diner must be closed by now. You are probably waiting for him. 

“No, what?” Nastasya asks. 

“You guys want to keep her, then keep her. I’m going to Peters. I have more important things to do than babysit a child.” Nikolai says, firmly. His tone is hard and rough as he fixes his jacket. Viktor bolts up from his seat, grabbing his friend’s arm. 

“Are you serious? You’re gonna give her if the loan sharks ask for her? She’s gonna get trafficked!” 

“Let me go.”

“Answer me, fucking coward.”

Nikolai yanks his arm away from Viktor’s grip. “I’m not gonna dwell in guilt like you, Pavlovsky.”

With that, Nikolai walks out of the studio, making haste of his steps towards his car. He enters it and starts the engine. The radio is not even on, he does not bother to do it as he drives to Olga’s diner—fast. The car runs through the falling snow that illuminates the night sky and the street lights. The world has gone quiet and will only go quieter as the hours pass. 

But his mind is never quiet. Each thought produces a monster, standing by to devour his head. Words from the news are buzzing in his ears like flies, and Nikolai worries that all of those monstrous thoughts and buzzing words are leading to one person. 

Oh, you… 

Nikolai is not sure whether you saw the news or not. He hopes you did not. The television in Olga’s place was dominated by a sports channel, no? It was on with sports and shall be off with sports. If you are aware of what happened to your father, he will be quiet. If you are not, he will be quiet too. He will keep his mouth shut about it, silence just like the winter night. 

Any mention of this will rigorously affect his plan to leave this town. 

Although, deep down, Nikolai knows, his plan to leave is already plagued with doubts and worries. 

He arrives at the diner in less than the expected time. Usually, it takes about fifteen minutes from VIY Studio to Olga’s place but due to the lack of people and cars on the street, especially at the hour, he manages to arrive in just ten. 

The diner is already dark. The light on the signboard is off, as well as the inviting ‘OPEN’ neon at the window. From the outside, the dining area is totally sombre. There is only the white light from the kitchen area, which is visible through the small window connecting the bar and the kitchen. 

Nikolai steps to the door—unlocked. He pushes it open and it rings. Two boys who are slumped at a table woke up from their sleep upon hearing the ring. Nikolai recognises them, but he doubts that they recognise him. 

“Where’s Olga?” He asks one of them. One of the boys, shy and timid, points at the door leading to the kitchen. Nikolai nods, mumbling half-hearted thanks as he steps towards the kitchen. He enters it, finding Olga is cleaning the stove. 

“Olga,” Nikolai calls and she turns. Her eyes widen and a tint of panic waves over her face. 

“Kolya, oh my God, you’re here.” She says as she rushes to him. Nikolai frowns, ignoring the old lady as he scans the whole kitchen area, trying to find you. The panic in her voice raises concern over his heart—once again, reacting to bad thoughts flooding his mind by hastening its beating. 

“She’s been in the toilet for a moment now. Told me she got a stomach ache and she needed time. Can you go and check her?”

His sixth sense tells him that there is no stomach ache. 

Reluctant yet feeling compelled to go, Nikolai nods. He makes his way to the toilet area. Two wooden doors—one for female and one for male. He approaches the one with the female symbol, knocking it a few times. 

He calls your name. 

No answer. 

Sniffles, yes. He does hear sniffles. 

He calls for you again, this time a little firmer. Knocks again. 

“S-Sorry, I need time…” Your muffled voice responds back. “Kolya…? C-Can you wait outside? I-I’ll see y-you outside…”

Nikolai stays still in front of the door, staring at the fake carving on the wood. He hangs his head low as his eyes stare blankly at his knuckles. “… I am outside. Not going anywhere.” He says. 

“… I’m not going anywhere.” He says again. 

Silence. Just as he wishes. Yes, you know about your father, that is crystal clear and obvious. And he prays that this silence will be forever—your father’s death shall never be mentioned, never be thought about. 

The fiddling noise of the lock breaks Nikolai’s focus on his hand. The door is pulled from the inside, open. 

“N-Nikolai…” Your glassy eyes gape at him, surprised. Your lips tremble as they try to crook for a smile. One attempt, two attempts and you finally manage to force one—unnatural and uncanny. “You’re b-back from Viktor.”

The air is tightening, choking his words from leaving his mouth. Hesitation—he can feel the heaviness in his heart to even reply to you. But for the sake of clearing the awkwardness, he nods. “Y-Yeah, I did. Come on.”

He turns around and walks off. He does not even know whether you are following him or not, for his gaze is only on his car in front of the premise. He leaves the diner first and once his boots step on the pavement, he realizes he is alone. He does not hear yours behind him. 

Nikolai takes a deep breath and faces up. He huffs slowly and the cold air trails out of his orifices. Heaviness is still lingering in his heart, despite he is alone out in the world. When he hears slow footsteps approaching him, the heaviness grows more, taking over his insides. With such a burden, he turns his head around, only to see you walking towards him with a gloomy gaze on the ground. 

One of your arms is hugging the ushanka you have taken off earlier. Without any word, Nikolai offers his hand and you—sensibly—put the ushanka on his hand. He then opens his jacket, slipping the big hat into the unknown. 

The baby blue girl who would often cheer at the tiniest sight of his ability is only carrying a deeper shade of blue right now. 

You are just standing there, so lost in thoughts that the glimmers in your eyes are lost too. The smile you once forced back at the toilet is not even trying to attempt anymore. Delight has flipped itself over, overcasting you with misery. 

“Hey.”

“Nikolai…” You finally speak. Your fingers clutch at your sides, fiddling with the fabric of your clothes. Then, accompanied by a quivering breath and hoarse voice, you ask;

“Can I have a hug?” 

Nikolai is silent. Oh, he really does wish to be silent. But wishes rarely ever come true. 

“Uhm…” He knows it—you want to be touched, to be held. You wish for solace and comfort. But Nikolai does not want it. If his wish to be silent cannot come true, yours cannot either. 

His eyes are everywhere but you. However, his body does turn towards you. His hand does reach out to you and with the most awkward voice he can muster, he offers, “How about we just shake hands?”

You stare at his hand. You nod. “Okay.”

You grab a hold of his hand before you slowly pull him and push yourself to the centre—closer. Nikolai’s body too moves on its own, subjecting itself to your whims. Your arms around his body as you bury yourself deeper into his warmth. 

And he embraces. 

His arms around yours, warmer and tighter. Your face against his chest and his face against your head, lips touch your skin briefly. One of his hands trails up, cupping the back of your neck as he caresses gently. And you let go. The cries and the sobs—you pour out to him and as he wishes, he stays silent and accepts it. 

“My dad’s dead, Kolya…”

Sniffles.

“I don’t know what to do…”

Hiccups. 

“I don’t have anyone left…”

You hug him tighter, and you press your cries harder against his chest. 

“Please don’t leave me too…”

©cherikolya 2024 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

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TRASH SUGAR MAGIC

➛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 11: ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴜʀ ʙᴀʙʏ

➛ nikolai gogol x fem!reader

➛ fluff, slow burn, mild smut, dubcon, explicit content, slice of wink wink | words: 10.1k

➛ ao3 | spotify (note: dinner @ brasserie zédel is recommended) | main menu

“I feel cold…”

Nikolai sighs as soon as you say that once he gets back inside the car after filling up the gas. “I told you not to just wear a cardigan.” He replies before he starts the engine again. You pout, hugging your body as your fingertips caress the soft fabric of your white cardigan. 

“Yeah… But it looks sunny and I thought it wouldn’t be as cold.” You say. Nikolai only glances at you, giving you a frown. 

“In what world do you think the weather will stay warmer for a degree during a snowy winter?” He only watches you increase the temperature of the heater as he starts driving again, leaving the petrol station. You are clearly restless because it does not get any much warmer, considering that his car is barely decent in condition. In an attempt to preserve your heat, you try to pull the sleeves of your cardigan to at least cover your hands. 

“Hold on, darling. We’re almost there. Jeez, can’t even handle a bit of cold, huh?” Nikolai says, his tone is slightly mocking. You only pout and shake your head. 

“Maybe your car is too old to get the heater functioning.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Now Nikolai is the one who pouts. You once again reach out to fiddle with the buttons in the car but you retract when Nikolai slaps your hand away, lightly. “Stop.” He says and you huff, leaning back with your arms crossed. 

It takes about several minutes until both of you arrive at Olga’s diner. The parking lot is empty and the sign is still showing that it is ‘CLOSED’. It is not even noon yet, so you figure that you two are here for important business rather than a lunch date—not that it is still impossible. 

“Come on.” Nikolai leaves the car and you follow after. You wheeze as soon as the harsh cold breeze hits your face. Hugging yourself tightly to keep warm, you jog your way to Nikolai, bumping into his body. His hands immediately reach to hold your shoulders. “Goodness…” He sighs. 

“I’m so cold!” You whine as you push yourself closer to his body and his arms instinctively wrap around you. 

“Well, it’s not my fault that you didn’t take my advice earlier!” He grumbles before he deliberately takes off his winter jacket and hovers it over your body. “Arms.” He commands and you obediently put your arms into the sleeves. It is heavy and big on you—disproportionate but warm. 

“What about you?” You ask, eyeing the beige sweater he is wearing. It does not look like it can provide better heat for this weather but Nikolai does not even seem to be affected by it—or at least he pretends so as his nose twitches a couple times. 

“I’m fine,” He says. “Let’s go.” He walks off first and you follow after. Before Nikolai could stuff his hands into his jeans’ pockets, you quickly grab one of them, wrapping your fingers around it. Nikolai only glances, but he does not pull away—instead, he holds your hand back, just as tight as how you are holding his. 

It feels warmer. 

When you two step in, Olga is already waiting at the bar, with Vasily by her side. She waves at you and you beam happily, waving back at her. You give a greeting nod at Vasily but the boy only smiles at you awkwardly as a response. He disappears into the kitchen without a word. 

“How are you, my dear?” Olga suddenly asks. “Are you well? Have you eaten?”

“I’m good. I have eaten but I don’t mind some more snacks.” You grin cheekily. Olga chuckles before nudging her chin towards the kitchen. 

“Help yourself, then.”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Kolya and I are having a private talk, as he told me in the text. But you can go into the kitchen and get some snacks from the staff pantry. Just give us a moment for two, is that okay?” Olga says. Your head turns to Nikolai who is already looking at you. He does not say anything other than pouting his lips towards the kitchen, shooing you away. 

“Mm… okay.” Slightly defeated that you are being left out, you reluctantly let go of his hand. You get to the kitchen and peek at the bar through the small window, watching both Olga and Nikolai talking in a slow, whispering voice. Nikolai then goes to sit at a table before Olga approaches him with two drinks for both of them. 

You pull your gaze away, knowing that whatever they are talking about, it does not involve you or it is not even a matter that you have to be concerned with. You can try to ask Nikolai later but for now, you will enjoy your time alone. 

Or perhaps not. 

Because when your eyes meet Vasily who is silently preparing ingredients, you are perked with curiosity and interest. You have never spoken with him, only exchanging friendly nods and smiles. But you have the strongest desire to do what you are best at—bothering people. So, you approach him and Vasily seems to be noticing you as well because he is fidgeting on his spot but makes no move to avoid you. 

“Vasily… is it?” You say, adorably smiling at him. He looks at you and nods. You offer a hand, introducing yourself to him. He hastily wipes his hands on the napkin hanging in his apron’s pocket and shakes your hand.

“I heard that you’re a student at a university nearby.” You strike up a conversation. Vasily still looks apprehensive but he swallows his timidity, trying to respond to you with the same enthusiasm, or at least a chunk of it—as he feels quite uncomfortable with your sudden chatter, like a songbird. 

“Yes, I am…” He replies. “And you don’t… really look much older than me. Are you a student yourself, maybe?” He attempts a question and as if your bunny ears are perked up in the excitement of getting someone asking about you, you quickly answer him. 

“I finished high school several years ago. Couldn’t afford university, so I work.” You say. 

“At a bar, right?” His words leave his mouth like a bullet as if his thought does not even register the sensitivity of his question. You are surprised at the sudden fact about yourself being thrown at you like that but you have to remember—your face and name are already broadcasted in the news as a missing person. 

“Y-Yes, I work— well, worked, at a bar. I was an escort.” You say, your voice tender as you notice Vasily’s guilt is creeping in. His conscience is probably hitting a little too hard and you do not want him to get uncomfortable around you—although your friendliness might already give you the wrong headstart. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He mumbles. “Olga’s always dealing with shady people and I just saw your face in the news and… and… I-I’m sorry, I think I should shut up.” He bites his lower lip, holding himself back from saying more insensitive nonsense. 

“I don’t mind.” You say. Vasily’s eyes are frantic as they try to divert elsewhere but you. 

“Uhm…” He glances at you. “So… you’re really a missing person?”

You nod. “It appears so.”

“Are you in trouble? Right now?” Vasily asks. His tone is low and careful. Your eyes widen a little in surprise but before you can reply to him, he nudges his chin towards the window. You look at it and you can only see Nikolai from this angle. “The man you’re with. Isn’t he with you? Do you need help?” He hardens the tone in his whisper, emphasising the seriousness of his attempt to help. His eyes occasionally glare at Nikolai, as if the man could hear your conversation. 

“N-No, not at all. He’s with me, yes, but I… don’t need help…” You reply quickly. Vasily flashes you a suspicious look as if he does not buy into your excuse—well, to his defence, for a girl who looks his age hanging around with a man in his 30s is not really a pleasant sight, especially when you are definitely a missing person. A kidnapped person. A victim of a crime.

“Are you sure?” Vasily asks again, holding your wrist. “I can really help you. Nobody in this town dares to mess with Olga because she has protection from a lot of shady and dangerous people, as this diner is the perfect nest to make deals.” He says. “If that man coaxes you to say no—”

You pull your wrist off his grip. “No, Vasily. He doesn’t… I mean, yes, he kidnapped me but… But I do not want to leave him. I want to stay. With him.” You say, firmly. Vasily stares at your face for a moment before palming his face, muttering something in a dialect you do not understand. He then nods to himself. 

“Sorry. I misunderstood. It’s— uh, one of those kink things, right?”

“What?”

“Roleplay.”

“Oh… No, no. Not at all.”

You can only watch the confusion in Vasily’s face brew deeper. 

— ♡

“Well, isn’t this a confusing situation…” Olga murmurs behind her palm after she listens to the whole story that Nikolai just told her—from his drunk and desperate aspiration to your father’s death. He feels slightly nervous at the stern glare Olga gives to him as she ponders over the question he just struck her. 

“Could you take care of her?”

“Well, Olga?” Nikolai asks again. “What do you say?”

“I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘taking care of her’,” Olga replies. “If work is what she wants, then yes, I can grant it. But there is more to this, isn’t there, Kolya? Be clear with me. Be honest.” She taps the table in front of Nikolai, urging. Nikolai purses his lips and grumbles. 

“I want you to shelter her. Give her a place to sleep and stay. Let her work as your staff or something. Anything. Your house surely can fit one more girl, right?” He says. Olga hums and nods before she silently sips her warm black coffee. 

“Why don’t you?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you do that for her? I know you adore her, Kolya. Ever since you first brought her here.” Olga smiles, almost like a tease but Nikolai feels extremely humiliated by that remark. Was he that obvious? Were his feelings too upfront than he thought? Were his emotions engraved too deeply into his soul? 

“Well, Kolya?”

Nikolai clenches his fists, sucking the air through his teeth. “I can’t. I just can’t. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I thought about that every day. I think about her every fucking day. I just can’t let her stay with me. It’s dangerous. It’s more dangerous in Peters and I don’t want any loose ends. No loose ends… especially not in front of Fedya…” His words are like bullets, blurting out of his mouth without a pause—though the last bits are nothing but whispers of comfort for himself. 

“But you must understand that it is no less dangerous if she stays with me,” Olga replies solemnly before she finishes her black coffee. 

“It will be fine.” Nikolai leans forward, his tone hardens. “I don’t care what you plan to do with her. If you don’t want her to work here for the sake of your safety, that’s fine too. I just want you to give her a place to stay.” Sensing that Olga is already frowning again, Nikolai quickly adds, “It’s not like I will disappear tomorrow right there and then. I am still here for the next few weeks, so you can still think about it. And— And I’ll help her move in with you. Seriously, it will be one simple task. I really— I just— I—”

He finds himself stumbling upon his words, and he groans slowly. His gaze lowers to the table. He shuts himself up before he goes to say the wrong thing again.

Olga only stares at Nikolai, God only knows what she is thinking and although he tries his hardest to not return the gaze by watching you roaming around the diner with the staff boy, he does feel restless. Jittery even, for numerous other reasons. 

“Alright, Kolya.” Nikolai turns his head towards Olga when he feels her rough hand—that is carved with half a decade of life—touch his. He feels her tenderness and pity on him. Though the comfort is nothing better compared to when you are the one holding him, Olga’s smile tells him what he wants—which is more important at this time. 

He nods. He nods again. “Thank you… I owe you one.”

His eyes divert again towards you, who are now playing with a jukebox. The boy is talking to you, with a friendly smile on his face. He seems to be around your age. The smile he gives you is returned full—with the same kind from you. Upon seeing the sunshine you gift to the boy, warmth creeps up into Nikolai’s heart. 

Not the nice kind of warmth. 

It is something else. Warm, warm—nothing cosy but scorching. That warmth soon broils to an uncomfortable heat that makes him frown deeper at the sight of you giggling at whatever that boy just said. 

What’s funny? 

“That… is Vasily.” Olga suddenly says and Nikolai once again turns his head fast towards her. He tries to relax the frown on his forehead but he certainly could feel the grimacing pout formed on his face. 

“Can’t he pick another name?” He grumbles before he takes his cup of coffee. Ignoring the heat, he swallows the hot coffee, further fuelling his own warmth. 

Olga chuckles. “What about his name? It’s just any other usual name a lot of people in this country have.” She says. “Ah, you cheeky guy. Don’t worry. He is just being nice. And I think it's her that makes friends with him. She’s pretty good at that, you know?”

Nikolai hums half-heartedly. “I know. Whatever, I don’t care anyway. Just don’t have that kid get too close to where he doesn’t belong.” He says. Olga grins, tilting her head as her eyes pan towards you and Vasily and then Nikolai. 

“Oh, why? I think they look great with each other. As friends, of course. Besides, Vasily is a university student. He is around her age, so she is definitely going to enjoy being with him. As friends, of course.” Olga teases again, amused by Nikolai’s little quirks he does when he is visibly annoyed—scrunching nose, twitching eye, rolling eyes, sulking pout. 

“Well, you don’t have to worry about him. He has his eyes on someone else already.” Olga clasps Nikolai’s hand, offering him some reassurances. But Nikolai’s focus is still on you, who is watching Vasily closely as the boy manoeuvres the old jukebox. 

He then abruptly stands up from the chair and his hand trails away from Olga’s. Nikolai makes his way to you and stands between you and Vasily—who yelps slightly upon being shoved by Nikolai’s taller body. 

You gaze up at him. 

“Are you done, Kolya?” You ask sweetly, giving him the same type of small smile you gave Vasily. Nikolai does not know what possesses his mind when his hands reach up to your face, and both of his index fingers lift the corner of your lips. 

“Hm?” You giggle, holding his wrists. The smile grows brighter—turning to one that Nikolai is familiar with, something he wants to steal and keep inside his coat forever. 

“Why, is there something wrong?” You ask. 

No, nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong. 

“Nothing,” Nikolai says. 

“Are you done talking with Olga? Do you wanna go for a lunch date? I’m pretty hungry.” Your lips twinkle, bringing a tint of smirk to Nikolai’s face as well. He drops his hands to his side, eyeing your figure. You are still dressed in his jacket—not that he wants to ask it back. Rather, he thinks you look cute in it. 

And the thought of you smothered with his scent is sending tingles somewhere down there. The thought is eroded away as quick as it flashes in—Nikolai does not want to lose control of himself, not even a little. He has lost himself a lot already. 

“No… No lunch date— No dates…” He mumbles. “I have to leave the town for a while. There is an errand I have to do and you’ll stay here with Olga and… him. I’ll come fetch you when I’m done.” He says, his voice is veiling regret. 

“Oh…” You nod, understanding. “Okay, it’s fine. I don’t mind waiting here. Besides, I made a friend already!” You hold his arm and turn him towards Vasily who is standing awkwardly by the jukebox. Vasily is trying his best to not look at Nikolai in the eyes—as if the older man is emitting a strange ambience that, unfortunately, you do not comprehend. 

For Vasily, he is a menace. 

For you, he is a solace. 

Perhaps the strange ambience has driven Vasily to a point of dread as his words are staggering to form coherence. “M-My name i-is Vasily, sir. I-I work h-here…”

Nikolai ignores the boy before he turns his attention to you, not even sparing a smile. But his gaze softens when he lays his eyes on your innocent face—either you completely miss the awkwardness you created or are totally enamoured by your kidnapper, who knows. 

“I must go now. And take this,” He gives you a few crumpled cash notes. “Get yourself something for lunch. I’ll see you later.” He says before he deliberately leaves the diner in haste—he must have gotten an important job from Viktor. 

“Ah, he forgot his jacket.” You grip the jacket you are wearing as you can only watch Nikolai’s car leaving the area from the window. You feel slightly guilty that you did not remind Nikolai to take the jacket. 

“Jesus, that man is so terrifying…” You hear Vasily whisper. You turn to him with a playful pout, as if you are offended that he thinks of Nikolai in that way. 

“He’s not bad. Well, he was rough the first time I met him but he is very, very nice!” You say and Vasily’s eyes widen as his face contorts into genuine bewilderment and concern. 

“Are you… genuinely okay?”

— ♡

“Damn it.” Nikolai grips the steering wheel hard as his foot presses the gas pedal. His car moves faster as they travel the highway. The clock is already past twelve o’clock and the night is getting darker. He did not mean to stay out of town for long—but there were mishaps. 

He went to a certain bank to finish a couple more documents now that he has a new identity. It took about three hours for him to be done since the bank was filled with people. Then he had to leave the town to finish a job tasked by Viktor for extra cash. When he was finally done, he had to deal with horrible traffic. A supposed one-hour journey multiplied and he was already out of curses to spout when Olga texted him that the diner was closing. 

Twelve twenty-five—Nikolai finally arrives at the familiar suburban place he barely considers home. He makes a turn to reach the street where Olga’s diner is located and as he approaches his destination, he realises that the entire premise is totally dark. 

His heart drops.

Olga would not just leave you in the dark like that, right? 

He parks his car abruptly by the side of the road. He rushes to the diner, looking through the window. He sees no sign of people. The entire restaurant lacks lights and life. He rattles the door to the restaurant, only to find it locked.

“Shit.” Nikolai bites his lip as he frantically looks around, calling for your name. There is no way you have disappeared. Olga is a nice lady. You would not betray her motherly kindness, would you? 

Hearing no response, Nikolai’s frustration grows. His feet cannot stop pacing around the premise and his eyes are straining as they refuse to blink, in fear that he might lose sight of you—his little bird. He does not want to think the worst—because you have promised him. You promised to stay. 

Or perhaps you’ve fallen into the same trap again. 

Nikolai shakes his head, raking his hair at the unwanted thought intruding into his mind. But as more seconds pass, he fears that his heart is agreeing with his head, blaming and mocking him for falling and accepting his feelings, repeating the same mistake he had made years ago—Now look where it got you. It got you the same way with him. 

He stomps through the snowy pavement, thinking that he could get in from the back door. He could not use his ability—for his jacket now belongs to you and only a sweater is covering him from the intensifying cold wind. 

He calls for your name again, this time louder—angrier.

“Kolya?”

Nikolai turns quickly to the back door of the restaurant upon hearing the melodic rhyme of his name. His eyes fixate on the sight of you peeking through the gap between the door. His lips part open, and he is about to gore your heart with malicious words—but the fire begins to ebb when you walk out from the building and waddle to him with his jacket still hugging you. 

“You’re late. The diner is closed already and Olga and Vasily went home first.” You say. “How long have you been out here? I thought of waiting for you at the front but Vasily said it was dangerous and told me to stay inside. He gave me the spare key to the back door.” Nikolai blinks profusely before he throws his head back and sighs loudly. 

“You okay?” Your hands reach up to touch his face, caressing his skin. Nikolai tilts his head towards you, breathing heavily as your thumb rubs his cheek, so tenderly, so softly. He nods. 

“Yeah, sorry. I was… uh, distracted.”

“Long day?”

He nods again, subtly leaning his lips against your palm. They pucker, planting just the slightest tint of a kiss on your skin. Nikolai then feels your hands leave his face, replaced by each of your index fingers arcing the corner of his lips upwards. 

He chuckles—the panic he felt has dissipated and relief courses in. “What’s this?” He asks. 

“I like it when you smile. You look handsome.” You say with an adorable smile—the kind of smile that only a dewy girl would have.

“I look handsome, little dove?”

“Okay, I will rectify. Ahem. You are handsome.”

Nikolai snickers, pride beneath his beam. “Well, isn’t that the most correct thing you have ever said…” He then gently takes your wrists, pulling your hands away from his face. “Come on. I’m cold and it’s already past midnight.”

Nikolai pulls you by your wrist and walks off. However, as his focus is on his car, he feels your hand shake itself off his grip. Before he could even take a look behind, he feels your hand holding his properly, and he gladly wraps his fingers around yours as well. 

You two get into the car and as soon as he starts the engine, he hears something grumbling lowly beside him. He jerks his head towards you, noticing that you are looking at him like a pathetic wet cat as your hand is on your stomach. 

“Seriously? Did Olga starve you?”

“There were a lot of customers during dinner time and we were rushing. I kinda forgot to eat dinner…” You say shyly before suddenly you gasp happily. “Vasily told me something about a supper date. Like, like… eating at a 24-hour convenience store. How about we go to supper?”

Nikolai hums. “Good idea. But unfortunately, I’m pretty tired. We have food at home.”

“Aww, please?” You shake his arm. “You are not going to let my tummy grumble all night, right? Please~?” You clasp your hands together, pleading to him. Nikolai stares at your face—relishing in the way your eyes reflect the orange street lights outside. 

“Okay, okay. Whatever you want.” Nikolai shoves your face away lightly, receiving a giggle. He starts driving with a destination in mind. Before you come into his life, he often finds himself at a bar to have supper, but he very rarely ever visits a convenience store. He does not even think there is ever a 24-hour store. The latest those stores stay open is only up to three in the morning. 

He finds a store. It is empty but it is still open. There are a few empty tables outside, presumably for customers. Both of you leave the car after he parks near the store. You get out of the car first, looking around with excitement glistening in your gaze. Nikolai follows after and locks his car. He huffs as soon as he is out of the car, shivering at the chilly breeze brushing his neck. 

“Kolya,” He turns to you, seeing that you are giving him his jacket back. You tiptoe and he bends his knees a little, allowing you to drape the jacket over his shoulders. He smiles. 

“Are you sure?”

You nod eagerly. “I know you’re cold as well. And it’s your jacket, so…” Your words trail off as he wears his jacket properly, adjusting the clothes on his body. Nikolai snickers before he himself puts on the jacket properly. 

“Don’t come crying when you’re freezing later.” He teases before he takes your wrist, tugging you close beside him. Both of you make your way to the convenience store, entering the empty premise. The cashier looks sleepy and barely awake—he does not even spare a glance at either of you. 

As soon as you are inside, you wiggle your hand out of Nikolai’s grip and make your way deeper inside, looking through the snacks on the shelves. Nikolai only glances in your direction before he grabs two cans of beer and a packet of sushki. He goes to you, seeing you are carrying a basket and still choosing things to buy. 

“Hey,” He calls you before tossing his stuff into your basket. You look at him as he gives you his wallet. “I’ll wait outside.”

The speed of your hand snatching his wallet like a thief makes him raise his eyebrow in amusement. The naughty grin forming on your face as you hold his worn-out leather wallet brings a jeer on him. “Okay, beggar. Make it quick.”

He leaves you to sit outside at a table. He takes out his phone and replies to Olga’s spamming text—he still has to explain to you about your future in living with Olga. Most of his preparations for St. Petersburg are almost done. Two weeks left—two weeks and he will be gone from this town, catching the train to go on a twelve-hour journey. 

But still, he has to keep working on Eyes of God—the duplicated one, that is. Fyodor’s location is ever-changing as if the man is waiting for him and knows who is coming for his life. One thing that is consistent with all the coordinates he has noted from his work is that Fyodor is in St. Petersburg. Nowhere else. 

His routine is unpredictable though. One day, the surveillance camera caught him walking into a church. The next day, he was seen in a library and left after thirteen hours of staying in that building. Sometimes, the surveillance cameras do not even catch sight of him—which could be because Fyodor is also actively trying to avoid authorities.

Does he even want to get into Meursault again? This time, Nikolai will not go and jailbreak him. Nikolai is also pretty sure that the authorities on Meursault have amplified and strengthened the security in that secret prison. How could they not? He literally broke into Meursault by killing a lot of guards, released two dangerous ability users with his ability too easily and toyed with the whole system in the building like a dollhouse. A single person who does not even possess a world-destroying ability can bring so much chaos—it would be a dumb move for authorities to not amp up their game. 

Nikolai sighs. He feels exhausted. Part of him wants to stop this pursuit. Yet, he is still unsatisfied. His heart craves for a closure that does not end with a conclusion to his raison d’etre. The closure he wants is the spilling of blood—a grandiose ending for an unbound performer to his puppeteer. 

He puts his phone down and finally lifts his head to assess the place he is in. He sees that you are by a counter—not the paying kind, but rather, a counter where people get hot water and have access to the microwave. You are heating up your food, it seems. He watches you for thirty more seconds before looking away. 

However, his eyes then catch the sight of a weird car parked not far from the building. The car is parked directly under the street light. From afar, people may not see a single lone masked man sitting inside it. The plate number is even stranger, specifically, its region code. 

Seven-seven-seven. That is the code for Moscow. 

Whyever does a car from Moscow travel so far here? 

Nikolai stares at the car, hard. His hand slips into his jacket, digging into the void before his fingers wrap around a solid metal. He raises his body a little and perhaps the person in the car realises the situation he is in—the lights from the car brighten up and Nikolai watches the vehicle leave the place, fast. Hasty. 

“Kolya?” 

Nikolai turns his head, seeing you carrying a cup of instant noodles and a plastic bag full of snacks. You blink at him confusedly before you look around. “What’s wrong?” You ask. 

“Nothing. Just thought there was a thief.” Nikolai replies before he sits back down and releases his grip on his gun, letting the weapon fall back into the unknown. You walk towards him and pull your noodles and the snacks on the table before pulling a chair close to right beside him. 

Nikolai says nothing of your effort to be close to him. He does not even move an inch to give himself some space, letting you intrude however far you please. As you are stirring your noodles, he takes the beers and sushki from the bag, receiving a curious look from you. 

“Are you not eating?” You ask. “I grabbed a beef sandwich for you here.” You show him the rest of the snacks you have bought with his money. Nikolai only shakes his head. 

“Not hungry.” He says. 

You grin mischievously. “Well, the sandwich is mine then—” 

Before you can touch the sandwich, Nikolai quickly slaps your hand before snatches the sandwich away. “I am not hungry, for now. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. All of these are mine. It’s my money.” He grumbles. 

“It’s not like I have any money of my own!” You huff.

“That’s why you will work with Olga. Or something.” Nikolai says before he opens a can of beer and sips the strong alcohol. He does not really want to get drunk so much, so he decides to not drink the whole thing in one go. 

“What do you mean?” You ask as you eat your noodles. “What were you talking about with Olga earlier?”

“A week or two from now, Olga will take care of you. She agreed to let you stay at her house.” He says while he thoughtlessly nibbles on a piece of sushki. His eyes are staring deeply at the table. “I told you before, you cannot and will not come with me to Peters.”

You are silent for a moment. Your small voice creaks out timidly. “Does that mean… I only have a few weeks with you?” His heart tugs downward when he feels your desperate grip on his arm. Nikolai refuses to turn his head towards you, so he looks away, staring at the nothingness in the sky instead. 

“Will you come back?”

“I don’t know, love.”

“Why?”

“I just… don’t know.” He murmurs. His thought is only to find his old friend and return a favour—to claim and experience freedom. He can only plan so far—and he knows planning against one such as The Conjurer himself can only get him to a certain point of success. 

Frustrated, he takes a few chugs of his beer. “I feel like I’m going to die in a way.”

Your eyes widen, gawking at him. Fear casts over you as you shake your head slightly. “I don’t want you to get hurt…”

“Too late to say that, isn’t it?” He sighs before he takes out a cigarette, lighting it up. He turns his head, blowing the smoke away from you. “I mean… if it wasn’t because of Fyodor, I would be dead right now.” He pauses, taking another smoke. “I was supposed to die during one of our schemes. Getting chopped in half with a saw—scary thing, isn’t it?”

You cringe—just imagining the thought of shooting someone already makes you feel extremely uneasy. You wonder how brutal his past could be. You knew he was a terrorist—which is weird because any terrorist would be deep in the dungeon for the rest of their life. Yet, this particular one is sitting right beside you, enjoying his beer and cigarette—he looks beautiful, although his eyebags may suggest otherwise. 

In your (perhaps, wrong) gaze, he is beautiful. 

“Was that a plan… created by Fedya guy?” You ask carefully with disgust on your face. Nikolai nods silently. At that moment, a brief memory passes by in your brain when you remember the news you saw on the bus all those years ago. 

“Was he inspired by that one terrorism event in Japan?” You say. As if you catch his interest, Nikolai looks at you. “Do you know? The one where a lot of government officials got killed? I heard that they were… sawed in half.” You frown as your gaze lowers to your food. 

“Oh…”

“Mm-hm. I don’t know the details but it sounds like what Fedya guy intended to do with you is similar to what happened to those people. Poor them… It must have been so painful for the families to mourn. Because, you know, they’re like… half…” You murmur as you continue eating the noodles that are no longer hot—the weather helps cool it down, maybe too cool. 

“Right…” 

You turn your head at him, with cheeks puffed out as you just stuff a big chunk of noodles in your mouth. “You— don’t— mm, look like you’re— hold on— bothered by it.”

Nikolai snorts before he pokes your cheek. “I, have, seen, worse.” He says. “And to say that I am not bothered by it… No… I guess I wasn’t. But that sentiment turned into something else that actually bothered me.” His finger stops poking your cheek before his thumb gently caresses your skin, trailing down to your lips before his hand pulls away. 

He leans back. His heart becomes heavier the more he talks about his little agenda—the thing that drives his passion to achieve something in life. In an attempt to submerge his thoughts that might go havoc later on, he stuffs more pieces of sushki into his mouth. 

“Are you thinking of something?” You suddenly ask. “Your agitation… is kinda obvious, if one has spent so much time staring at you enough.” You smile teasingly. 

Nikolai scoffs, crossing his arm. “And here I thought I am enigmatic enough.”

“You are! In a way. I mean, Nastasya told me before, like before you got to prison and all, that you were very… how to say this in a nicer way… Hm…” You tap your chin in wonder. “She said you were… chaotic and obnoxiously scary.” 

“Ouchie, that hurts.” Nikolai places his hand on his chest, acting surprised and shocked, though his tone suggests otherwise. 

“But I think you have become softer now,” You lean closer to him, tilting your head adorably. 

“Mm-hm, and what makes you think that I will not pose myself differently to you?” 

You sit straight as if you are baffled by his sarcasm. “You have been drunk in front of me. And I have heard a lot of drunken words from others. A lot of times, they rarely lie.”

Nikolai swears his heart drops to the floor and runs away, nowhere to be found. Shit, he forgot about him being drunk and sleeping on the same bed, head resting on your breasts so comfortably. He still does not recall what he has said to you that night and the fact that you bring that up now makes him nervous about whatever confession he has laid down to you. 

It must be something embarrassing. What else could it be? I laid on her chest and slept for the whole night in her arms like a baby! Not that it’s a bad thing— No, no, no, shut up. She’s weird. No, she’s actually very nice. Too nice. Should I ask about what I have said? She would not lie to me, right? She never lies to me. She would rather lie to herself, so long she satisfies her love. 

To me. 

No. 

“Y-You gotta get rid of that observation s-skill of yours, perhaps.” He says before he drinks the rest of his beer. Then, your hand grips his wrist, gently pulling his beer away from his lips. “W-What?” His voice sounds slurred. 

“Don’t drink too fast. You’re gonna get more drunk. You’re already tipsy.”

Ahh, that explains it. 

No wonder he feels agitated for no reason. Nikolai obediently nods and puts down the beer on the table. He is indeed tipsy and he needs to stay focused because he is going to drive later. He does not want to get too intoxicated.

But his hand refuses to let go of the can. “There’s half left…” He poutily mumbles. “It’d be a waste if I stop drinking it.”

“Let me finish it then,” You say. “I know how to drink without getting drunk so fast, you know?” You wink playfully and he reluctantly lets you take the beer from his hand. 

“Oh, yeah? What’s your secret, baby?” Nikolai rests his chin on his hand. You bite your lower lip but it does not help a joyful squeal leaves your mouth upon hearing his soft yet sultry voice. 

Your heartbeat is faster—you can feel the drumming of it travelling through your veins as you shakily grab your apple juice cup and open the lid. “W-Well, we usually drink watered-down alcohol… or just mix it up with other drinks. Sometimes we served them… but the customers never know.” You grin. 

Nikolai watches in horror as you pour the rest of his beer into your apple juice. “You’re gonna burn your liver quicker than me if this is your way of drinking.” He says. Shaking his head in slight amusement and more perplexity, he just watches you drink your combination of beer and apple juice. 

He is pretty sure you are going to get drunk much sooner. 

“You know, girls like you should leave as soon as possible if their captor cannot think properly.” He blurts out another one of his jumbled thoughts before he snacks on the sushki. You giggle as a response—somehow your pitch is higher, as if you are slowly entering euphoria. 

“You’re not the first drunk man I have to deal with.” You smile. Holding his arm, you say affectionately, “And you’re much much much nicer than anyone else.”

Nikolai hums, pleased. “Mm-hm? What’s the worst thing that has ever happened to you?” He asks.

“Uh… hit me?”

“I’m not talking about your daddy. I mean, the customers.”

“Oh!” You suck the air through your teeth, thinking. “Well, there’s this one time where this man got so wasted that even when I tried to stop him, he kept drinking. He started shouting because he wanted to lay his head on my lap—”

“And you allowed him?” Nikolai cuts you off. 

You nod, fast. “Yeah. I had to. He laid his head on my lap and then… um… He kinda asked me for his pacifier—” Nikolai bursts out laughing. “D-Don’t laugh! I mean, he’s old, so he’s probably feeling nostalgic. But anyway, I had no choice because he was starting to cause a scene, so… I let him suckle on my—”

“Wait. Don’t tell me…” Nikolai cuts off again and you shush him. 

“Can I speak, please?” You pout. “I let him suckle on my fingers. It was weird. Very very weird!”

“Oh, thank God,” Nikolai whispers as he watches you staring at your hand in disgust—maybe those were the fingers that had to feel the slimy tongue of an old drunken man. “That’s pretty tame, in my opinion.” He comments before he continues eating his sushki. 

“That’s like… the second worst thing.” You reply as you resume drinking your poisonous—as Nikolai thought it—alcoholic juice. 

“What’s the worst of the worst?”

Your gaze is blank as you scour through your memories, lips still clamping on the straw as you continue sipping little by little. Nikolai’s gaze is blank too—though they are not due to reminiscing, rather they are hypnotised by how alluring your lips look right now. Pouty and wet—or glossy, hell, he does not even know. You are quiet and still for a moment, allowing Nikolai to stare and scan your body as he pleases. 

His mismatched irises land on your lap. A familiar heat he felt this evening when you were roaming around Olga’s diner with that boy comes barging in again. His fingers clench as he bites his inner cheek, remembering that an old disgusting man had the chance to lay on them. 

He despises the thought. He despises the image his mind is forming based on what you have described even more. 

Should have been me…

His hand grabs the beer can, intending to swallow his jealousy with another rush of ecstasy, but upon lifting the empty can, he angrily puts it on the table. 

“I think—!” You suddenly speak, a little louder. Nikolai smirks to himself—you are definitely not in the most sober state now. He notices that you have sipped almost half of your drink. You must have drank it while thinking about things. 

“I think the worst that ever happened was when… Well, you know, the other escorts do not encourage me to sleep with customers. Because, uh, selling fantasy, things like that.” You lean back, resting your head on his shoulder. “Then, there’s this one night, one of the regulars there—we called him Mr. Ben—and he kinda pulled me to the private section. You know, the one where the table is all covered with curtains. And then I was like— I kinda— I told him I don’t want to sleep with him. He called me pretty and cute and— Wait,” You drink some more. “Mr. Ben said he just wanted me to watch him. And I was like ‘Watch what?’ and then he took off his pants and started doing… Uh, you know… the thing that men do. This…” You jerk your fist up and down as a demonstration. “That kind of thing…”

“Holy fuck, stop.” Nikolai grabs your wrist, stopping your very helpful demonstration. His shoulders shake before he inhales deeply. But his effort still does not help the bits of laughter escaping. 

“Yeah. That was the worst.” You emphasise your point by poking his nose with the same hand that was jerking the air just a few seconds ago. “I did not look at it!” You yell, defensively. “I just stared at the floor.”

“You know, for someone who has seen horrors done by men, you should have been more distrusting towards people in general,” Nikolai remarks, keeping his grip on your hand. His thumb rubs your pulse. The sheer size between his hand and yours is a pleasant sight. His fingers link between yours, tipsy mind drifts off to an imaginary world where he is holding your hand during something else entirely. 

Something lewd. 

“Would you be like Mr. Ben?” You retort his remark. 

“Uhm… no…?”

You yank your hand from his grip and wrap your arms around him, clinging. “Then I have no reason to distrust you. You’re perfect.” You murmur, burying your face on his shoulder. Your body is extremely tilted against him—your bum is barely placed on the chair. 

“I know, little dove.”

You start to wail. “You’re so perfect, you know that? You’re so nice to me and you’re so kind… You’re so smart and I think you trying to be free is so admiring. I kinda feel jealous sometimes because I cannot do that…” You sigh loudly. “And I just really want you to be happy. Sometimes you’re so scary and so rough but it is like… It feels so good… Does that make sense?”

Nikolai feels the warmth makes itself cosy in his heart at your babbling. It is cute, he thinks, especially with the glassy eyes you are flashing him—you are tearing up just by thinking of him. He does not know whether this affection comes from intoxication or genuine love, but he enjoys it. He likes it. 

He feels happy with it. 

And as much as he wants to pull away from that desire—to stay focused on his freedom, you are much more alluring. 

Fine, just this night. I will allow myself. 

His hand reaches up to you and Nikolai then gently caresses your head. His gesture causes you to look up at him, staring with a flushed face and yearning gaze. He chuckles softly before he carefully pulls your arms away from his body. His hands then cup your face, cooing at your teary yet darling look. 

“Oh, you little crybaby…”

“I’m not crying!”

“Yeah, I don’t know about that, love.” His thumbs press harder on your lower eyelids, wiping the brimming tears. “Doesn’t seem like ‘I’m not crying!’ to me.” He mimics your voice, receiving a pouty face from you. Your lips slant upwards. 

Tempting fucking lips. 

“I’m— I— I just—”

“I, I, I. Come on, baby. Speak.” He teases again. 

You sniffle. “I… It’s just… I cried because I love you so much…”

Nikolai smiles. 

“Don’t you love me too?”

Nikolai sighs. “Mm… Time to go home.” He says to himself before he grabs the plastic bag containing the rest of the snacks and slips it into his jacket. It disappears into the overcoat. You usually would be excited at the sight of him using his ability, but your mind is more focused on something else. 

“Please? Can you answer me? Do you love me too?”

Nikolai does not answer as he gets up and brushes off the crumbs from all the sushki he feasted on earlier. He takes your hand but you refuse to get up the chair until you get your answer to adorn your own fairytale. 

“Let’s go, love. It’s getting so late now.”

“No, no! Answer me first, please? Or else you’re just like Mr. Ben to me in my eyes!”

Nikolai shakes his head. “Well, Mr. Ben or not, we are going home now.” He tugs your hand, trying to convince you to get up. You whine, stomping your foot childishly. 

“No! I don’t wanna get up!”

“Fine.” 

He leans forward, flinging one of your arms behind him before he hoists you up, getting you nice and stable on his shoulder. You whine again, shaking your legs as you watch both of you go further and further away from the convenience store. His hand is placed firmly on the back of your thighs, preventing you from even rebelling much.

Reaching the car, carefully, Nikolai puts you in the vehicle—or rather shoves you in—and buckles your seatbelt. You cross your arms, huffing as he goes to the driver’s seat. When he is finally seated and buckled as well, he takes a good look at you. 

Sulky. 

“You don’t love me…” You mumble, angrily. 

“I did not even say that.”

“Hmph!”

Nikolai scratches his head and then shrugs his shoulders. You will not be angry for long anyway. Tomorrow you will forget. But maybe not tonight. He can very much answer you—he knows and has the answer in his heart. 

It is just that he still wants to deny it. 

Human compassion leads him to agony. He learnt it the hard way. 

— ♡

Nikolai is still tipsy. 

Perhaps the beer he consumed earlier was too strong. No wonder you went crazy—in a good way. At least you were not unhinged like drunk Nastasya. Just thinking about dealing with her makes Nikolai shudder. He washes his face a couple more times, trying to get rid of the floating feeling in his head. 

He brought you home, successfully. You were not angry for long, as he expected. He was carrying you by the stairs and you were quick to tell him a story where your father pushed you down the stairs because you were slow at packing things up—happened during one of his attempts to escape loan sharks. Then you went to say you love him because he carried you upstairs. 

Weird. 

But it did amuse him to the max. 

You went to take a shower first and by the time Nikolai wanted to grab his towel from the bedroom, he saw you already lying on the bed, sleeping, in one of his shirts and his shorts. The sight is… pleasant. You must have been so tired from a long day of working.

Nikolai finally decides to leave the bathroom. He takes his towel and wraps it around his waist before walking to the bedroom. He sees that your eyes are closed, still asleep. Great, he can just get dressed in his own room. 

He takes his time choosing a shirt with his sweatpants hanging on his shoulder. Occasionally he glances at you. You keep shifting in your sleep—sometimes you lay on your back, your stomach or your side. Is the bed getting uncomfortable for you? Or is it the blanket? Either way, it does not even matter because what attracts his eyes is the fact that he can see the swell of your breasts peeking out from the collar of his shirt. 

Right… You tend to not wear bras when sleeping. It is a common fact. Nothing so surprising because Nikolai is aware of this trait of yours since the second night you sleep in his clothes. 

So, why is his dick hardening right now? 

It’s just boobs, god damn it. You’ve seen them many times. 

Nikolai swears it is getting so much more difficult to stay in the same room with you any longer. His tipsy mind is not helping him with the random arousal he gets from your little quirks—from your stories about letting a man suck your fingers to the sight of his shirt riding up your soft and touch-inviting tummy. 

Once we’re in Peters, we’ll get a hookup! —His head suggests. But Nikolai finds the thought to be repulsing. He does not want to hook up with anyone else. His lust and desire are not sketching a silhouette of his future partner for a tryst or anything. 

They are illustrating you, manifesting you. 

It has been a while since he last had sex, and really, he could have done so at any time he wanted. But ever since a little dove settles herself on his bed like it is hers, to begin with, he finds it hard to even plan or think about his next date in a local nightclub. 

He does not want anyone else. His heart refuses to even immerse himself in a lust shared by somebody else somewhere. Nikolai wants it here, shared with you. But he knows if he indulges himself in a series of pantomimes more intimate than a hug, there will be no turning back. He is already a possessive man, to begin with.

But what’s wrong with it? What’s wrong with it? Was there even a path to turn back? There’s no turning back ever since that day. So what’s wrong with indulging a little bit more? And maybe more? 

“Kolya?” 

Nikolai flinches as he grips his towel, apprehensive. He looks down at his body—thank God, he is dressed. He was lost in his thoughts but gladly his body could still dress itself on auto-pilot. Nikolai hastily hangs his towel on a hook by the closet. 

“I thought you were asleep… Were you watching me getting dressed?” Nikolai says. You blink confusedly at him and shake your head. 

“Can’t really stay sleep… I didn’t look at you… I was… staring at the floor… Because you’re like Mr. Ben…” Your words are staggering as if you are still barely sober. Nikolai scoffs. 

“I don’t even take off my pants and jack off in front of you and you’re comparing me with Mr-fucking-Ben.” Nikolai jabbers quickly without even thinking twice. Only after he notices your eyes widen, he freezes and starts to actually contemplate his life. 

“Sorry. Uh, that was not appropriate…” He mumbles awkwardly. “G-Go back to sleep. Don’t bother me.” He says again before walking to the door. 

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

He freezes again. His mind is running wild. Wilder. He feels like he is going crazy with the scenarios that his mind is playing with right now. He is trying to think straight, he swears, but everything about you is too damned alluring. 

Your sweet voice, your tempting body, your flushed face, your sweet kindness, your pure innocence—god damn you, I hate you so much. 

Nikolai thinks he made the mistake of turning his head towards you, for his eyes are now feasting on the way you look—laying so vulnerably on his bed, your stomach is peeking from the shirt and your chest is begging for him to rest his head on them. The shorts cover your thighs, but even your calves look ravishing. He wants to dig his nails deep into that flesh—he truly does. 

His dick is hard, Nikolai has to admit it already. 

“I-I don’t think t-that’s a good… idea…” He says. It feels like he is facing a darn succubus—except this one is as dainty as a fairy. 

“Mm… I don’t think sleeping on the couch is a good idea too…” You murmur, adjusting your position once more. Your hands reach the hem of the shirt and pull it down, covering your stomach. Nikolai protests internally—he wants to see, maybe if there is a chance (there is plenty of it but he pretends blind), he wants to touch it. 

“I just…” You pause, yawning. “I just want you to be comfy when resting…” You mumble before you scoot to one side, making space for him already. You pull the blanket close to your body again, looking at him with droopy eyes. “If you wanna sleep here, just get on the bed, okay? I don’t mind…”

Nikolai thinks he is possessed. Or maybe he is just following his own heart. 

His hand pushes the door to close and he steps closer to the bed. His eyes meet yours and you give him a delightful smile. Nikolai swallows nervously before he sits at the edge of the bed, scared to even lay on the mattress. 

Fuck, what am I? A virgin? —He berates himself internally. 

He takes a deep breath and finally sinks his body onto the bed, but he is as still as a statue—as a mummy even. He tries to shut his eyes, wishing his lascivious mind and his perverted thoughts to die away like a dimmed candle. 

“You’re so handsome, Nikolai…”

Alright, it’s hard again. It is definitely hard.

Nikolai tenses, shutting his eyes harder as if he can even relax his own arousal when he hears your dulcet voice and subtle touch on his arm. The way your finger is tracing his skin feels familiar—your fingertip is following the lines of his tattoos. 

“C-Can you just sleep?”

“Sorry… You’re just… so… handsome. And your hair is very pretty…” You murmur. Nikolai is hesitant to open his eyes, fearing that he will not fall asleep peacefully later but he really wants to take a look at you. 

So he does. 

He turns his head to the side, looking at you. Your gaze is piercing—needy. He blushes when he sees your legs are tightly together and his very-not-so-innocent mind is wandering to one and only one possibility. And that possibility brings him a tint of comfort because now he knows—and he thinks he is right—that he is not the only one feeling so bothered. 

“Kolya…” You mumble, one hand reaches his face. With a weak yet sultry voice, you ask, 

“Do you love me too?”

Suddenly, he seizes your wrist, grip tightens before he lifts his body and leans forward—pushing himself onto you, pushing his lips onto yours.

Fuck.

I can't think. 

I can't stop. 

His hand cups your face, moaning against your lips as his tongue probes between your lips. Your hand instinctively grips onto his hair as you whimper between the kiss. Your saliva dribbles slightly from your lips and Nikolai unashamedly licks it before his lips continue to devour yours. 

You feel his hands travel to your body, roaming on your torso. His palm halts under the mount of your breast. You break the kiss, only to whine softly. But your break is not for long as his other hand grabs your hair, pulling you to another deep kiss. He sinks his tongue into your mouth smoothly and you try to match his pace. 

But he is hungrier. 

He has been wanting it for long. 

Nikolai thinks his tipsiness is spiralling deeper into pure intoxication. He groans against your lips, grinding his hips upward when your lips are teasing against his. He grabs and fondles whatever he can reach—your hips, your ass. One of his hands slips under your shirt, and finally, his palm touches your bare stomach, pinching and squeezing your flesh. 

Your moan that was subdued finally manages to leave your mouth when his lips slide to your cheek and jaw, nibbling on your skin. He buries his face into your neck, inhaling your scent, moaning against you. His tongue slithers on your pulse, travels, trails and traces every spot he can taste. With your arms wrapped around him, you moan breathily when you feel his hand brush over your chest—halting for a few seconds on your hardened nipple. 

His mouth on your neck gets rougher and you wince when you feel slight pain when he nibbles on your skin hard, as if he is going to rip it off, as if he is going to devour you, literally. Though, hearing your painful wince sends him a message to be softer—he kisses the spot he just nibbles and those kisses trail up again to catch your lips. 

This time, you match his pace—holding his face as you kiss him back, battling tongues until air is no more. Nikolai is too eager—even after a break, he is relentless, kissing you deeper and sloppier each time he drives his lips against yours. His hand slips into your shorts, his nails raking the skin of your thigh. You grip on his shoulders, whimpering. 

“A-Aah…!” Your thigh jerks away from his rough, demanding touch. Nikolai’s hand pauses and he plants one last kiss on your lips. Your face is an inch close to him. His emerald and lilac irises are staring deeply into yours and shivers run down your spine at his darkened gaze. 

“Sorry… I was being… rough. I wasn’t—”

His words are cut off when you shut your eyes and lean forward slightly. Your lips pucker, planting a chaste kiss on his lips. Timidly, you open your eyes, looking at him sheepishly. He seems surprised but a soft smile later forms on his lips. 

“I love it.” You mumble shyly. Your hands gently nuzzle his face before you lean again. He closes his eyes and you kiss the scar slit through his left eye softly. 

“I love you.”

Nikolai opens his eyes and then looks at you intently. Your hand moves a little up, caressing his hair too. He sighs quietly before he tilts his head down, resting it on your chest, and you gladly embrace him, just like that night. 

“I love you.” You say again and he nods silently, tilting his head up to give a little peck on your collarbone. 

“I love you.” A kiss. 

“I love you.” Another kiss. 

“I love you.” And more kisses. 

©cherikolya 2024 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

clementine

synopsis: this time of the year isn't the easiest for you, but nikolai is here to take care of everything when you lose sight of the sweetness in life...

content: fem!reader, comfort, fluff

Nikolai knows you haven't been sleeping well.

So when he saw you bundled up on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket akin to a caterpillar in its cocoon, he couldn't control himself or help the way his heart rate picked up.

He's already kneeling to your level while you’re still sleeping on the sofa to push back some of the hair falling over your face with one hand, the other swimming through the sea of softness to search and take hold of your hand in his. He didn’t mind you were taking a nap in the afternoon—getting to see your peaceful face and knowing that you’re finally able to get some rest after days of difficulty was enough for him to stay content.

He’s patient, not rushing you to wake up like how he would do sometimes in the mornings. You’re not feeling well, so he keeps all his antics stored and locked away for a time not so dull. He tries his hardest to control the urge to coddle you because he knows you need your space, but his heart aches for you anyway, and it is almost unbearable.

You just look so adorable.

He does have to admit, that he feels a bit bad thinking these kinds of thoughts while you're like this, but he can't help it.

A huff of air leaves you when you feel someone plop down next to you, their weight making you sink into the couch further, their hands trailing down your arms, finding their abode on your waist. You'd regained consciousness a few minutes ago, and heard him while he was walking around the living room, but couldn't bring yourself to open your eyelids yet when they still felt so heavy.

But he seems to catch on anyway when he curls up closer to you, his fluffy hair tickling you and his thumb running across the soft skin of your cheek when he becomes aware that you're awake.

This small couch was barely big enough to fit the both of you. He thinks he'll go furniture shopping with you soon, only if you feel like going out, of course.

He notices how you struggle. The way your energy levels dip, and the way your usual sparkle fades as the days grow shorter and darker.

That's why he'll gently suggest going for a walk in the crisp autumn air at times, hoping that exposure to natural light can help alleviate some worries off your mind and lift your mood. He'll offer to wrap you up in layers of warmth and accompany you on a stroll through the colorful foliage, providing his unwavering company as a source of solace and strength. And he'll wipe your tears away when you cry to him, telling him that you can't bring yourself to. He'll reassure you and tell you that everything is okay, pulling you into his comforting embrace, determined to hold your hand and walk by your side through the darkness while holding onto the belief that you can weather this storm.

Nikolai thinks you're too hard on yourself.

He thinks you don't treat yourself as nicely as he does to you and it makes him deeply upset—breaks his heart, so to speak. But he knows how difficult it can be. So, he feels the least he could do was be here for you when you're at your lowest, just like you always are when he's at his.

“Nikolai,” you call out to him, keeping your eyes still shut, aware of his presence close to you.

"Dove," he responds, his eyes glistening when he hears your voice. "How about we go out today? You need some sunshine," he suggests to you in a gentle voice accompanied by a signature dorky smile spread on his face.

Your eyelashes flutter as you open your eyes to find him leaning over you, one look at his face being enough to dispel some fatigue, always bringing you back down to earth when you’re floating.

"But you're right here," you say, your hands finding themselves in his hair to play with the braid that falls over his shoulder.

Nikolai is and has always been caring towards you, and moments like these serve as a reminder of who you're truly in a relationship with. His tough exterior was something you’ve always been aware of but never been afraid of. Not after he's shown you that beneath that exterior was hiding something soft, buried underneath layers and layers of faux fortitude.

Nikolai himself wasn't able to conceal his bashfulness. No matter how resilient he pretended to be and tried to appear, you always managed to shatter him with the right words laced with such potent fervor that never failed to permeate his mind.

He pulls away from you momentarily and rises to his feet to slowly draw back the curtains, making sure to do so with deliberate care in his actions so the light doesn't hurt your eyes. As he steps back, he nearly loses his footing as he slips on something but manages to steady himself in time before sparing a glance at the ground to see what the culprit is. The playing cards are still scattered across the floor, remnants from the impromptu dramatic performance he put on in the living room yesterday, all in an attempt to see your precious smile that he hasn't gotten the opportunity to catch a glimpse of as of late. A part of him wishes he had tumbled, for the chance he would get to hear your laughter again.

When he returns to you, he helps you sit up and drapes the blanket around you and over your shoulders. Although the sunlight streaming through the window gives you an ethereal glow, he finds the paleness of your skin as a result of insufficient sunlight and nutrients hard to ignore.

Nikolai knows you haven't been taking care of yourself as much as you should be.

He waits for you to notice it—the fresh bowl of fruit he prepared and placed on the table just for you. The clementines he'd bought from his grocery run this morning because they were finally in season and he knew you'd been wanting to have some.

But when you don't move, he picks up a slice of the citrus himself and holds it up to your lips. With tired eyes looking up at him, you part your lips, letting him feed you the fruit. The sweet juice bursts on your tongue, and you press a kiss on the pad of his thumb, relishing in the way it lingers for a moment before he pulls it away. For some odd reason, you feel like it tastes sweeter when he feeds it to you.

As if you weren't already feeling warm from his affection, he sets your cheeks ablaze with a flustered heat when he cradles your face with both of his hands while you chew the fruit. He waits for you to finish before playfully squeezing your cheeks in his hands to make your lips pouty, placing the most gentle of kisses upon them, only then releasing when he feels warmth slowly crawl up from your ears to your face.

Your eyes close to savor his adoration, absent of the knowledge of unimaginable tenderness swimming in the pair of eyes staring at you right now. Your fingers loosely wrap around the wrists connected to hands that are caressing your face so softly, careful touches on your skin followed by lips ghosting over the crown of your head before coming to a stop.

Oh—right. He wasn't supposed to be doing this, not now. He shouldn't be bothering you in this way, not until you feel better, at least.

Taking this into consideration, Nikolai reluctantly lets go of you and moves intending to rest against the pillow next to your lap—where he originally would've placed his head. However, on second thought, he decides not to after a thought pervades his mind of how you might not want his weight on you when you're already carrying so much burden.

It wasn't until he felt fingers trailing up his own, seeking his touch again, that the thought quickly diminished and made him halt his movements. Raising his head to see you looking down at him with that gleam in your eyes that he missed oh so much confirmed it for him, that look that always revealed the want to have him closer to you.

So he fulfills that wish for you, moving over to your lap and shifting to a position with heedfulness where the both of you could feel comfortable, but mainly just for you.

Nikolai never wants to be a nuisance. He just wants to make you feel better, no matter how long that takes.

Because in the end, he always knew that sweetness would follow up the bitterness.

Your presence in his own life was living proof of that.

⋆⁺₊❅⋆ christmas w/ the bsd men .ᐟ

⍋⋆*❅ pairing: various bsd men x gn!reader [dazai, atsushi, ayatsuji, ranpo, fukuzawa, nikolai, fyodor, sigma, bram, chuuya, akutagawa, oda, ango, jouno, tecchou]

⍋⋆*❅ genre: fluffy headcanons (some crack again hehe)

⍋⋆*❅ content warnings: none! also headcanons are focused more on cultural/winter festivity aspects of christmas, not the religious ones (except for mentions in fyodor's part)

⋆˙ ☃︎ — 𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐄𝐃 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐘

⁺⋆*❅ dazai osamu

you both decide to go out and explore the city!

purposely stops under every mistletoe around town to makeout with you (he somehow knows where all of them are...)

you go bar hopping to try different holiday drinks like spiked eggnog, cranberry mimosas, and whiskey sours

after you both get super drunk, he takes you out to the town square and twirls you around so you're both dancing under the fresh snow and moonlight

you make christmas cards for everyone with custom stamps and bake christmas cookies to gift (he sets aside the ugly cards + burnt cookies to give to mori/the port mafia)

⁺⋆*❅ atsushi nakajima

something cute to heal your inner child

he takes you sledding, and you scream the whole time from how fast you both go

atsushi tries to help all the kids at the bottom of the hill who wipe out (awwww)

you don't tell him, but his nose gets super red from the cold and you think it's really cute

you get hot chocolate on the way back and spend the night talking by the fireplace (he got you both matching pjs)

⁺⋆*❅ ayatsuji yukito

christmas = the perfect opportunity to dress you up, either as a slavic doll or mr./mrs. claus

escorted by security and a sniper ofc, you both go to the mall and shop around (mostly so he can buy more clothes and accessories for you)

you both get some eggnog and take photobooth pictures at the mall

before he gives you your presents back at home, he pulls you into his lap and makes you tell him if you've been naughty or nice like he's santa lol

does the pocky thing with you but uses a candy cane o///o

gifts you all the shopping bags full of clothes he bought for you at the mall

⁺⋆*❅ ranpo edogawa

ofc it's all about sweets so you build gingerbread houses

ranpo can't build one so he ends up eating his and all of the candy you bought

you both make more sweets from scratch (ranpo probably quits halfway through bc he burnt the gingerbread cookies), so it's just you lol

you decorate christmas cookies and make candy cane hot cocoa and eggnog

after voicing your concerns about having too many sweets and baked goods, ranpo assures you that they'll be added to his snack collection/vault and there's no need to share them with everyone else

⁺⋆*❅ fukuzawa yukichi

doesn't like to celebrate much--he originally wanted to go to a cat cafe, but it was closed bc of the holiday :(

he planned on having a cozy christmas dinner with you and some other members of the doa instead at the office (definitely not bc he also still has work to finish)

somehow, ranpo convices the both of you to dress up as mr. & mrs. claus and you have a whole photoshoot at the office

you end the night at a secluded onsen with some warm tea 😌

⁺⋆*❅ kunikida doppo

basically the karen/soccer mom of christmas. he has an itenerary planned out and you're sticking to it.

you start by unwrapping presents by the tree⎯he gets you something you've had your eye on for a while, since he knows you wouldn't buy it with your own money (so he bought it for you)

i can't explain it but he def has the perfect ugly sweater that he only pulls out and wears on christmas

you then go to do something cute outside, deliver presents to the other doa members (he gives dazai bandages + coal...)

probably the type to refuse to go into their houses/apartments bc he doesn't want to waste too much time (he lowk caves in tho)

at the end of the day, you both visit a pretty christmas lights show

⋆˙ ☃︎ — 𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐅𝐈𝐀

⁺⋆*❅ chuuya nakahara

chuuya is extra so he goes all out with decorations. he fills the house with poinsettias and a huge christmas tree (he has to use gravity to put all the ornaments on it lol)

you make a special mulled wine together

he takes you out a nice fancy dinner (ofc he bought you a beautiful red suit/dress to go along)

sings for you by the fireplace hehe

the tree is full of gifts when you get home (don't ask him how much he spent, just be appreciative that chuuya's your lover 🤫)

⁺⋆*❅ akutagawa ryunosuke

lowk hates the cold but wants to make u happy so he goes out with you to a christmas market

you both get a matching black scarf and glove set

u go to a curios and antiques store (one of his fav places!) and stop to get some hot tea

akutagawa is constantly blushing bc of ur cuteness, and when u kiss him under a mistletoe, he turns beet red but insists it's just the cold

periodically hugs you "for warmth" and definitely not bc he gets jealous of other people looking at you

when you get back home, you both take a warm bath and cuddle by the fire, and he gifts you a special antique item he secretly bought from the store ♡

⁺⋆*❅ oda sakunosuke

christmas dinner with the kiddos

gets everyone matching ugly sweaters and you both fill the kids' stockings while they make snow angels outside

you go to the mall to take the kids to meet and take pictures with santa

you all bake and decorate gingerbread houses and christmas cookies together

his present for you is a wedding ring, and the kids are beyond excited to have you as their other parent

you all fall asleep watching a christmas movie

⁺⋆*❅ ango sakaguchi

he was forced to take work off bc of the holiday, but he's relieved that he gets to spend more time with you

he takes you to a fancy christmas ball that's being thrown by some government officials

he gets a little tipsy and can't stop complimenting how nice you look in your dress/suit, and how grateful he is to have you as his partner

when you finally dance together, you swear it's the most lively you've seen him look⎯he has that glow in his eyes ^u^

firm believer that he gets super clingy when he hasn't seen you in a while, so during dinner he pulls you into his lap to eat and always has a hand on you

when you both finally go home after a long night out, he gives you a present, which is a nice watch/bracelet

⋆˙ ☃︎ — 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋𝐒

⁺⋆*❅ fyodor dostoevsky

obviously takes you to church first

listens to christmas carols from the church choir (he's lowk an old man so he likes them)

you then go to a ballet show to watch the nutcracker

he makes traditional russian dishes for dinner like meat pies, vegetable fillings, and fish, and drink some sbiten (a warm honey + spice drink), which he prefers over hot cocoa

you end the night reading books by the fireplace as he strokes your hair

gifts you your favorite books and some warm winter clothes/coats

⁺⋆*❅ nikolai gogol

christmas is one of his fav holidays after halloween

after decorating the house and the tree, you both go to a christmas wonderland attraction

other visitors/children keep asking if he's santa bc of his white hair, and you giggle innocently as you take pictures of him

makes Sviat Vechir: A 12-dish meal with kolach, cabbage rolls, and other traditional ukrainian dishes for dinner

gifts u a white sweater he knit himself (awww)

⁺⋆*❅ sigma

it's one of his first christmases, so he lets you plan what to do

you make him some cinnamon rolls + eggnog for breakfast

you both bake and decorate some christmas cookies⎯he's surprisingly good at making intricate patterns and designs, and his cookies are so pretty you almost don't want to eat them

you go skiing⎯sigma definitely struggles at first but he gets the hang of it pretty fast

after you get cold, you both go back inside to get some hot cocos and eat some fondue

you both watch the sunset on the ski lift, which is the most beautiful view against the snow-covered mountains (he secretly can't talk his eyes off you tho)

at home, you unbox presents!

he gifts you plane tickets to a nice getaway vacation ( ๑ ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ♡

⁺⋆*❅ shibusawa tatsuhiko

(honorary doa girlie lol)

not particularly interested in the holidays, but he likes flashy things so i think he'd enjoy seeing light shows/big christmas displays

however, he likes to spoil you, so he gets you an advent calendar with an assortment of nice clothes, fancy jewelry, and more

watches as you unbox each day's gift and relishes in your cute reactions

lets you paint his nails red, white, and/or green as you sit in his lap

decorates the christmas tree with gems instead of ornaments since he has so many laying around

⋆˙ ☃︎ — 𝐇𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐃𝐎𝐆𝐒

⁺⋆*❅ jouno saigiku

another winter cabin getaway bc he hates how crowded and noisy the city gets during this time of year

you go iceskating on the lake together

he can hear the position of you feet and corrects your form so you don't slip and fall on the ice

even if you're good at iceskaing, he keep his arms linked with yours the whole time or holds onto your hand

at one point, he feels like showing off and spins you around and throws you up into the air like a figure skater, and he giggles maniacally while you scream

makes snow angels with you

once you get back to the cabin, you both roast some s'mores over the fireplace and enjoy a warm cup of hot cocoa

you snuggle by the fire and fall asleep in eachother's arms

⁺⋆*❅ tecchou suehiro

he takes you to go hunting + ice fishing

you probably get freaked out by the thought of shooting the animals, so you both end up just doing a nature walk in the woods instead lol

while looking for the perfect tree, you find a clearing and build a buff snowman (tecchou insists he's more muscular tho)

tecchou chops the tree you decide on and hauls it back home himself bc he's that strong lol

he decorates the tree while you cook some of the fish he caught for dinner

you also make some berry tarts and jam cookies with some berries you foraged on the walk (.◜◡◝)

Hes just out of his mind in love with you!

Shadow milk cookie ✨

Mew mews

Chuu/Lai

Chuuya / Nikolai Stitch-Up

To match FyoZai from last time, here's ChuuLai.

I wrote some notes on him.

He'd be a fucking woozy I know that much.

Give me headcanons, folks.

-Nix🌙

TRASH SUGAR MAGIC

➛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 12: ꜱᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇʀ ᴅᴀɴɢᴇʀ

➛ nikolai gogol x fem!reader

➛ fluff, suggestive | words: 8.2k

➛ ao3 | spotify | main menu

Have you ever met a jester in prison? 

It was like a horror movie, living together in a cell with this guy who went by Nikolai. As someone who made a living by collecting debts and killing people for various reasons, Nikolai is probably one of the men I would not mess around with. 

He’s a weirdo. His smile always hides weird intentions. He talks in riddles, drawing laughter from others but I know that he is just making them the fool instead of himself. What’s scary about him? Well… if a group of bullies accused him of locking them up in the bathroom and exchanging their limbs with each other, you would be careful, no? 

Unfortunately, people think the bullies went crazy. Nobody believes that a jester like him would be able to do such a weird horrible thing. Nobody believes that a smiley guy like him would tear up limbs like it’s nothing. I mean, look at him! He may be fit but there are other guys that are way bigger than him. 

He cannot do such a thing, not in prison, never in prison. 

But I think they spoke the truth. 

— ♡

Dream threatens to shut away but you want to have a couple more hours to see it to the end. But the glimpses of sunlight from the window tease your eyes when your eyelids flutter. You squirm, your body tries to get up and begin the day, but the blanket is pulling you in and keeping you still. 

You roll and roll until your body bumps against another. Forcing your eyes to pry open, you gaze up through the haze and smile. “Good morning,” You say with the softest voice to the man sitting next to you on the bed. His back is leaned against the headboard, cushioned by his pillow. There is his phone in his hand and he looks serious for a moment there. 

Nikolai says nothing. But without the satisfaction of his voice, you do not think your day could begin any better. So you take his arm—he is wearing a short-sleeved shirt today, with his old tattoos slithering his pale skin. You give him a shake. 

“Good morning,” You repeat. 

Finally, he looks at you. Usually, he would flash you a glare of annoyance but for the past few weeks, glaring has not become his habit. His mismatched eyes instead address you with an indecipherable gaze. Nikolai stares at you for a few seconds before he hums and smiles. 

“When you’re drunk, you don’t snore.”

Your eyes widen as you shriek in embarrassment. Hiding half of your face with the blanket, you look at him timidly. Oh, how unsightly it must be! How many nights has he suffered through your snores? And, and, and—oh Lord, didn’t you hug him as close to you last night? Did you snore right by his ears? 

Your face is plastered with a thick sheet of embarrassment. “I-I…”

But your apology is cut off when Nikolai lets out a small cackle. “I’m kidding. No, you sleep like a log. The quietest you’ve ever been.” He says. You huff, frowning at his teasing. Nikolai snorts. “Hm, maybe I shouldn’t even say that I was kidding. Let you believe you’re a noisy one in bed.”

“I’m not noisy in bed!” You protest. Nikolai glances at you, his eyebrow jerks up a bit before he turns away. 

“Yeah… not sure about that.”

“What do you mean?”

“…Nothing.” He murmurs. He seems distraught for a second and his cheeks are shaded with light pink as his eyes frantically travel between you and the nothingness around the room. 

You keep your eyes on him, sensing his nervousness. When your gaze is fixed on his quivering lips, your mind is rushed with last night’s drunken affair. Drunk as you were, the memories are still fresh in the back of your mind the deeper you scour through them. 

You remember his tight grip on the back of your head, pulling you close to cut your breath with a deep kiss. You slightly shiver at the ghostly feeling on your back, tummy and hips—where he touched them and fondled them. 

His touches were fire, as far as you remember it. 

You thought you were accustomed to his touches by now—soft and rough. It was not the first time you slept with him on the same bed—there was that moment when he was drunk out of his mind and sought comfort. Last night was different enough for you to feel flustered every time you reminisced about it—your mind could play the same fragment of memories over and over and you would still be sheepish. 

Last night was more. 

You are not sure whether to talk about it to him—what is there to talk about anyway? You knew you had poured your heart out for him. Those three sacred words that you muttered to him were and are never a lie or a mere drunken thought. 

“Kolya…” Your hand holds his as you brace yourself to look up at him. He turns his head to you, unreadable. “I… About last night—”

“Do you want to go to Olga’s place?”

Nikolai cuts you off immediately. You flinch lightly at his words. You stare at him and although his face remains unchanged, his hand holds yours back, squeezing it.

He doesn’t want to talk about it. 

A heavy flood of disappointment and embarrassment rushes in within you. But you understand it—well, try to. Nikolai has stated before that he has no desire to fall in love or even settle down. He wanted to finish something with an old friend—as much as you despise the thought of him being lost and lonely after that, you do not think you can even change his mind. 

A soft voice calling for your name startles you out of your thoughts. Your irises roam towards him again. He tilts his head, and gives your hand another squeeze before he asks: “Are we going? You have to return the backdoor key to Olga anyway, right?”

You nod slowly, forming a smile. At least he does not push your hand away. 

— ♡

“Quickly!” Nikolai grunts as he is waiting for you at the front door. He hears your pleas for one more minute from the bedroom. Sighing softly, Nikolai checks his phone one more time, reading Viktor’s new messages. 

Viktor: Are you coming?  Viktor: You bring your girl along?  Me: no i’ll drop her off at olga’s Viktor: Whaaaat we ordered food for you two! Viktor: Just bring her along. Zoya’s packed with customers and I’m getting a tattoo from my baby today Me: nope she can’t come Me: something important happened last night Me: and i have to tell you Me: very important  Viktor: Oh shit sounds like an emergency  Me: yes. so Me: don’t have sex in the studio Viktor: Heyyy

Nikolai shuts off his phone once he sees you jogging towards him. Your body is covered with one of his jackets—as usual, nothing new, he is so used to it—and a scarf around your neck. You stop by the front door to wear your shoes. As if on instinct, you place your hand on his chest to support your balance as you slip your feet into the shoes. His lips curve slightly for a smirk before he completely purses them together when you look up at him. 

“Okay, I’m good.”

“Alright. Get your ass out of the way then so I can lock the door.” He says and you only grin as you step outside happily. As you walk past him, Nikolai notices something from the corner of his eyes—a blazing red thing on your hair. 

He turns his head, taking a good look at you. Your hair is tied in a ponytail style and a red pompom on it. He lets out a nervous chuckle. “Not enough leeching off my fortune and you’re now stealing my stuff, sweetheart?”

“Hm?” You look at him and grin. “I lost mine and I found yours on the table.” Your hand gently takes his braid and wiggles the end of it in front of his face. His braid is also tied with a similar red pompom hair tie, except the red on it is faded. “We are matching! Oh, your face is as red as this too.” You tease, tickling his cheeks with his own hair. 

“You’re playing too much,” Nikolai pouts but makes no attempt to push your hand away. But your comment about his red face brings him some sort of self-consciousness. He turns away to close the door and lock it. In the meantime, his other hand palms his cheek, trying to get rid of the red—which is mainly caused by the cold, perhaps.

No other reasons. 

When you two arrive at the diner, there are already some customers inside. In haste, Nikolai quickly pulls the hood of the jacket over your head. You whine at his sudden roughness but you cannot really protest him—he has all the reasons to worry about you being recognized. 

He brings you to the bar, where Vasily is stationed today to make drinks. He straightens up once he sees Nikolai and you sitting at the bar instead of at any other table like other customers. You give Vasily a happy, friendly wave before Nikolai grips your wrist and pushes it down. 

“Call Olga for me,” Nikolai says, his tone cold. 

“Can you make a hot chocolate for me, please?” You ask Vasily. He nods and gives you a small smile but it drops when Nikolai glares sharply at him. He quickly rushes into the kitchen, calling for Olga. Nikolai almost smirks in amusement at how the young man is visibly intimidated by him but his smile could not even form when he feels a hard pinch on his arm. 

“O-Ow!” He flinches, looking at you in disbelief. 

“Don’t scare him like that.” You huff. 

“I don’t scare him. He is scared of me!” Nikolai replies.

You shake your head, crossing your arms. “He is scared of you because you are scaring him. You should be nice to him. He thinks you are scary because you always look angry around him.” 

“Well, I happen to like it that way.”

“You like to be scary?” You ask. He just shrugs. He is fairly aware of people who perceive him as intimidating—his reputation in prison was an example. Befriending guards and feigning friendships were easy. The hard part was to control himself from doing the worst to others. 

Nikolai is very sure that there was a reason why he ended up in a prison facility that is clearly only for ‘normal’ people with no special abilities. Meursault was easy to break in and out—most people think that by confiscating his white cloak, they also confiscated his abilities. But really, all he needs is just a fabric of space to get the work done. 

“Hello, you two. Sorry, we are kinda busy in the kitchen.” Olga’s voice makes both Nikolai and you turn your heads towards her. She walks into the area behind the bar with Vasily trailing her from behind. Vasily wordlessly starts to make a hot chocolate for you. There is a playful and mischievous impulse within him to further torment the boy but Nikolai holds back. 

“Here’s your hot chocolate,” Vasily says as he puts a cup of hot chocolate in front of you. You gleefully thank him, which sours Nikolai’s mood some more. What are you thanking for, darn it. It is just hot chocolate. I can make one too. Much better one too—he thinks. 

“Ahem,” Nikolai turns to Olga who is giving him a teasing smile. He huffs and looks away. Olga only chuckles before she turns to you. “I suppose you already know that you will move into my place a few weeks from now?”

Nikolai glances at you, watching. You nod at Olga’s words before you sip the hot chocolate. The drink stains your upper lip and your tongue emerges between your lips to lick it. He tries his best to pry his eyes away from your lips—he really does, but at the back of his subconscious mind, everything that happened on his bed last night has burnt and seared deeply in his brain. 

He knows it is bad to think about those same pair of lips kissing and smooching his face and the scar on his eye until he falls asleep. But it cannot be helped, really. Since this morning—he woke up earlier than usual and proceeded to tuck you in properly to bed—he has been thinking about whatever happened between you two. He wanted to convince himself that it was really a drunken decision to kiss you but Nikolai knows that even if he was not drunk at the slightest at that time, he still would have kissed you. 

He would. 

Nikolai barely listens to what you and Olga are talking about. It is probably something to do with your work as a staff here. He does not care about that, really. What he does care about is how you would live in a new place later on, possibly with a new roommate. 

Somehow he finds the thought of you waking up in the same house with other people annoying. 

“Kolya? Did you hear what I said?” Olga taps the table in front of Nikolai and he blinks confusedly. He shakes his head, not bothering to even lie that he was ever concentrating. He does concentrate though… on someone else. 

“I will need some time to prepare her room. When do you think she could start to move in?” Olga asks. 

“Why ask me? Ask her.” Nikolai pouts his lips towards you. “When do you want to leave?”

Your eyes divert down to your hot chocolate. Fiddling with your fingers, you mutter hesitantly, “Maybe… on the day you leave to Petersburg?” You say. “I don’t wanna move too early, you know?”

Nikolai glances at Olga and he finds her returning the same glance. He knows that there is a similar thought in their mind right now. You do not mind moving into Olga’s place early, surely, if your kidnapper is not him. 

“When will you leave, Kolya?” Olga asks slowly. 

He shrugs. “In two weeks or so… I gotta prepare a bit more things with Viktor about my apartment and car. Speaking of which, I do have to leave because I have to see him at Nastasya’s studio later.” Nikolai says. Your head jerks at him, frowning at the way he is already standing and adjusting his jacket. The gaze you are giving him is a clear protest that you do not want him to leave you—but ultimately, you say nothing. 

“Don’t make that face, birdie. I’ll be back at five. And you will work here and assist this graceful old lady.” Nikolai says and Olga’s sweet smile turns into a scowl. She smacks the back of Nikolai’s head mildly, which thankfully makes you chuckle. 

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.” You say to him. He smiles. 

“Good,” Nikolai then leans down, bringing his lips close to your ear as he whispers, “And don’t trust or talk closely with any customers or strangers. You can trust Olga but not the others, do you understand?”

There is a clear confusion on your face at his sudden warning but a good girl you are, you nod at his words. Nikolai is about to pull away from you but from the corner of his eyes, he notices that Vasily is looking at him suspiciously. Hating the idea that there is still a possibility—no matter how small—that Vasily could get a little too close to you, Nikolai makes a quick decision, not a second thought. 

He kisses your cheek. 

“Okay, buh-bye, ladies.” He turns on his heels, practically stomping towards the exit door. On his way to leave the restaurant, he hears your little squeals of happiness and attempts to even form a word to Olga. 

Nikolai smiles to himself, proud. 

— ♡

Whenever you are by yourself, a small giggle cannot stop leaving your mouth. 

It feels so unreal. The lingering feeling on your cheek is so unreal. 

If you are not working right now, you would have twirled and spun under the falling snow, skipping and dancing like a princess in those movies who live happily ever after. Your cheeks are warm and your heart is still fidgeting in delight. 

You are stationed at the bar, assisting Vasily with taking orders and learning to make drinks. It comes very easy for you since this is not entirely a new experience for you to work in such a setting. Olga even gives you a sheet of recipes for coffee and tea drinks, which is very much helpful. 

Vasily is gone to the back for a while now which leaves you alone at the bar. You do not mind since there are not many customers. But five minutes later, Vasily walks out from the staff room, completely changed into casual clothes while carrying a laptop bag. 

“Oh, are you leaving?” You ask. He nods and gets behind the bar to fill up his water bottle. 

“I have classes from five to nine.” He says. You coo, nodding in amusement. 

“What kind of classes do you have that you gotta go to college at night?”

“Electives… It’s very annoying.” Vasily huffs. “The coursework is always too redundant for a subject that is, frankly, quite unnecessary. The class is only for two hours but I will have to join a group discussion for another two.” He groans as he throws his head back. “Haven’t gotten a good sleep these days…”

You chuckle. Somehow you feel a little grateful that your day is not as busy as his. All you do during the day is bother Nikolai until he shuts you up by giving you food, but even then, you still talk to him about random things. Lately, you are trying to ramble to him about a short story called ‘The Fair at Sorochyntsi’ that you read from the old books he found around the house.

Reading short stories would be more fun than reading academic books, you think. Even so, you are not opposed to experiencing the struggle.

“I wish you luck then. And don’t forget to eat dinner and take care of your health, alright? You must stay healthy if you want to study smoothly.” You grin. Vasily looks at you for a moment before he snickers and nods. 

“Yeah, thanks. You too.”

He leaves the bar and with a farewell wave, he leaves the restaurant. From inside, you see him approaching his friend who is already waiting outside. You pry your eyes away and take a seat behind the bar as you wait for any new customer. 

You are overcome with boredom as you do crosswords in the newspaper to kill your time, until you hear the bell on the entrance door ring, signalling someone is walking in. You hope it is Nikolai but it is just a quarter past three o’clock. When you look up from the newspaper, it is a tall man who looks to be in his 40s, approaching the bar instead of choosing any table to sit at. The way he is walking is a little weird—it looks like he hurts one of his legs or something. 

Reaching the memo pad to take orders, you stand up and greet him. He returns your smile before sitting directly in front of you at the bar. “How can I help you, sir?” You ask. 

For a second, you notice how his eyes leer up and down upon you. Something about this man does not sit right with you. Nervously, your hand pulls the hood to cover your face a little bit more. You attempt to keep smiling and stay calm—you are probably more anxious doing things alone since Vasily is not around anymore and Olga stays in the kitchen with her other staff members. 

“What do you recommend to me, sweet pea? I don’t know much about this restaurant. It’s my first time here.” He says. Your eyes twitch upon hearing the nickname roll out his tongue like that. It feels repulsive—despite you being used to being called sweet nicknames like that by the men you escorted before. 

“Uhm, we have a tea-time promotion from three to six.” You say, trying to be as friendly and helpful as possible. You take a menu and give it to him, showing him the tea-time promotion. But the man’s gaze is not even on the menu, instead, it is fixated deeply on your face. 

“Maybe coffee,” He says.

“What kind of coffee would you like, sir? We have the classics.” You tap a section on the menu with your pen. “We have espresso, cappuccino, latte…”

“I’d like your favourite, then.” He grins. You force out a small cackle—just to remain friendly with him despite the uneasiness swirling deeply in your chest. 

“Uhm, mocha… would be nice, sir.” You mutter. He nods. 

“Alright. Two hot mocha please,” He says and you scribble the name on the memo pad. Before you could ask him for anything else, he grins once again. “One for you, one for me. My treat, miss.”

“Oh…”

Your hand stops. “I don’t… uhm… It’s not my break time yet, so…” You try to come up with an excuse. It is clear that this man is trying his way to you by offering you a drink, but you are still holding on to what Nikolai just said—do not trust anybody except for Olga. 

Besides, you are very not interested in meddling with other people right now. Your heart belongs to someone else and that someone has ignited a fire within you with a soft, faint kiss on the cheek. You do not want to entertain this man any further, so you quickly say, “One hot mocha coming right up, sir.”

You do not even bother asking him whether he wants any pastry or cake to go along with it. 

“Aww, come on, sweet pea. You aren’t really a friendly one, are ya?” He says again, this time, his tone is very flirty. He even makes whistling noises at you whenever you step a little closer to his spot to reach the equipment to make his mocha. 

“You’re real cute, sweet pea.” He rests his chin on his palm. He then sneers as his eyes roam all over your body. “Nice bod, too. No wonder people come here for you.” He winks before cackling at you. 

You only glance at him and say nothing as you put his hot mocha in front of him. You once again force a tiny smile. “Hot mocha, sir.” The man nods and stirs the drink.

“Say, little girl. You don’t look like you’re from here.” He says, leaning closer despite the counter bar being the only separator between you two. You try to not give him much attention to him and just smile at him—enough to not anger a man who lacks attention. “You don’t live alone, by chance?”

“I live with my man.” You mutter.

“Oh yeah? You really have a man?” He says. His tone is mocking, as if he does not believe you. You frown. 

“Yes. Yes, my man.” You affirm to him. It is not entirely a lie. You do live with a man but is he your man? Though your confession might be one-sided, you want to believe so—a little fantasy could help with your sanity after all the madness you have gone through in your life. 

The man only snickers at your response before he takes a sip of his drink. With his attention briefly moving away from you, you finally let out a sigh of relief. You do not think you want to linger behind the bar like this with this man near you. 

You must find something else to do. It is really unfortunate that it is not peak hour, so there are not many customers. When his gaze is away from you, you quickly slip out from the bar and make your way to reach the broom from the cleaning closet. You do not know what you are cleaning, but you do anyway. Anything to get away. 

But his gaze never leaves you—marking dirt upon your figure. 

— ♡

“Hello.” Nikolai steps into VIY Studio. He sees Zoya who is currently consulting a client in the lounge. She turns to him and nudges her chin to Nastasya’s office, already knowing the reason for his presence. Nikolai makes his way there and knocks on the door. 

“Oi, it’s me.” He says. He does not want to barge in like before. Big big mistake. 

“Come in!” He hears Nastasya’s faint voice from the inside. He opens the door and finds Viktor lying on his stomach, with his bare torso out in the open. Nastasya is dressed in black pants and a strapless black top. She is focused on tattooing Viktor’s back shoulder—it seems like a nose or something. 

“What’s this? What kind of movies are you inspired by now?” Nikolai asks as he takes off his coat and places it on the chair near Nastasya’s working desk. He sits down and reaches for the food that the couple ordered beforehand for him and you. 

“I saw an old play about noses. Pretty good shit and I want it tattooed on me as a memoir. Do you get me?” Viktor grins. Nikolai’s eyebrow jerks up in slight bafflement. 

“You tattooed a nose on your skin because you saw an old play? Wow. I’m glad I’m not that crazy.”

“It’s not just a nose! It’s the nose! The nose!”

Nikolai looks at Nastasya and as he munches on the chicken pelmeni, he says, “Are you sure you still want to be with this guy?”

Nastasya only scoffs. “I think it’s cute.”

“See!” Viktor cheers. “You don’t know shit about love, bro. Maybe try practising it with your baby blue babydoll, eh?” He teases. But Nikolai stops eating when he hears the mention of you. His face goes slightly red again when he remembers that he kissed your cheek unprompted before leaving earlier. 

Now how can he save his face when he returns to the diner? God, that was embarrassing. 

“Hey, I want to ask… She is not from this town, right?” Nikolai asks. Viktor nods. “And the loansharks… I don’t think they’re from here but they must have a base to operate if they want to catch her dad. Where are they? Where is it?”

“Moscow, but I don’t know which exact part of Moscow they’re based at,” Viktor replies. “Why?”

“Just curious.” Nikolai bites the inside of his cheek. His mind remembers a weird event last night where he sees a car from Moscow, seemingly suspicious. He does not want to think too hard about it but he does not want to take any risk. 

He will make his own investigation later. After all, he still has that knock-off Eyes of God. 

“So, what have you decided to do with her? You have like two weeks left here, right?” Viktor asks before he turns his head to look at Nikolai. He groans slightly, probably already feeling strained by the position and the dabbing needle on his back. 

“Yeah, I talked to Olga about it. She’ll take her in…”

“Ooh, good choice, good choice. Well, she’s safer with Olga for sure. No criminal groups are going to let that diner burn. It’s like a beloved nest for all drug dealers!” Viktor laughs but stops immediately when Nastasya slaps his ass as a warning to stop laughing so his back would not move so much. 

“I said I have something important to tell you, right?” Nikolai says. Viktor only hums. Nastasya is not even listening, most likely. She never really is the one who inserts herself in their business, unless it involves something that could endanger Viktor—which, frankly, a lot of times. 

“Well, this is about her.”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“We made out.”

Silence. 

Complete silence, except for the buzzing noise of the needle in Nastasya’s hand. Even then, the holder herself is wide-eyed, mouth agape, visibly surprised. And her boyfriend is no better. They physically freeze in their spot for a solid minute. 

With their wide-eyed gaze upon him, Nikolai feels extremely abashed, as if he has been put under the spotlight without his consent. As if he is forced to perform a play he never rehearsed. Even if he wants to stop the conversation right there and then—because he thinks they deserve just a speck of last night’s rendezvous—the way both of them look at him makes him want to confess all his sins. 

“We, uh… got drunk… and… she said I can sleep with her on the bed because… you know… and then… and… she kinda touched me— not like touched me there or anything— I think I touched her more than I should but uh… I… we kiss— well, I… I kissed her…”

Hot, scorching, blazing fire is burning his insides. Nikolai wants to bury his face in the soil and let the earth dim his heat away. Although he cannot see his face, he feels the tingles on his cheeks prick so damn hard when Viktor suddenly howls in excitement. 

“Woah! Woah! Woo! Woo! What? You fucking joking! Waow! Is this real?!” 

“Was she okay about it?” Nastasya asks carefully and Nikolai wants to just smack her because of that stupid question. What does she think? You are smitten with him (and he refuses to admit that he is the same when it comes to you). Of course you were fine about it. You literally hugged him, kissed him to sleep and kept him so close to your body like a teddy bear! 

Viktor is already sitting up, ignoring the pain in his muscles. He is enthusiastic, too happy for something so ‘small’ that happened to his friend. The way Viktor is cheering is as if Nikolai did not have occasional casual sex all his life. 

“Hey, wait! If you two have kissed… did you…” Viktor grins perversely as he makes a circle on one hand and his other hand makes a pointing finger gesture. With that stupid smile, he inserts his pointing index finger into the circle, which could only mean one thing. He even wiggles his finger as if to make his point any clearer. 

“No! I did not do that.” Nikolai lowers his voice. “We did not fuck, are you crazy? We were drunk! A-And… it’s too fast and it’s inappropriate and… she’s probably gonna be afraid and… you know…”

“Oh yeah, surely, dude. Suuuurely…” Viktor giggles and it turns to a loud laughter that he throws his head back. He is enjoying this a little too much and Nikolai could only lament his decision to even tell this couple. Nastasya is only watching, amused and entertained. Her laughing boyfriend tries to control himself as he teases again, “So, did you take a cold shower or something? You woke up with a boner this morning?”

Nikolai lowers his face in shame. 

“Worse.”

— ♡

The sky outside is cloudy but the snow is not as heavy as usual. The weather has been quite unpredictable these days. Nikolai has five more minutes until he arrives at Olga’s diner. He just finished an errand given by Viktor for some extra cash—he has to deliver some ‘mysterious package’ to a smuggling group and he got it done earlier than expected. 

When he finally arrives, he parks his car near the diner and sits back to check his phone. His eyebrow cocks in confusion when he sees a new message from Viktor—a link is attached to it.

Viktor: A Guide On How To Please A Woman Viktor: Hope this helps, bro. From one bro to another Me: pls fucking die 

Nikolai could only imagine the laugh Viktor is doing right now. But he does not really blame the guy. If the situation flips and it goes like Viktor is the one acting like this towards Nastasya, Nikolai would tease him the same—well… if that ever happens before his imprisonment, that is. 

He finally turns off the engine of his car and leaves the vehicle. He fixes the coat on his body and looks around as he walks towards the diner. But his steps are halted when he sees a certain car parked just several metres away from his own. Nikolai diverts his direction, approaching the car instead.

Seven-seven-seven. Moscow. 

The car is similar to what he saw last night in front of the convenience store. He remembers the plate number and the region code. His eyes narrow as he circles the car, trying to find anything that could answer his curiosity and suspicion. 

“This shit looks new and modern. Probably has an alarm if I touch the wrong button.” He mumbles to himself. Both of his hands are in his pockets, wagering his chances to even meddle with the car from the inside. Deciding that it is not worth his time—plus, the owner of the car might be inside the diner with you—Nikolai turns around and walks towards the diner. 

From the window, he sees only two tables are occupied by customers. A man is sitting at the bar and he notices you standing awkwardly by a table with a broom in your hand. Nikolai observes the others again—one group of customers is a couple of old people enjoying tea and reading newspapers and another group of customers is some teenagers enjoying their late lunches. 

The man, however—

Nikolai knows him. That figure he has known so well. There is no way he can forget a person he spent almost six years with while in prison, especially not when he has to live together with them day and night. 

“Bastard…” He mutters before he finally walks into the diner. The bell rings and Nikolai notices your eyes brighten up like the morning sun when you see him. You are about to take a step towards him but Nikolai immediately holds up his hand towards you without even looking at you. 

Instead, he approaches the man at the bar. Once he is close, he wraps his arm around the latter’s shoulders. 

“Elvir, my friend! How long has it been!”

Elvir flinches hard, hearing Nikolai’s cheerful, friendly voice. His head jerks to his side, seeing the familiar grin on Nikolai’s face. Nikolai immediately takes a seat beside him, his arm still extended over the older guy’s shoulder, patting his back at a steady pace. 

“How’ve you been, friend?” Nikolai asks, with the last word hardened at the edge of his tongue. “How’s Borys, if you still keep in contact with him. Oh, oh! How’s your leg, hmm? Still clanking nice? Still clanking good?” With his foot, Nikolai nudges the metal that replaced half of Elvir’s left leg. 

Elvir immediately pulls back his left leg, avoiding Nikolai’s playful kicks. An intense fear is clear in his eyes, with the way his irises shake. “Nikolai… What are you doing here…?” He asks and his voice is yet another proof of his dread. 

“What am I doing here? Well, I live here, silly goose!” Nikolai grins. “What are you doing here? All the way from Moscow? Huh? Yeah? Moscow, right? I mean, I saw a strange car outside and then I saw you—I really don’t imply that you are strange, no, no, not at all!—and I make the connection and badump! You’re all the way from Moscow.”

“I… I am.”

Nikolai smiles, nodding. “Mm-hm, mm-hm. So, why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you come here, dummy? Oh, and let’s not lie to each other, Elvir. I know how tricks and lies work, alright?” He says, tapping the table in front of Elvir, demanding answers. “Come on, spill out, old guy. This is the time for old friends to catch up with one another.”

“It’s… It’s just that I have a job here.” Elvir says hesitantly. “No other reasons.”

Nikolai smirks. “Let me guess. Is it to retrieve the daughter of your debtor?”

Elvir’s eyes widen. His irises frantically move between the man in front of him and the girl who has been sweeping the floor for over an hour. He tries to speak but all that leaves his mouth are filler words of nervousness and uncertainty. 

He then gasps before lowering his voice to a whisper. “Wait… Are you perhaps… the informant Vivian?”

Vivian—Nikolai knows that name. It is a pseudonym for Viktor to ensure the privacy of his real name. He only ever uses that name for criminal stuff ever since both of them worked at the shady circus. Viktor wanted to have an alter-ego, so to speak, as his ‘illegal identity’ and wanted the name to begin with ‘V’. He ended up with ‘Vivian’ after multiple horrible suggestions from Nikolai—prime exhibit: ‘What about Viagra? Vibrator? Virgin? Viscerocranium?’ ‘Shut your hole, Gogol.’

“I’m not Vivian. But I am acquainted with him.” Nikolai says. “He’s my manager, basically. Well, partner-in-crime, more accurately. F-friend, sorta.”

“Vivian has been in contact with one of my men about… our debtor. We asked him to get his daughter as our hostage quite a while ago…” Elvir whispers, which only annoys Nikolai because there are no goddamn people near them. The teenagers are busy with themselves and old people can barely hear anyway. Boldly, Nikolai pushes Elvir’s shoulder away, putting distance between them. 

“I’m aware. After all, I was the one who got the girl.” Nikolai says before tilting his head in your direction. You are not facing him, instead you are now changing your sweeping job to wiping the windows. “She’s the girl you wanted, right?”

Elvir glances at you for a second before he licks his lips, contemplating and choosing his words carefully. He nods slowly. “Yeah. She is. I-I thought she would be… locked and tied up… And she’s not even…” He pauses, staring at you. You are incredibly close to the main door to the diner. At any time you can run out and scream for help. Hells, you can even plead your case to the group of teenagers and yet—

“She doesn’t even run away…”

Nikolai smiles to himself—Locked her up, tied her up, knocked her out, I did all that and she ran back to me. 

Elvir scoffs, suddenly. “I see. She doesn’t run away because you trained her or something? Make the girl obedient and listen to you?”

Quite the opposite, actually. 

“You can think of it that way,” Nikolai shrugs his shoulders before he grabs Elvir’s jaw, turning the older man’s gaze away from you. Then his hand moves to stay on Elvir’s back, almost like a warning gesture. “But that’s not important right now, yeah? You came here to retrieve her.” Nikolai says. 

“Well, y-yeah.”

“Her daddy already died, though.”

“He had millions in debt, Nikolai.” Elvir grunts. “If he cannot pay anymore, his daughter can.” 

“That’s not her responsibility,” Nikolai replies, his glare turning sharp. Elvir is about to retort but Nikolai quickly cuts him off. “I know what the likes of you do to young women like her. Even her former job did not pay her well. You expect her to be able to pay off millions and possibly more because of your fuckass interest rates in just a couple of years?”

He suddenly cackles dryly. “You’re full of shit, you know that? You’re gonna enslave the fuck out of the girl.”

Elvir frowns hard and his fist clenches. His anger seems to be accumulating, probably because of the condescending and mocking tone that Nikolai has been using to speak to him—he feels disrespected, and the jester is more than happy to taunt and ridicule him. 

“Your business ended ages ago, Gogol. You’re just paid to kidnap the girl. Nothing more. Your job is done done. The girl belongs to us and she has more shit to do than cleaning this damned restaurant.”

Nikolai’s lips form a soft, tiny twinkle. “Mm-hm. I know.”

“Then what the fuck is the matter?”

“This is the matter.”

Click!

Elvir freezes. His breath is stuck without a second once he hears a familiar cocking sound of a gun. And he is right on the money when his eyes lower to his stomach, where a gun is pointed. His eyes then slowly shift up, meeting Nikolai’s sweet smile and menacing stare. 

“Now, here’s a quiz.”

He smiles broadly. “What other limbs can I tear apart from you aside from your left leg?”

Elvir says nothing and he shudders when Nikolai guides the gun to his right leg. “The answer is its lovely pair.” 

“E-Easy with the threats—”

Nikolai cuts him off again. “You see… I believe that when we have the free will to choose our options, we also choose our consequences. I mean, you made the choice to report me to the disciplinary act in jail, so your consequence is that you lost your leg, oops! So I’ll give you options, choices and free will, so to speak.”

He leans closer and the tone of his voice lowers deeply as he says, “One, you come near the girl, this place or this town, I’ll sever more than just your right leg. Bonus if I’m diligent, maybe your men can get a part of your limbs, who knows? The skin, after all, is the biggest organ. You would have enough to be a souvenir to many.”

The fear on Elvir’s face is prominent. He swallows his saliva nervously and even carefully as if one wrong move can lead him to death. And he is not entirely wrong considering that an unsecured gun is still pointed against his stomach, with Nikolai’s finger already on the trigger. A simple press and he could have lost his guts—and he does not think Nikolai’s threat is merely trivial. 

No, he does not take this man lightly. What he witnessed in prison is enough. 

Nikolai suddenly laughs keenly, as if he finds this situation fun. Perhaps it is fun for him. “Ah! Don’t make that face. It’s comedic, really! I almost forgot what your second option is!” He sighs, shaking his head. 

“Don’t screw with me—”

“Second, you turn around, face straight ahead and fuck off back to Moscow.” Nikolai retracts his gun, tilting his head with an adorable smile. “And you shall live happily ever after like a prince in fairy tales.”

Elvir stands up. 

Without words and at a fast speed, he turns around to leave. He hastily walks off but his steps stop when Nikolai loudly says, “Hey now, my good friend! Why are you in a rush? Just walk, man! Your legs are totally fine and healthy, aren’t they?”

The diner is silent, except for a steady series of footsteps echoing through the whole room and that series ends finally when the bell on the door rings, signalling that someone has left. 

“Nikolai…?”

Nikolai turns his head, finally seeing his blue angel after minutes of talking with an old creepy man. The sight of you is a real eye-cleanser and his heart flutters when he sees the confusion on your face that is only adding to your grace. 

“Are you angry with me?”

Now he is the confused one. “What? Where do you get that from?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s ‘cause you were like… don’t want me to talk to you or something earlier…” You say before you move to behind the bar again. You stand right in front of where Nikolai is seated. 

“No, I don’t mean it that way, love.” He says softly. “I stopped you because I didn’t want you to come to me when I was talking with that guy. Glad you actually didn’t approach me with a menu.” 

“Do you know him?” You ask. “He had been sitting here for about two hours or so. He was being creepy and I was… scared.”

Nikolai hums, resting his chin on his palm as he stares at your timid face. As if you notice his eyes are on you, you look up at him, giving him a smile which he gladly returns. “What did he talk to you about?”

“Mm… He was flirting. He tried to buy me a drink as well and he asked me if I live alone.”

“Uh-huh… And then what did you say?”

“I said I don’t live alone.”

Nikolai nods and sighs. “Good girl. That’s smart of you for saying that. It could be worse.” A sheepish smile crooks on your face before you give him a menu. 

“Anything to drink? I can do most of the drinks now! Vasily taught me.” You giggle. Nikolai is about to whine and protest at the mention of the name but hearing your giggle only makes him snicker to himself. He does not really want to drink anything but he proceeds to ask you to make him a hot latte anyway. You nod and take the cup that Elvir used hours ago and then stop. 

“Oh. Your friend did not pay…”

“He’s not my friend.”

“Who is he then?”

Nikolai rubs his lips, pondering. “He was my cellmate, back in prison. His name is Elvir.” He says. He wonders if he should tell you about Elvir’s involvement with your father—he does not want you to get scared to live by yourself. But he also does not want you to carelessly interact with people, although knowing that Olga’s place has an ‘extra protection’ from criminals who often make deals here. 

He watches you walk around, making a latte in precision. You do not seem to be clueless about any of these—which makes him wonder whether you have worked in a cafe as a barista before. He knows you have been taking small jobs ever since you were young to support yourself. Nikolai scoffs to himself a bit. He realises that you are more than capable of being independent but for many reasons, you surely love being pampered so much—by the man who kidnapped you, no less. 

“Here’s your coffee,” You say as you put a cup of hot latte in front of him. “Please give me fifty-percent tips.” You beam playfully. 

“Ha, you don’t demand tips, little dove. No tips, no tips, you already leeched off a lot from me.” He says before he puts down a couple crumpled cash notes on the table and the amount is certainly more than the price of the latte. “Here you go, love.” You take it and count it. 

“Do you want to donate to charity?” You attempt again. Nikolai is baffled but still very much entertained. 

“What fucking charity?”

“Orphans.”

He rolls his eyes, cackling under his breath as he waves his hand dismissively. Your little noise of victory is a melody to his ears as you register the exact amount of cash equal to the latte’s price and stuff the balance into your pocket. 

“Ah, but what about Elvir’s mocha?” You ask. “He asked for two too.”

“I ain’t paying for that,” Nikolai says before he sips his coffee. His eyes glance around the area, not finding Olga anywhere. She is in the kitchen, likely, because he hears faint gossip noises from there—old ladies’ activities, what is new? 

“Just hush hush about it.” You nod at his not-so-helpful suggestions and quickly go to wash the used cups at the sink. Nikolai just sits there, watching you intently. He is still thinking about whether to talk more about Elvir. He does not want to lie to you—he promised that many nights ago. Elvir is not from here and surely he has not a single clue on how things work with the underground world that exists in the shadow of this town. 

He calls for your name. You are surprised at his call for a moment but you make your way to his spot anyway. 

“Elvir works for loan sharks.” He states. “I don’t have any promise that he would not come back and it would be extremely dumb on his part to do that… but if you ever see him even when he does nothing more than just smile at you, you have to tell me.”

“Loan sharks…?” You mutter. “Is he…”

“Yes.” Nikolai firmly says. “Yes, he is exactly what you think. So if you ever see him, tell me. Do not tell anyone else other than me or Viktor. You can ask for a phone from Olga but still, it’s either me or Viktor. Is that clear?”

You say nothing, eyes lowered down. You bite your lips as you try to form a question amidst your agitation. “W-What is he planning to do with me? I mean, he surely will come back, right?”

“If he wants to be decapitated apart, yes,” Nikolai mumbles. He glances at you before sighing softly and offers his hand to you. You wordlessly put your hand on his, gripping it tightly, which he returns with little rubs of his thumb on your skin. 

“Don’t be scared, little dove. You are going to be fine. People here love you lots, you know?”

“Do you?”

Nikolai stays silent. 

“Do you… love me?“

You know I can’t answer that. 

Nikolai says nothing. Even with your pleading gaze upon him, he says nothing. Instead, he brings your hand to his lips. 

And kiss it. 

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