*Valentine's Day In Ada*

"That's the real sickness here, your righteousness and hypocrisy. It's the simple fact that you can't live by the rules you set, yet you still pretend. This is your world. You bulit this. If it's too strict, tear it the fuck down. But don't look at me. Don't take your hate out on me, I just got here. And I have no clue where to go, because from the moment I arrived, all I was ever given were orders. 'Smile. Open up. Cross your legs. Speak softer. Scream louder. Be quiet. Be confident. Be an angel. Be a whore. Be a princess. Be anything you want to be'...."

~Assassination nation, 2018.

Me and my friends hanging out and talking about our fictional crushes:

Friends: normal crushes on attractive characters

Me: has a crush on only main character's brothers

Friends: omg looks likes you have a brother complex...hahaha.....just kidding

Me: heh....no of course not

Me, later in my bed: I think I do have a brother complex caused by lack of male figures to look up that has made me in want of finding them in other peoples siblings.....

Me: or they are just hot when they are two years older

Dazai getting out of Chuuya's apartment in the morning: 😶

Atsushi getting out of Akutagawa's apartment in the morning: 😶

Dazai: let's keep this a secret between us and not tell anyone about this in the ADA

Atsushi: deal.

I can't wait to listen to the new Taylor Swift album to adapt a new personality. Till now I have been: a lovesick highschooler, the girl next door, depressed college student, a popstar, a diva, a lovable goof, a snake, again a more mature lovesick highschooler, a storyteller, a dreamer and now..........let's see.

My favourite Shakespeare quotes:

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be" - Hamlet

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - As You Like It

"Good company, good wine, good welcome can make good people" -Henry VIII

"This above all: to thine own self be true" -Hamlet

"There is nothing either good or bad, but things making it so" -Hamlet

"I do love nothing in this world so well as you; is not that strange?" -Much ado about nothing

"O happy dagger, This is thy sheath: there rust, and let me die" -Romeo and Juliet

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool" -As You Like It

"Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal longings in me" -Antony and Cleopatra

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." -Julius Caesar

"Et tu, Brute?" -Julius Caesar

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!" - A Midsummer night's dream

"For she had eyes and chose me" -Othello

"But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve. For daws to peck at: I am not what I am" -Othello

"If she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world" -The comedy of errors

"Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!" -Macbeth

"Look like the innocent flower, But be the serpent under it" -Macbeth

"Life ... is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing" -Macbeth

Favourite Jane Austen novels (a.k.a all books)

1. Emma

2. Pride and Prejudice

3. Northanger Abbey

4. Persuasion

5. Mansfield Park

6. Sense and Sensibility

7. Lady Susan

Dazai, slamming his glass: why doesn't he love me, dammit!

Oda: maybe you should calm down a little; following him around and spying on him would come off as creepy to him.

Ango, massaging his temples: I have no idea how you haven't gotten arrested for spying!

Dazai: maybe because we are fucking criminals that work in the Mafia, Ango? I don't think Chuuya would report ME to the police of all people....

Oda: what if he reports you to the boss?

Dazai: the boss is the one who gave me the idea of spying on Chuuya to get his attention! He has been helping me all along!

Oda:......

Ango: that sounds like him.

*Meanwhile*

Chuuya: that idiot mackerel has been following me around for a week! Can you stop him?

Mori: interesting, have you thought of giving in and going out with him?

Chuuya: of course no----wait a minute! THAT'S your question? Shouldn't you stop that crazy ass behaviour?

Mori: I have decided to send you two on a joint mission to Hawaii....for a month.

Chuuya: huh? What will we do there? Have a honeymoon?

Mori:....

Chuuya: NOOOOO

Me: Have care how to speak about them, Akutagawa, Chuuya and Dazai are my children

Someone: They killed 80 people in two days

Me: they're adopted

After Dazai is back in the ADA, he moves in with Atsushi and Kyouka for some time to heal his injuries.

They become really close with each other during that time. Watching movies together, going to amusement parks where Kyouka dries their wallets eating ice-cream and crepes, having hot pot, Oden and Chasuke almost every day to soothe their souls.

Dazai gets better immediately but he still pretends to be sick because he likes this little family they have made and he had never truly been a part of something like this before. A relationship where he doesn't have to worry about making plans and schemes. He can just relax with the kids and forget he has any problems or issues for some time.

Atsushi and Kyouka find Dazai eccentric with his bad dad jokes and some surprisingly good advice; he has a big personality but that balances their introversion and makes them more open. His presence is comforting to them.

In the end none of them ever speak about Dazai moving out and they just go on with their dangerous lives, knowing they can go back in the night to a place called home.

Dazai: do you guys ever think about dying?

Kyouka: sometimes

Atsushi: can we not talk about that at 2 AM when we are trying to sleep?

Dazai: I was just wondering how it will be like after death

Kyouka: I think death is better than torture

Dazai: do you remember the Port Mafia torture method where they half kill you to make you face death and then make you beg for your lives?

Kyouka: the one with the barrels? I think hanging upside down is much worse...

Atsushi: can we stop fucking talking about THIS and go to SLEEP????

Dazai, gasping: how can you swear in front of Kyouka-chan! That gives her bad manners!

Atsushi: YEAH, you two can talk about fucking dying and torture, but I can't swear? You've gotta be shitting me.

Dazai: ......

Kyouka: yeah, Atsushi swears a lot when he is mad. He learnt that in the orphanage

Me watching Fruits Basket:

What I thought it would be about: Oh it's a typical shoujo anime with two pretty boys falling in love with the main girl. I can watch it and be relaxed. And they turn into animals! Haha, fun.

What it was: Trauma, PTSD, Parental neglect, isolation, self loathing, self depreciation, depression, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, guilt, regret, grief, loss, heartbreak.

Now I need therapy.

(PS: as a girl who loves Girly media and Shoujo manga. I am so happy that this is a Shoujo that subverts a lot of people's expectations and makes you understand that Shoujo/Josei are NOT all the same as well as depict such a good story about familial trauma which is something we don't usually get.

I wish we could get more Shoujo/Josei anime each season 🥲)