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Mental Illness - Blog Posts
babe are you okay you looked up “in front of my mother and sisters i pretend love is cheap and vulgar” again
Depression isn’t fake. Or trivial, or even simple. It’s nebulous, it’s important and it’s all. Too. REAL. Please...don’t joke about it. A reblog would be appreciated, but...at least remember this? It’s the least anyone could do.
It's so weird talking to people who's view of "here's the way life is for everyone" is shattered as soon as they talk to someone with disabilities (physical, mental illness, any). Like you'll say you'll have a problem and instead of helping you they'll argue with you about how you're not actually facing that problem. Like,
Me: Hey, I'm really struggling to find a job and a part of it is my resume. I was depressed & psychotic during highschool so I didn't do anything to gain skills or achievements to put on my resume. I also don't have anyone to put as a reference. What can I do?
Them: You can add your skills, hobbies, clubs you're in, and different volunteer work you've done! You can also get your teacher as a reference.
Me: I already know what to put on a resume, my issue is that I don't have things that I can use. Also, I'm in my mid 20s so I don't know if I can put my highschool teacher as a reference.
Them: Well if you're a part of a church or an activity group, you could add that. Also, think of any projects you've worked on in the past.
Me: I already know you can put these things on a resume. I'm not looking for suggests of things I've already done, I'm looking for what I can do now if I haven't done anything.
Them: There's no way you didn't do anything during highschool?? What about some odd jobs you definitely did for extra money, like babysitting or mowing the lawn?
Me: I spent all of highschool either in modified classes or in bed doing nothing - not even hobbies, what about that do you not understand?
And then you talk to someone who's also disabled and they're like "Here's a bunch of jobs you can do from home that don't pay much but look good on a resume, here's some free online courses that also look good on a resume, here's how you can be making small amounts of money in the meantime, here's some things you can put besides a professional reference, and here are your rights if your future employer tries to take advantage of your disability - which you probably shouldn't tell them about unless you need accommodations."
And suddenly my will to continue trying returns!
I keep forgetting that the body and brain that I have are actually Severely Fucked and Debilitating, and that most other people don't have to deal with any of that
I always have to make sure I fit the standard of the people that have it on easy mode, no fucking wonder I'm so exhausted
WISC -Wolf In Sheep's Clothing -Story
-Synopsis -Prolog
each day feels like another scene in a tired play
lifeless marionettes moving around on taught strings
cruel hands making them dance and sing
for the silent audience's amusement
but nothing is ever enough
nothing ever makes them stop
it goes on and on and on
just a sad kind of tired that creeps upon you with little cat feet
curls up on your shoulder and never leaves
it yawns and shifts and gets heavier and heavier, but you can’t bring yourself to let go
you get sadder and tireder but the numbing blanket it provides is addicting
you can’t go back to the world without the tired kind of sad and its little cat feet
Autistic Traits which are interpreted Rude...
Neurodivergent_lou
Even more
Because of some mental health issues my .om wants to throw away her painting and art in general. He are some of her paintings.
Because of some mental health issues my .om wants to throw away her painting and art in general. He are some of her paintings.
I’m about to throw hands with my mental self
My sister ♡♡♡♡♡ she is just like me♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎
Mfs when a mental ILLNESS is a detriment to someone's health and not a quirky character trait: 😮😲🤯
Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.
My main character syndrome is so high that whenever I get into a problem I just go "this is how the plot is supposed to be, it will help in my character development"
Soft and Safe
I have a friend, let's call her Soft and Safe.
Let's call her that because it's shorter than Fluttering butterflies and excited hands waving, lilac purple capris and silk blouse, also soft ripped jeans and oversize hoodie. It's shorter than the Life of the party, social butterfly, but also sleepover deep talk.
She was the first one to fully support me when I came out as bi. She's still the one I feel most comfortable telling my insecurities to.
She's physically beautiful, yes, with brown curls and doe eyes, but more like her soul would make any body beautiful, you get it? It really doesn't matter how she looks. Does that make sense?
I know Soft and Safe doesn't see herself this way, so this is my way of telling her. A Tumblr post she'll never see.
Because all Soft and Safe sees is her flat chest and her acne prone skin. All she sees is that she was asked to the ball last in dance class last year. She was recently told she has depression, and she said "yeah, checks out." I don't think she sees how much I admire her, and want her to stay in my life forever. But I never told her.
So, how can you be sure you're not someone's Soft and Safe?
Bro I must be FUCKED up if I had all this checked off at therapy
I have 10 minutes to kill myself
I just hope I get admitted to a mental hospital
its my 2nd post in under an hour and i feel like shit i feel like im an annoying little shit for posting all this in under a day and giving all 2 people who follow me too many notifications but at the same time that's what blogs are for right?? idk i feel like i should delete my blog but i know i shouldn't because i NEED to be remembered by AT LEAST SOMEONE before i kms in a few years but i know its just my shark week & mental illness talking but at the same time i don't FEEL like it's them talking idk i should probably get medication for it