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I want to be consumed. To not be myself anymore and become part of something else. That’s what true love is. I want you to give me new life. Set fire to my soul. I’ve spent my whole life hurting, aching but I know love will fix me. Your love will fix me. Kiss me with those golden lips and pour your sunshine into me. It will fix me. It has to. Everything I touch, I leave with scars. Look what I've done to my body, look at my body and tell me you still love me. Touch the scar on my right knee, caress the mark on my forehead, kiss the old wounds on my achilles heel. Take them from me, I give them willingly. What is my body supposed to do without you, how should I move it without your instruction?
My whole life I have been waiting for you. I am a believer prostrating before the altar of my god, you. Wash away my sins, make me anew. Let me be reborn in your light. Make me into something lovable, make into something worth holding. Unmake me from what I am. You are purity and divinity, all things I am not. When God made us, we were made in your image, but not me. Not me. I am a wretched thing, I am not your creation but I could be. I could be beautiful, I know you could make it so.
I once heard someone ask “Do you love God or are you in love with God?” and yes is my answer. Is there a difference? Not to me.
I love you like something that can’t be loved back. I know that, I know that.
Forever Rain
I wish it would rain forever So we could always stay together The world grey and blue But I would always have you Never without the quiet pitter patter But there would be no more chatter I wish we were the only ones left alive And in the rainfall we would thrive Just you, me and the rain In our little domain I wish the world would drown So you would never frown You would love me forever And we would never part whatsoever That would be so splendid To live in a world suspended
Little rabbit, with soft white fur like fresh fallen snow, Where are you running to?
Big fox, I’m off to the bakers, to the beavers, to the beach by brewery lane, And you aren’t welcome.
Little rabbit, I am as kind as a cool summer wind soothing a fever, Why am I not welcome?
Big fox, with your big jowls and teeth, you will eat me whole Slurp up all my bones.
Little rabbit, never in my life for I love you so You quick footed spirit I cannot catch.
Big fox truly? Truly with your corn eyes, your bone teeth, your sunset fur Do you truly love this little rabbit?
I always have and I always will Little Rabbit. You have a big heart Fox. Bigger than you and I. ......................................................................
Big fox, where did you run off to? I couldn’t find you in the stream, in the strawberry bush, in the shadows of the sycamore tree.
Little rabbit, I was not far, not far at all. I went to see if the hedgehogs had any bread to spare during this harsh winter.
Big fox, thank you for trying, thank you loving me, Though my fur is falling out, I’m all skin and bones, and I don’t have much energy for anything these days.
Little rabbit, but of course and thank you for still loving me, Despite my yellow teeth, and patchy fur, and growling stomach
Big fox, I will always love you, You promised not to eat me and even though we have little you have yet to break your promise.
Little rabbit, I never will. Big fox, now come lets see if we can find any berries.
......................................................................
Little rabbit, I am sorry for what I must do, But my stomach can’t survive on love alone and this winter has been so cold.
Big fox, you promised to love me forever, You swore it under the eucalyptus tree, under the Everdeen bridge, under the everglowing moon.
Little rabbit, can’t you see? My stomach aches so badly, my body feels so weak, my tongue has not tasted meat in so many months now.
Big fox, eat someone else! You can’t eat me, I'm terribly thin like you and I wouldn’t taste great.
Little rabbit, you will do, you will do. Curse me not for what I do, curse my nature as a fox.
Big fox, so that’s what it is? I am the rabbit and you the fox so I must run and you must chase?
Little rabbit, yes such is our way. We were deluded to think it could be otherwise
Would you still love me if I were a worm,
Which is to say, would you still love me if I couldn’t take you on walks Which is to say, would you still love me if I couldn’t feed you Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t play with you Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t kiss your head and pet your fur Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t serve you?
If I could provide you nothing, would you still come to me tail wagging Place your head in my lap, lick at my lotioned legs, Whine when I ignore you, chase me when I run from you?
Or would you find someone new, someone who could give you all those things And more. Would it even hurt for you to leave me, or would I be an afterthought? I’d like to think you’d never leave my side, no matter what Man’s best friend and all.
We’ve been together for so long, not us two but humans and canines. When we leave for the stars will you come with us? I’d take you with, I’d take you anywhere I went.
You were made to serve us, but it is us that serve you To a dog, man is God And who would worship a God if they could give no boons, answer no prayers, quell no storms, bless no harvests Which is to say, I don’t deserve your worship
Someone once said that humans are a dog’s whole life while they’re only a chapter to us. What a terribly sad thing to say. You deserve a whole novel
You give me so much and I give nothing in return I weep into your fur and you wait patiently, I injure myself and you try lick the wound to help I lag behind you as you run and you slow and look back waiting for me, I step on your tail and you cry but immediately forgive me, I hold you as you tremble from the thunder that I can do nothing about
I know this is a Dog eat dog world, so I would not feel betrayed If you stopped loving me So I ask again, would you still love me if I were a worm?
I will go to a gluten free place for you
I will find options of how we can do things together
And not have to worry about things like limits
To the little girl, I used to be do you remember all those nights when you would stay awake Thinking up all those far away dreams You would stare up at the ceiling planning out how you would do it all
All those years you spent taking care of everyone else Watching your siblings, making sure that they had the childhood you never had. Giving up on all those dreams you had made for yourself Handing them over to your siblings, thinking that maybe they could let them grow. Planning on becoming their superhero, Ready to save their day, Shielding them from all the screaming, The sharp words being thrown like knives. Giving them a haven from the flying fists and broken doors.
But darling I promise you Your life will not have been wasted. I will following your footsteps saving the kids from those monsters that lurk around them. I will keep themself, and make sure they grow
Remember all those nights you would make promises Between you and the world outside that shitty apartment window Telling yourself it would get better, rehearsing it so much it was branded in your heart and brain Telling yourself those thoughts would go away That you could wake up And be the perfect daughter You would wake up and be a girl and believe it Your body would no longer feel so wrong
Spending all those nights and early mornings Praying to that god you were so hopelessly clinging to Begging him to make it all make sense Those thoughts stuck circling in your head All the worries and fears that had kept piling up Tangling themselves together
you were right when you said you’d never see twenty-seven You weren’t even able to see yourself as a teenager The image always seemed so far off, Just out of reach a dream you always had each night but always leaving in the morning light Leaving you with just tiny pieces of it.
You had been off by a few years though There was never a sweet sixteen for you No birthday presents and a new car. You had been long gone before that.
You had barely seen fourteen, Eighth grade was your last. But I think you knew that. I think you had come to terms, Knowing that you would die soon. But that’s how you were always giving, giving, and giving. So I guess it wasn’t that big of a surprise.
What would you think of me now if you saw who you became Would you be proud? Proud that I finally found myself That I had finally realized who I was Would you be happy? Happy that I had made it this far, That I was able to finally make it to sixteen, even though you didn’t?
Because for me to make it, You had to die, I had to kill every part of you. I had to be the one to hold that pillow over your head, I still have the scars from those scratches you gave me. I carry them like war paint, showing the world how I was born.
I had to burn that name you carried for years, Burning it to ashes, spreading them to the world. The name you carried on your back like a shield or a burden Depending on how you looked at it.
I cut off those beautiful brown locks that you loved. Those curls littered the floor of the bathroom, while chopped them off with some old kitchen shears. That beautiful brown color was bleached and turned any color besides that natural tone.
Your skin that was then envy of your family I covered in scars and marks, making it match the way we both had felt. Making your family no longer love it, turning it into something they no longer wanted to see.
I took the breasts that you had always hoped for, And had chopped them off, leaving your chest barren and scarred making it easier for me to live, no longer have those things as a reminder as to who you used to be, while it had made you cry out in shame, for you had lost the things you had been hoping would make you feel as if you belonged in your skin.
but my dear adora, I hope you realize that nothing I had done to this body, that was once yours, was in malice or hatred. it was just something I had needed to do, for me to live happily. please remember I’ll love you forever, my little girl of grey. rest well knowing will live this for the both of us, taking those chances you never did.
always and forever, Elliott Mars Parker.
Take this body I'm imprisoned in,
This prison of flesh and fat
encasing me in something that feels so foreign
these breasts, that still haunt me
always stuck on my chest
reminding me no matter what
That this prison I live in is still female.
Take this skin I wear.
That's not light enough for it to be white.
but too white to be black
this skin that’s made of nightmares and scars
reminding me of all these nightmares, I've lived through.
Take these hands that are so rough and cracked.
Never to be soft enough for any of my lovers
where these jagged nails
are torn enough to rip and tear my cracked skin
Take my hair that’s too white.
To hold these curls of my ancestors
but still too black for my mother's beautiful red locks
take my voice.
That still shakes and cracks at the words,
I've had trapped in my throat.
Burning it raw and ragged
Making it so any words that I still manage to speak
are caked in the blood and pain
of the effort, it took to let me free.
If today was my last How would I spend it? would I take in all the little things, gathering all those little details that I have always missed, my head has always been too full of all these things that keep me up at night. Or would I still just float through it all Still just a shell of the kid I once was, all the vibrancy and wonder having left years ago.
Would I go to the library? to collect a few last lines Letting them live on the tip of my tongue. only to set them free with my last breath. letting the feeling of ink on the page, be the last thing my fingertips will feel. the smell of paper and secrets, invading my senses and welcoming me home at last.
Would I go to the school that has hallways I have haunted? having drifted through them, my eyes empty and my brain always too full with all those thoughts. stopping in the classes to whisper a few final goodbyes even though nobody would notice or hear me pausing the disorder and energy in those hallways, for just a few moments, finally letting myself take it all in.
would I go to the forest wherein the deepest part I could lie on its soft grass floor, in the utter calm of it letting my lungs finally breathe in the crisp air, the feeling of its coldness expanding within them. closing my eyes for the last time, finally letting myself feel at peace and safe, hearing the bird's singing floating around me, their cries being the last thing I will ever hear.
My last words will be uttered so softly that not even the wind would hear them, when they escape this prison of my mind, floating away with my final exhale. My last breath will flow out feeling free for the first time, escaping into the world seeing it all.
My father was of ebony. My mother of ivory I am the child of grey. Not enough ebony to be of my father To little ivory to be with my mother
My heart was of half-ice. A cold so unfeeling So a cold almost to the point of burning, never enough feeling to care my head half of snakes calculating and cruel always planning and waiting for the perfect moment to strike
My heart is made of half gold. Tender and caring beautiful and full of love, perfect to suit you my head half made of fire burning hot, always craving for something to fuel it unpredictable and starving for its next game
I am the child of grey. With the head of flame and scales calculating and unpredictable, Ready to strike and always to keep you on edge. And my heart of ice and gold blinding you with its beauty, while slowing killing you with its burning ice
I have loved you since We were young. barely old enough to even understand what love even was. the feeling of pure and utter devotion I had felt for you before I fully realized How much love would ruin me. How much it would kill me Tearing me apart, never letting me go Stealing away my heart, never giving it back
You tell me to SPEAK UP. To be "proud of my words" Let them out into the world. Stand behind them, ready to defend them with my life. And my entire being and soul
but how am I supposed to be "proud" of my words when I haven't even learned how to be proud of my self
how am I supposed to be "proud" Of these words I say. When I've learned that they don't even matter They get shot down and ignored. Before they even got the chance to be spoken.
How am I supposed to be "proud" when I've seen how you react To the thoughts, I've put out. Putting my heart and soul into them and then getting to watch you kill them
Take me to the sea. Where the air is crisp, and the smell of salt clings to it. Where the winds pull in the sound of the waves to the shore where I can finally hear them calling my name begging me to join them begging me to follow them into the deepest depths
Take me to the cliffs. where I can see the whole world in front of me with the deep sapphire sea stretching out to the horizon where it finally ends on the cliffs where the winds whip around me whispering those words of encouragement beckoning me to the edge telling me to take those last few steps To let those jagged rocks at the bottom welcome me home.
Take me to the forest. Where the trees swallow all the light leaving only the darkness to call my name inviting me to explore The air seems to be alive, swirling around me. Calling to me telling me to rest coaxing me to let the darkness and all the creatures in To let them devour me, control me. To guide me and welcome me home
I can still feel your fingers drifting down my skin as I still sit here after what seems like hours later they crawl down my neck, and back up my arms, through my hair. While your words, echo in through my ears with subtle warnings and orders no to be crossed.
To the little girl, I used to be do you remember all those nights when you would stay awake Thinking and dreaming up all those far away hopes and dreams You would stare up at the ceiling planning out how you would do it all
All those late nights Planning on how you would save the day Becoming that perfect superhero Swooping in to rescue everyone, Saving all the kittens from trees, Putting out fires Freeing your family from that living nightmare they would never wake from
Remember all those promises you would use to make Between you and the world outside that shitty apartment window Telling yourself it would get better, rehearsing it so much it was branded in your heart and brain Telling yourself those thoughts would go away That you could wake up And be the perfect daughter You would wake up and be a girl and believe it Your body would no longer feel so wrong
Spending all those nights and early mornings Praying to that god you were so hopelessly clinging to Begging him to make it all make sense Those thoughts stuck circling in your head All the worries and fears that had kept piling up Tangling themselves together
What would you think of me now if you saw who you became Would you be proud? Proud that I finally found myself That I had finally realized who I was Would you be happy? Happy that I had made it this far, Being able to finally make it to sixteen, even though you didn’t?
I guess you had been right when you thought you wouldn’t make it For me to make it, you had to die That I had to kill everything that you were Stealing away your name Cutting off those long curly locks, everyone had adored scarring that beautiful skin, that used to be your pride and joy
Mama, don’t you know your little baby is sitting in their room? Crying their eyes out screaming for help Screaming for you to help them Begging for you to love them for who they are
Mama, can’t you see the way they're pleading? How their pleading for you to love them For you to finally tell them they're good enough For you to please noticed this once how much they need you.
Mama, do you ignore the blank stares and the emptiness? The way they wear barcodes on their body How no matter how much they try, they can't get you to love them
Mama, do you ignore all the blood and tears? Pretending you don't hear them crying out at night Acting like you don't notice the blood and bandages.
Mama do you spend your days looking for new ways to hurt them? You filled their heart with all your spite and hatred. Poisoning your little baby before they had a chance to grow Making them believe they were a weed Never let them be able to believe in anything else.
Smoke flows from my cracked and bloody lips the dingy bathroom lights flicker above me a low buzz echos through the room my reflection stares back at me a sly smirk gracing its lips I can almost hear its laugh echoing in my head. The cold porcelain of the sink pulsing against the rising heat of my hands dirt and grime caked on to the counter and mirror the buzzing of the lights mixes with the pounding of my head Voices and conversations outside the door seem to grow in volume. pounding against my eardrums All the noise seems to be surrounding me. Building up and building up my reflections laughter ringing in my ears the lights buzzing and flickering The mirror starts cracking. Sounds of glass falling and shattering mix with the symphony of noise The class finally shatters falling all around me. Knocking on the door starts. The pounding and shaking of the door mixes with the calls of my name It sounds like I'm underwater. The door and the voice feeling so far away while I'm sinking farther down in my head finally, I snap back I'm in the bathroom. the mirrors still intact no longer shattered lights buzzing no longer deafening My fingers loosen their grip on the sink. The reflection no longer laughing and taunting My legs start working. Uprooting themselves from the floor the sound of my footsteps echo against the walls
You call me an attention whore. Only because my heart screams out for any type of love something you never gave look me in the eyes. And tell me. "I'm always craving attention." All I could do was Laugh. what you call craving attention I call a cry for help. Haven't you noticed that? You never taught me. how to ask for help
my anger is a cigarette with every hit, it pulls me in the rage fills my lungs like smoke killing me a little each time disdain exhaling like smoke disgust clinging like the smell of stale cigarette contempt lingers in my mouth and on my tongue like the bitterness of menthol repulsion circling around the air, smothering those around me like the smoke
The girl craved depravity. She loved it in her twisted way. Loved how it made her feel The way it felt as the darkness consumed her. How it crept through her veins stealing its way into her heart making it's self its own little home inside her heart. Whispering their tales of the demented and cursed screaming the depths of its madness into her heart. Corrupting her, molding her, stealing her Twisting her into a demented shell of her once pure self.
Darling, I see your eyes sparkle with the light of a thousand stars They shine light in my darkest night. Darling, I see the gold in your veins It glows with the ichor of our old gods. Dripping down your fingertips From the gashes, you made into them. Darling, I see the night sky in your hair the way it shines and moves with the utter darkness of the stars darling, I see the sea in your mind the way your mood changes like the tides You rage like the sea. And you hold your desire like the sea holds the creatures.
Take my lungs. watch me as I slowly. Gasp for breath. Have me begging for air. while I slowly start to suffocate my lungs start to cave
Take my bones. replace them with glass. watch me as I shatter and break. look at the crystal stained crimson step on me while I'm already breaking listen to the music of my whimpers of pain, mixing with the sound of shattering glass