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Why Am I Like This - Blog Posts
k so hi erm sorry for the long wait for posting things but uh i've had this question
this came to me during a sleep deprivation, don't ask me for an explanation i have nothing
Y' know that feeling where you don't know where your phone is & you start panicking trying to figure out where you lost it. My dumbass stops for a minute, checks the pockets then realized it was in my hand the whole time.
Playing around with colors. I see a giant robot and I immediately want to gib him a lil kiss. I would definitely end up crushed irl. 🫠
I had such high hopes for how much I would write this week.
But then I discovered Look Outside and put like 15 hours into that instead.
And my first Rarepair week fic ballooned out of my control.
Life amirite
Hi I love tf2 and I made this video @evan-the-pastelprince had this idea,,
Hi why did I make this
me: maybe i'm not complete trash
me: *scrolls through otp tags for hours*
me: huh, looks like i am complete trash after all
i think i died
not sure tho
have a lilbig guy just in case
SLOW YO REINS DOWN THIS WAS OVERNIGHT
um the uh er
idk what to say
what happened
Hey, so it's me again, I absolutely loved the Teddy fic you just wrote, it was sooo good! Great job! Anyway, you totally do not have to, I just get a lot of prompt ideas and I don't see a lot of writers writing for Teddy so I just wanted to request another, it's pretty similar, but Teddy is a kid and he wakes up sick in the middle of the night and his dad is the one to take care of him. It's a little different but I feel like we don't see much regarding his relationship with his dad and I feel like it would be a really sweet one. No pressure, if you're not up to it you don't have to but I just wanted to send the prompt. :)
Family First
"You'll live forever, right? You won't ever leave...?"
[Platonic Son Teddy X Father Doug Pierce]
Word Count: 0.8K
Warnings: Fluffy, Angsty (cuz we know what happens in the film), Mentions of vomit, Vomiting (somewhat detailed), Crying, Mentions of death, and sorta Foreshadowing into the details of the movie.
I do not write like this at all, but I am willing to try it! I normally do only Xreaders, but I step out of my comfort zone every once in a while. So for you I'll try! We don't know much about his father so it will most likely be OCCish. BUT I tried so yeah please don't EVER stop sending requests. It's like the only reason I have been writing recently so thank you! But anyway, enjoy my efforts.
It had only been a few days since Teddy's first break of his kindergarten year. That was his first time being a "big boy," and he was loving it! He got to play all day, they learned some stuff, but they got to go outside and play and play inside too. He loved the trucks, and he told all his friends his dad had one of the firetrucks, and he got to go in one. A small bluff, but his dad said when he was older, he could go in one, he just had to wait a bit. Sadly, the first day of Christmas break he woke up in the middle of the night, with a strange feeling in his tummy. He knew that feeling. He had the feeling before. Many times, before, anytime he had something his father told him not to eat.
He tried to make it to the bathroom, like his mother told him. Really, he did, but he couldn’t stop it. He managed to crawl out of bed and open the door on his tip toes. He walked down the hall towards his mommy and daddy’s room and the bathroom. He couldn’t hold it. The back of his throat burned as he gagged. The late-night chocolate milk he had before bed spilled out of his mouth. The brown liquid is chunky and disgusting. A person could only wish it had the same delightful taste coming up. The brown liquid chunks hit the carpeted hallway with a soft plop. After a quiet moment, he finished up. Tears welled in the small boys' eyes. Climbing over the puddle of brown liquid chunks, he tiptoes over to his father’s room. His mother was out at work. She had kissed him goodbye, now it was only his father laying in the huge bed.
He stood in the doorway for a bit, just standing there. His arms to his side, the small light in the bathroom shone into the room. His father groaned. Sitting up slightly, to see his son, Teddy, just standing in the doorway. He looked guilty. His eyes had tears, and the poor boy was barely holding back. What had happened? So, Doug sat up, “What’s wrong, buddy?” He asks worriedly. He didn’t know what happened but if he was so upset, it had to have been something bad. Teddy started crying before crawling onto the bed, staying at the end. “I- i threw up,” he slurred a bit; his speech and vocabulary were very good at his age. But he still couldn’t say some words correctly. He had been in speech for a while, though.
“Buddy, come here," his father said, pulling him onto his lap and comforting the poor boy. "It’s not your fault, ok? I’ll go clean it up. You just stay here.” Teddy didn't want to sit there. He felt bad. The boy was waking his father up before the clock on the timer said 6, something his parents had told him ever since he got his big boy bed. He didn't follow the rule. He always followed the rules, thats how everyone has a fun time. At least thats what Mrs. Baker, his kindergarder teacher, says. Still babbiling through tears his father set him on the bed. As he stood up and walked out of the bedroom to the bright light of the hallway.
After what felt like forever, Doug came back. His large frame was in the doorway of his room as he walked in slowly, believing that Teddy was asleep. He was, in fact, not. His tiny frame was on his father's warm spot on the bed. "Daddy..." Teddy spoke up softly, like he was scared he would get scolded. Doug would never. Never ever in millions of years would such. Well, maybe if he stole a car or something, he would never. He sat on the other side of the bed, sliding over the covers over his body as he tucked in the small child beside him. "Yes, teddy bear?" A long silence followed. One that was too long. Uncomfortably long. "You'll live forever, right? You won't ever leave me?" His heart broke for his baby boy. What happened to make him believe that? Yes, firefighting was dangerous, but he would always make sure to get out. For Teddy. For his family.
"Teddy bear, I'll always be here for you. Always. You have nothing to worry about. Let's just sleep. I'll make your favorite pancakes in the morning." That made the little boy smile. After some thought, that was faked. That kid would do anything for those famous pancakes. His mom never cared to learn to make them. Doug was always there. "With chocolate milk." He laughed. "Yes, with chocolate milk." There was only a while notice before that small Teddy fell asleep. The darkness of the room blended with his falling eyelids. Dreams filled with those sweet pancakes.
Sorry, it took so long, I just have like no motivation. Not to mention the erm English essay that I had due that I was supposed to be working on last time I posted. This was rushed, and I hate it, but whatever. It's so sad to think his dad died after he told little Teddy those words. That's why I made him say them.
Why do I do this
Ok so I have Instagram and sometimes I post pictures of my self on there. EVERY TIME I DO THAT I GET SOME PERV TEXTING ME. so moral of the story. Don't do what I do
you could call me “ a pretty dumb cumdump” and i’d be like awww you think i’m pretty?🥺 thank uuu :D!
TW
When you st@rv3 y0urs3lf so much to the point it hurts to 3at when forced tooo>>>>>
i need more friends
I have a self-destructive need to fall deeply in love with every insecure, depressed, or lonely boy in my vicinity; send help!!!
I dont know what I'm doing, so heres something...
Also cats out the bag that I like Grimm x PK, so uh, yeah, roast me if you wanna cuz I cant think of a reason I like it atm, but I also absolutely love PK x WL and I like that Lurien is his biggest simp lol. So yeah. Uh.
This is stupid, this is all stupid. I wanna leave, it's all so complicated.
I just want to grab the fellowship and burrito wrap them in blankets and keep them safe and far away from giant flaming eyes. like they’re my baby's and don’t deserve all the trauma they got.
Me: People keep drawing Steven all angsty and sad so I’ll draw him doing something that always makes me happy. Listening to Steam Powered Giraffe
Also me: * Remembers Wired Wrong exists *
I fucking hate tiktok. I genuinely thought "unalive" was a real word ALL THIS TIME because english isn`t my first language. What the hell
Okay, but imagine this: Eddie feelings realization brought about through another lookalike/doppelganger storyline. I know this sounds out-there, but considering the whole Shannon/Kim storyline was an actual thing that existed in the show— and we know how much the writers love doing parallels and they've been doing some very fanfiction-esque stoylines with 8b— I don't think this is completely outside the realm of possibility so stay with me on this completely ridiculous stream of thought for a bit.
Now I was not and am still not really a fan of the whole Shannon/Kim doppelganger storyline but I think if they did it again in a very specific way with a Buck doppelganger it would be so interesting. With the Shannon/Kim doppelganger, the importance of it is for Eddie to finally get closure for himself. To say the things he never got a chance to say to her so he could move on from that relationship. I think a Buck doppelganger can also be used as a way for Eddie to say all the things he couldn't say to Buck before he left. Only, this doesn't serve the purpose of Eddie finding closure and moving on, but as a catalyst for him realizing the full extent of his feelings.
In the present day, Eddie finds himself back in his hometown— a place he tried so hard to run away from— to be there for his son. He built an entire life for himself back in LA and now he's gonna have to start all over again. So he puts himself out there, attempting to meet new people and make new friends. In the process, he ends up meeting a man who looks and sounds a little too much like his best friend. And he knows it's a bad idea; he has had to live with the reality of just how bad an idea this is for months following what happened with Kim. But he misses his best friend so bad. Sure, they talk and do video calls to stay in touch, but it's not the same. He's not there with him in El Paso being a consistent presence in his life, and he feels so lonely without that presence. So he befriends this Buck doppelganger. They hit it off and start to spend more and more time together, and eventually, either Eddie decides to come clean or Buck's doppelganger finds out about his resemblance to Eddie's best friend, prompting Eddie to explain the whole situation and apologize for lying.
Maybe at this point, his Buck had already gone through his 8x11 storyline. He's already been confronted with the idea that his feelings for Eddie aren't platonic, and he's doing everything to push that train of thought aside. He can't entertain the idea that he is in love with his straight best friend, as he likes to say. He needs to distance himself from whatever feelings might be there. Which also includes distancing himself from Eddie. He doesn't answer his calls as much, doesn't make an effort to reach out, finds other distractions so he has an excuse for why he wasn't available to talk, etc. And it's driving Eddie crazy. He's never felt so disconnected from Buck, and it's starting to have an effect on his ability to function at this point.
So when Eddie tells him all this and Buck's doppelganger asks him what he would say to him right now if he could, Eddie throws all caution to the wind.
He says all the things he's been wanting to say, even the things he didn't know he wanted to say. He tells him how sorry he is for leaving. That he knows how deep Buck's abandonment issues run and how painful it is to have another person in his life leave him. How much he would give to have been able to stay and spare him that hurt. Hell, the thought of asking Buck to leave with him had even crossed his mind more than once, but how could he ever ask that of him? Los Angeles was his home. The 118 were his family. He built a stable foundation for himself that he'd never had throughout most of his life. Eddie wasn't going to be the one to take a wrecking ball to that stable foundation. As much as Eddie would like to be, he isn't worthy of that kind of consideration. Who would throw their entire life away to be with him? He would never ask him to make that choice. Just as he knows Buck was never asking Eddie to make a choice between him and Chris. But Eddie felt like that was what he was doing at the time— making a choice between what he wanted and what was best for his son. A choice had to be made whether he liked it or not, and he would always choose his son. But, if pressed on it, he would have to admit that if the choice were between Buck and anyone else? Buck would win every single time. He would say that he missed him and he wanted him to be a constant in his life again, in both their lives again. That the distance being put between them, both literal and figurative, was killing him.
And as he's listening to this— to his newfound friend pouring his heart out to him like he's his best friend— Buck's doppelganger makes the realization that everyone else in their lives has, waits for Eddie to finish what he has to say, and says to him:
"Wow. You must really love him."
And that is the moment. Eddie hears those words, processes them, thinks about everything he just said, everything they had been through together, and realizes.
Oh.
That's what this thing between them has been. That's what all this heartache and loneliness and panic he's been experiencing in the last few weeks has been about.
"Yeah, I do."
And this realization does not just magically fix everything. It's a starting point. He still has to work through what happened with Chris, and this revelation may be a central point to helping him get there. Because it forces him to examine everything about his life up to this point. His relationship with Buck, his relationship with his family, his relationship with Shannon, his relationships with women and his sexuality in general, and his relationship with religion. And once he does all of that, he can make the decision to choose something different, for himself and for Chris. They can reconcile. They can move back to LA, back to their found family with the 118 and Buck. He can love his best friend and choose to make him a part of their family.
I also like the idea of doing a parallel between Shannon and Buck as love interests for Eddie because I do think their relationships share similarities despite all of their differences.
Despite the fact that I do absolutely think Eddie loved Shannon, I do not think he was ever really in love with her. He had a genuine care and love for her, yes, but so much of that care and love was tied up in her relationship to him as the mother of his child, not just as his wife. Her relationship with Eddie will always be a part of who he is, undoubtedly. She was a friend to him, someone he loved, the first person he was ever intimate with, his wife, and the mother of his son. She played so many important roles in his life, and she can be all of those things and still not be the love of his life, nor even someone he necessarily loved in a romantic sense at all. Because they were still just kids when they got together and had Chris. They were still trying to figure out who they were and what they wanted to do with their lives when they got pregnant and rushed into marriage and parenthood. All the decisions that followed that were messy and difficult and their relationship shifted completely overnight. Would they have ever gotten married if they didn't have Christopher? My guess is probably not, but we'll never know for sure. When Kim says to Eddie "I guess she was the love of your life," he doesn't say, "she was," he says, "I think she was." He knows he loved her, but he is unsure if she was ever "the one". In hindsight, I think he looks back on their relationship with rose-colored glasses a lot of the time. He talks about how they were together as if the glimpses we saw of them constantly fighting and leaving each other and avoiding big conversations never happened or weren't as prevalent. They did love each other, but they did not love each other in the ways that either one of them deserved.
Compare that with Eddie's relationship with Buck, and I would argue he has played all of these same roles in Eddie's life that Shannon did, but in a much more harmonious and stable way. He's also the only other character to take on all of these roles in Eddie's life to the extent that he does. They are best friends, they love each other, Buck has become a parental figure of sorts for Chris and would legally be his guardian if anything happened to Eddie, and he has a closeness with Eddie and has done things for him/with him that romantic partners often do. Despite their rocky beginning, they became fast and inseparable friends. They've had each other's backs through nearly every single trial and tribulation that they've faced for the past 7 years. Buck seamlessly fit into both Eddie and Chris' lives as well, all three of them spending so much quality time together. They have been mistaken for a couple before. Buck heard that Eddie was struggling with childcare for Chris and provided a solution without needing to be asked. He helped Eddie find a solution to accommodate Chris' disability when he wanted to try skateboarding. He fought like hell to try to keep Chris safe when the tsunami hit. Whenever they've had major accidents/NDE's in the line of work, they are always each other's primary concern. Eddie made the decision on his own to change his will to make Buck Christopher's legal guardian if anything happened to him, and he is unwavering in his conviction that he would be the only other person besides himself that would fight like hell to make sure Chris has everything he wants and needs. Which could mean nothing, but as a single dad, Eddie's main concern when it comes to dating and marriage has to be how it will affect his son; what kind of parent would the other person be to him? Buck was there for Chris when Eddie got shot. He was the first person Chris ran to when he was angry with Eddie. He was there for both of them when Eddie went through his breakdown. He was there for Eddie when Chris decided to leave. He offered to help Eddie find a new place to live in El Paso. He was present for nearly every showing of his place to find a subletter— this one is actually ridiculous, like there's no way those folks didn't think they were together. And the big one, he chose to give up his apartment to sublease Eddie's house so that Eddie could leave without worrying about expenses. The entire episode we see him struggle with and unintentionally sabotage Eddie's move. The last thing he wants is for another person to leave him, but he willingly and happily put what Eddie and Chris needed over what he wanted in the end. It is one of the most selfless and loving things he could do and he did it.
One of the key similarities that I've noticed between Eddie's relationships with Shannon and Buck is what they get into their most heated arguments about. In both of these relationships, the big fights that each pair has centers around the other person leaving and how that effects them and Chris. Yes, Buck ready has pre-established abandonment issues, but Eddie's issues with other people leaving really only come up in the context of his romantic partners and how them leaving will affect his son. For Eddie and Shannon, it was Eddie running away from his responsibilities as a husband and father twice by enlisting in the army and Shannon doing the same once he came back into their lives. When she attempts to re-enter their lives, the main point of contention is whether or not she'll even stay if Eddie allows her back in. Ultimately, she does decide to leave once she's back in their lives, if only temporarily, to find out who she is as a person independent of her role as a wife and mother when she realizes she's not ready, and I don't blame her for that. But then she dies and that loss is permanent. Eddie doesn't get closure until he meets Kim and gets to say how he feels. How hurt he is that Shannon left seemingly without any consideration for him. She left a note for their son, but left nothing for him and that is devastating. His first major fight with Buck is over the lawsuit. All three of them are forced into a situation where they cannot be in contact because of Buck's decisions, and their confrontation over it is one of the few times we see Eddie so visibly upset. It's not exactly a "leaving" situation per se, but the outcome is similar. Eddie cannot contact his best friend for help, with his own personal issues and with what's going on with Chris. They both miss him; it feels like he left them and Buck made the choice to put them in that position when he didn't have to. The second time they have a big fight, it's over Eddie leaving. More specifically, over Eddie's perceived lack of care about Buck's feelings on the matter. And I say perceived because he obviously does care, it does matter to him that he's leaving his best friend behind. But he can't fully acknowledge to what extent he does and he won't allow himself to because his feelings come secondary to what he thinks he needs to do as a father. I feel I should also note that despite Buck's abandonment issues, it is so telling how he acts in response to Eddie leaving vs how the rest of the 118 act. They all consider Eddie family just as much as Buck, but the degree to which he's crashing out over it would suggest to me that there's more to their relationship than they realize. The proposed scenario with the Buck doppelganger is meant to be the moment where he finally allows himself to be fully, completely honest with himself about what he feels, what he wouldn't say. And in the aftermath, he has to reckon with what that means for him, for Chris, and his relationship with Buck.
Another things of note when it comes to Eddie's relationships: Every time we see Eddie in a relationship with a woman, we often see him run away from it or sabotage the relationship when things start to get more serious. They never work out because there is always something wrong on his end. By contrast, Buck and Eddie are both actively struggling with Eddie leaving. Neither one of them wants him to leave and that is apparent with the shift we see in their behavior. Idk maybe we'll get a gay Eddie storyline. To me it seems like the most logical endpoint for his character. I mean, the guy literally said that he feels like he needs to "perform" when he's out on dates with women... Plus, Tommy did essentially imply that he clocked him in the most recent episode and if there's anyone I'm gonna trust to know he isn't straight, it's the openly gay man who also repressed his feelings for men for decades and almost married a woman.
Tldr; all this to say, Shannon was Eddie's first love and Buck will be his last.
Do I think any of this is actually gonna happen in the show? No, I highly doubt it. But it was a fun little thought experiment about how I think this scenario would play out. I know this is ridiculously long, so if you read to the end, thank you!
Help someone knock me off haven’t slept in the last 23hrs and I stupidly drank coffee at this time of the day (9:48pm)
Is it just me, or is there something completely deranged about finding a fic so good it fundamentally alters your brain chemistry, only to realize it has spawned an entire fandom multiverse of inspired works?
And then those fics have their own inspo chains, and suddenly there are thirty variations of the same concept, spiraling outward like some kind of chaotic, beautifully unhinged literary hydra, and now I’m just sitting here at 3 AM, eyes bloodshot, vibrating with indecision because where do I even start?
Do I go in order of influence like some kind of academic scholar? Do I pick at random and hope for the best? Do I chase the one that promises the most emotional devastation because apparently, I don’t value my own well-being?
Or do I just sit here, staring at my screen, paralyzed, because every time I try to choose, I remember there are more of them, and they keep multiplying? And let’s not even talk about the comments section, where people are linking even more fics in an ever-expanding rabbit hole of shared brainrot.
And the worst (best?) part? I know I’m not going to stop. I can’t stop. Who needs sleep when I could be reading just one more fic that’s technically the same idea I’ve already read twenty times but slightly different? My body is running on pure hyperfixation and maybe half a cup of cold coffee I forgot about six hours ago. I am too deep in this, and I don’t even want to leave.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Woop woop art dump :v w/ oc's
For anyone who cares enough to read:
These are Ezekiel and Azazel, an angel and a demon respectively. I don't know how exactly I got the idea, but I got that somehow at some point. Maybe because I combined some of my fav ship dynamics like angel×demon, polar opposites, soft boy×bad boy. BUT!!-
The main story is just about, Ezekiel was just watching over one part of humanity at some point in the past and Azazel wanted to mess with him. Soon it became clear that they both can't quite stand eachother. Like, at all. This "I don't like you" soon became a toxic rivalry, and before they knew it they absolutely despised eachother to the very core of their being, which in turn would lead to them just wanting the other dead by solemnly their own hands. Even going so far as to threaten their own fellows(Ezekiel other angels/Azazel other+higher demons), if they were to harm the other because it had to be them, to feel the pleasure to destroy the other. But of course, it doesn't last long...
Due to these actions (which sometimes stepped over "just threatening") and the fact that both have been caught using their powers on earth just to fight each other. . . Yea, they were getting punished. Both were demoted to having to life a Human life, until they'd learn their lesson. And ooooohhhhh booooy..... That's a journey- though I have to admit that they do end up getting along fairly well. Well- as good as you can with your archenemies.
So basically: good omens, but they **actually** actually loathe each other from the beginning. Lol.