I'm So Miserable All The Time. Being Alone, Just In My Room Used To Be My Fun Time, My Comfort Time,

My life has suddenly become so empty. It was empty before, but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it.

Nothing interests me, i can barely even malasaptive daydream anymore, not even scrolling on media is unappealing most of the time. I do nothing other than binging and fantazising about him and suicide, both things I year for so much but can't have. Both fantazises so unfilling.

Tomorrow I'll have to go to the staff manager at my summer job and look over my contract. I should ask for more pay than last summer but idk how ughhh.

And then day after that I'll actually have ti go to work. In theory it's not that bad, but just the idea of it fills me with unlimited tread.

Gotta hate it when the hunger gets so suffocating you just start to dryly sob.

Just returned from an 5 hours walk. Every sounds makes me want to hurt myself. My parents just existing next room is torture. I wish to binge or blow my brains out, preferably both. Sadly I can't do either.

I wish they stopped talking, but I also feel so quilty that them just existing makes me so irritated and triggered. I wish I couldn't hear or feel anything at the moment.

Gotta love it when the shift you kinda didn't wanna do turns out to go along well, even being enjoyable.

I cant stop thinking about it.

I've just thought it even worse for myself. My dad has multiple of his teeth missing bcs his teeth got fucked up from uncorrect corrections in his teens and i can tell it bothers him. The way he holds his mouth has changed, he tries to hide his teeth when speaking and smiling. And it prevents him from socializing, he used to be so much more sociable when I was little.

And im not scared for the socialization part because I will become a self isolated loser anyways, but now I'm fearing my teeth falling out just like his because I couldn't take basic care of myself. It pains me.

Because of my constant eating during binges and times where i simply was overeating my tooth enamel is completely damaged. And that can nor will never be restored.

My dentist straight up told me I have damaged it already so from now on if I don't stick with very strict, regular meals my teeth will be easily and quickly rittled with holes. But if I haven't been able to do that so far, no matter what. So now I'll just have teeth full of holes, feel constant pain and spend god knows how much trying to keep fixing em to escape atleast some of the pain. Just rip all my teeth out so I could not ruin them further and not chew at all.

I'm just feel sad and devastated. That shit by the age of 19. And for what? Nothing positive or anyhting of resemblance to even show for the years of straight up food addiction.

I wish I could just approach him. I wish faith would someone make us cross roads. I wish I knew what he likes in a girl so I could know how to be around him. I wish I could just have an excuse to talk to him, so I could look at his face freely.

I really wanna get on medicine. Wanna get a diagnosis incase I have something. But I don't have the balls or strength to actually go.

Mostly I don't wanna go cause it's embarrassing if there is nothing wrong with me. Wasting their time and seeming self diagnosing and dramatic. I am not having a breakdown almost everyday anymore, so it feels like I'm too mentally well and stable to go. But thats also what I thought when I did have breakdowns very often.

But perhaps my hesitance to go just shows that things ain't that bad at all. Just gotta make sure I don't get bored for even a second or I'll get suicidal.

I hate how my ridiculous obsession with him makes me feel such hatred towards a girl that has done nothing to me. My eyes glazed over her and my mind started automatically fantasizing about killing her. Seeing the fear in her eyes. Even when it wont being me closer to him a part of me would see it as a win, I hate that.

I wish I was loved