(Art Is By The Amazing @dahtwitchi. This Is A Freeform Collab With No Real Goal)

The absolute BEST Harry Potter fanfic I have ever read in my LIFE is "Harry Potter and the Lack of Lamb Sauce".

It has Chef Gordan Ramsey (Hufflepuff) coming to Hogwarts to be Potions Master in Harry's 6th year. It sounds like it should be a silly crack fic but I swear to you on my love of stories that this shit will have you hooked.

If you ever loved the Harry Potter series and felt betrayed by J. K. Rowling's words and actions, please read this fic. It reminded me so much of WHY I found such comfort in Harry Potter. It brought me back to staying up late on school nights and talking with my friends. It brought me back to being young and learning friendship lessons from fictional books. It brought back screaming in rage into a pillow, and tears at 2am, and the deep grief that comes from having loved a person, real or not, so much.

I revisit this fic about once a year. It's intense. It's wonderful. I just felt the need today to scream that adoration into the Tumblr void; maybe it can help somebody else.

Two things I think are important to acknowledge about children and young teen lit

1) What they do well in the sense of literature/craft (usually it’s pacing, hooks, interesting characters)

2) What areas are sacrificed to make them different from adult literature and consumable by children (usually it’s elaborate prose and certain complex topics or character traits)

I think I've been reading Bernard's name with the wrong pronunciation for years. I didn't watch many shows and I haven't played the games so I haven't actually heard the canon pronunciation of Bernard and now I'm having a light existential crisis.

Because the second way is how it's pronounced in my region and the first way makes me think of Bianca from The Rescuers.

Headcannon that Jason got the headstone from his grave and put it above his bed because it says 'Here lies Jason Todd' (he broke off the good soldier bit ofc) and thinks it's the funniest thing ever, some of the family, of course, are horrified.

Dick, at Jason's before they go out on patrol: Hey Jaybird, make sure to bring a spare respir--WHAT THE HELL?!?

Dick, looking frantically between Jason and the headstone: this is clearly a threat. Somebody knows your identity. I swear to GOD when I find who did this--

Jason, looking up from his phone comepletely unbothered: oh yeah, about that

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Bonus:

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Tim, climbing through Jasons bedroom window: Hey, its me, dont shoot. Do you have a first aid kit here right?

Jason, getting up from where he was reading in bed: ugh yeah sure, one sec

Jason, proceeds to grab a sticky note saying 'DOES NOT' and jabs it onto the headstone so it reads 'Here DOES NOT lie Jason Todd':

Tim:

Tim: okay that's funny

(Art is by the amazing @dahtwitchi. This is a freeform collab with no real goal)

SugarTobi laughs under his breath as he immediately obeys the order when his elder self grabs his wrist, stilling his hand. The eldest Madara calls him a good boy and he almost falls then and there from sheer habit. He swallows thickly, tries to turn his attention back to his other selves, "Right..." He moves his hand from gvTobi's cock and instead begins to gently rub over the man's muscled stomach.

The youngest Tobi is shaking, whimpering slightly as he obediently swallows the fingers and...oh-! He gags slightly, but this is the farthest he's ever..."Good boy," SugarTobi whispers to him, and the youngest opens his eyes slightly, stares at gvTobi with complete devotion. (His head is so, so quiet like this. He only has to obey and nothing more, he doesn't have to listen to the ever present buzzing of his own thoughts)

gvTobi is doing marvelous with the youngest of them. SugarMadara purrs at his older self's hands in his hair, and there is a sharp sense of pride as he sees his Tobi struggling to avoid sinking into his own state of bliss. "Such a good boy; he's trying so hard. Yours is a natural at this. Has he ever put you under?" Personally, SugarMadara has only gotten an approximation of what the complete sense of trust feels like. He and Tobi had tried a few times, but nothing had ever clicked for him.

"He truly could be a remarkable dom." SugarMadara murmurs to himself, very much hoping both Tobis from his world will be inspired by the display of easy confidence. He shivers at the pleasant sensation as the oldest Madara tugs his hair again, asking about his own abilities. SugarMadara grins at the challenge. "I think you will find that we are both exceptionally talented in the oral arts. Are you asking for a demonstration?"

He seems to pay no attention to the fact that his younger self is dipping lower into his trousers, his smooth leather gloves teasing their way to his erection. The younger Madara might have a bit more issue with deepthroating fingers, but he would learn quickly.

Speaking of learning, SugarMadara turns his attention back to the Tobis as the youngest there makes a garbled noise of bliss. He watches carefully, ready to step in if needed.

The fingers press in again, going further. The youngest Tobi grips the other's wrist with both hands as if it's the only thing keeping him standing as he takes it all and then...He isn't sure what it was, but something tips him over the edge. He starts choking messily, forgetting to breath properly as his orgasm hits him, tears reflexively forming as he gags.

Okay, getting my Asexual-spectrum Batman brainrot in some sort of order, everything is subject to being updated.

This turned out long and rambling, just the way I like it.

My main inspiration for this is a scene from the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy, where Bruce and Alfred are discussing how to reintroduce Bruce into Gotham society. It's been awhile since I saw the film but I'm pretty sure Bruce looks at Alfred and is like, "So, what do young billionaires do that would explain vigilante injuries?" And then the scene cuts to Bruce and two foreign models swimming in a fountain at a fancy restaurant. And I'm like.

Fucking. Alfred. Suggested the himbo thing? Was this a passive-aggressive punishment for fucking off for years that went on for too long?

(I love my main man Mr. Pennyworth, I will meme that he's a saint. In reality, I think he's part of the reason the Robins keep having a terrible time passing on the mantle. I can address my grievances in another post tho.)

So I'm there, thinking about Batman and Bruce and growing up in private schools. I'm in the process of unlearning some damaging information that I was taught as "truth" from my own school days. I'm thinking of Butler Alfred, and his position as caretaker, and how he was raised, and what he would think is appropriate counsel.

When Bruce is hitting puberty and writing love poems to the tune of BeeGees songs to girls in class, how would Alfred handle that? He'd surely have a perfunctory talk with his charge about respecting women, how to be a proper gentleman, safe sex, warnings about people who are out for Bruce's heart as a way to get to his status and fortune.

But would Alfred even think to cover queerness? He surely knows of it, but he's from a generation and culture that is known for stoicism and silence. The generation where one might know a pair of "confirmed bachelors" or "spinster sisters", but one does not mention it in polite company. Perhaps he would decide to have that talk if it ever seems to be necessary.

But would Bruce ever think to ask about why he isn't as interested in sex as seemingly all the people around him? Why wouldn't he chalk that up to his massive trauma and call himself mature for it? And a number of girls would love that maturity, that Ice Prince gentility, that challenge. So he'd learn how to be charming, how to flirt. It's applied psychology to Bruce, it's masking, it's learning how to act like a "normal" human.

It's easy for me to see him continue that trend in his adult life. He is romantic and he isn't sex-repulsed; he matches the flirtation energy of someone and if they both want to have sex, they do. It's kind of fun for him, too, to learn someone's body and use his to make them feel so good.

It's just that, sex is just a mutual workout? And he legitimately enjoys doing other things together equally or more, like actual workouts or sparring or casework. Bruce will initiate sex if he picks up his partner's cues, but by the time he's comfortable enough with them to relax... He's just not in clue-finding mode. So partners become understandably annoyed. Upset. They feel like they're the ones putting in all the effort to keep the relationship alive and Bruce doesn't have the knowledge or words to explain his position.

So yeah, there are jokes about Batman being easy, jokes about his history of romantic relationships with rogues, civilians, and heroes alike. He's just doing what he thought was normal. Flirting back, following the other person's lead, matching the energy. It frustrates him when he thinks about it, because it's just another way he's Different and Broken and Missing Something that the rest of the world seems to understand on a basic level.

(To be firm: Bruce Does Not Match the energy of everyone who flirts with him. He is an adult and has his own tastes. He's got Polite Flirting, Interested Flirting, and Gray Rocking down pat.)

I say he should call himself the Coot, just to be extra fucking petty about how many times he's had to deal with mind games and intellectual-type villains.

Also, they are occasional nest parasite water birds with red eyes and black heads who are known to starve their weaker cooties of they don't kill them outright. And they look like ducks but they aren't ducks.

Hmmm hero with a habit of late nights, with a cowl and black hair who lives(d) on a houseboat. One who is known for looking like someone he's not or having imposter syndrome in general.

I'm just sayin'!

"Tim's next hero name should be (insert basic ahh bird name)!"

Incorrect, I believe it should either be a reference to a detective novel or some really weird/ less heard of/ complicated bird name.

"The Babbler"

"Slaty Thrush"

"Night Owl" would actually be cool, ngl...

"Sunbird"

"Crake"

"Eagle Owl"

"Red Rumped Swallow"

"American Pipit"

"Azure Dollarbird"

"Blood Pheasant"

"Barking Owl"

I think you get it.

A little thing, a personal grievance, to throw into the void like a note in a bottle.

I know my family isn't perfect; no one's family is. I get that if I want a birthday party I have to arrange it myself. The thing is, I did arrange it, just a little one for family. I made the plans and set things up and... Well, I can't be mad that people came down with the flu. Sickness happens!

So we can postpone it. I'm used to that anyway - Mom and Dad are usually out of town on my birthday, or for several years my birthday was the same day or weekend of the Super Bowl. I'm used to skipping day-of celebrations. So I wait.

I try again some weeks later. Just a little thing for myself and my two siblings. I check in about availability, I let them know the day and time, they know the plan. I've got limited money and energy, but I'm spending it trying to get my family's attention on me like a true middle child.

The day comes, the time ticks by. My brother sends a text that he can't make it, he's burnt out from work. That's okay, that's fine. We'll do something together later! I check in with my sister, reminding her of the party. She says she's too busy today - she's cleaning her house.

I put everything away.

I drank alone for the first time in two years.

Slade Wilson makes me want to write an au where his son, Grant, joins/is adopted by/marries into the Batfamily during his teen rebel phase.

His codename is Wrenegade.

Wouldn't that be some shit? All this lethal potential and he's using it to be a martyr vigilante in the hellcity? Slade would have a coronary. Batman would be the most smug bitch. Grant would keep the orange-and-black just to flex on his shitty bio-dad.

He'd hang out with the Waynes and everyone "in the know" would know that Batman poached a kid from Deathstroke.

"Slade is a titans villain!" "Slade is a Batman villain!" Slade is his own fucking villain. Have you seen the bastard? He is the main component in wrecking his own life godbless.

(Art is by the amazing @dahtwitchi. This is a freeform collab with no real goal)

SugarMadara groans as his younger self licks over the head of his cock, mouthing it and sucking gently. He buries a hand in the man's hair, but his other grabs a handful of the eldest's mane, yanking his head to the side.

The danger is fantastic. A hand on his neck countered by his teeth on the other's throat.

"Mutually assured destruction, then. We can all stay right here, no one touches unless they're approached."

-

SugarTobi turns his head to catch gvTobi's fingers in his mouth. There might have been a garbled murmur of "my turn" before he begins showing his own talents. YoungTobi joins in for a bit before returning to leaving lazy hickies on his older self's neck, grinding himself slowly against the man's legs.

SugarTobi barely has the presence of mind to fetch the small tube of lubricant he's made a habit of carrying with him (he and his Madara tend to have stupid amounts of grinding sex and after that one time, he's made sure to stay prepared). He passes it to the eldest, pulling off from his fingers just long enough to mutter distantly "I'm gonna...'m falling, too. Fuck, whatever you want, I want to do, too..."