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My Life - Blog Posts
tfw you're not sure if you're excited for Christmas anymore
How I feel after putting my Spotify on Discord:
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Being a teenager with acne, braces, glasses, frizzy hair, flat chest, no hips or waist, slightly chubby and the list goes on and on just makes me realize that maybe I will never be pretty.
So
Since I was in fourth grade I needed glasses. I never told my parents until I was in third grade of highschool
Why I never told my parents? I DO NOT KNOW
I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL TO STRUGGLE TO SEE! ALL MY CLASSMATES SAID THEY ALSO STRUGGLED TO SEE AND I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS STRUGGLING TO SEE!
I THOUGHT SEEING LIKE THIS:
IT WAS NORMAL
...
Well
Turns out it's not normal
So I told my parents that I struggled to see UNTIL I WAS IN THIRD HIGH SCHOOL!!!
I mean, since I was in fourth grade I was about 8 years old and in third grade I was like 14!!!
I mean, my dumb ass didn't tell my parents that I had been struggling to see for YEARS!
Well, for personal reasons I couldn't have my glasses...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Until now
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Ready to see?
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Here we go...
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In 1
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GOOGLE DOODLES ARE VERY CUTE
Like, look at this!
(Instead of getting ready to go to school I was doing the puzzle haha)
I got this in the questionnaire! ↓
I am hydrogen 😭!
(I love chemistry)
My mommy gave me my favorite chocolates
So, Christmas is over 😭
BUT! I spent Christmas without being on my period! 🥳
But now 😀
BUT NOW I WILL SPEND NEW YEAR ON MY PERIOD 😭😭😭
I mean, my uterus said 'it's Christmas, let's not be so assholes with her' BUT TODAY! TODAY! ONE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! MY UTERUS SAID 'CHRISTMAS IS ALREADY PASSED, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PERIOD!'
So now I'll end this year with bloody lips
Fotos nada aestheics pero bue
My dad bought me popcorn and those fries that I love!
I DO NOT HAVE CLASSES ANYMORE! (I have online exams next week)
Right now there was a mock exam to see if it would let us access the website, etc.
It didn't let me 😭 The good thing is that I wasn't the only one, other classmates couldn't either 😿
Today I went to school only to return home after two hours 😒
So, today some classmates from my class were going to bring me cake from a party belonging to another classmate.
BUT
They didn't bring me shit! Now I'm upset because I wanted cake 😾
Fuck my classmates
Fire In These Hills
“Why are you like this ?”
I turn towards the voice.
“I don’t know. I never knew.” I sigh. “I guess I was always this way.” I hear them hum.
“But why ?”
I don’t know how to answer. Why am I the way I am ? That’s the question of my life. I’m insecure, I never know what I want, I don’t really understand other people. Yeah. I’m weird. And the worse ? I know that. And I know that people look at me weirdly because of it. But here I am. Still here, after 20 years of this.
“I don’t know.”
There’s no one with me. I know I’m imagining this voice. I know I’m trying to cope with everything going on in my life. I had to change everything. My friends. Where I live. How I live. So, I don’t have time to ask myself why. And yet, here we are. I’m imagining a voice to answer that very question. Right now, I just want to go back home, and let myself not think. Let myself be myself. But I can’t. I’m stuck here, and I’m sick. I can feel my body temperature rise. And I just want to go home…
“You must have a reason ?”
I sigh again. Do I ? Do I need a reason to be myself ? To be weird ? I don’t think so. But if I need to find one ? Well, I would say that it all came from my childhood. The way my parents treated me. Telling me they treated my brother and I the same way. What kind of bullshit is this ? Some big ones. They never treated us the same. Every time he’s sick, or hurt, or doesn’t like to do something ? Well, let strong and younger brother do the work, right ? Yeah well that only works for some time, before crumbling down.
“I told you. I don’t know.”
And that is true. I was always kind of like this. I could blame the ADHD, the autism. But in reality, I know it must actually be the anxiety.
“Are you sure ?”
I close my eyes. I know a part of it.
“I… I miss them. They’re not gone, but gone at the same time. They… They take so much out of me. I don’t know why, but they sometimes make me feel like I’m not worth it. That, maybe I’m not enough. Or maybe I’m too much. I put so much efforts. I put so much effort in everything. They know it. I feel so powerfully. And yet I am let yearning for scratch. Am I not worth a bit of effort ? Is our friendship this easily forgotten ?”
I start to feel my eyes water. There’s a fire in my soul now.
“Would you like more ?”
Would I like more ? I want more ! I need more ! I’m not just a kid who’s insecure now, I’m a young adult, constructing myself. I need my best friend around. Even if it’s just a few messages here and there. But I have to yearn for scratch. And I feel like I’m going to have enough of scratch.
“Of course I’d like more. I’d love more. I need more. But how could I be so selfish, right ?”
“I know.”
“I’m so tired. Can I please come home ?”
This feeling. I’m exhausted. But kind of in the good way. I am shaking like a leaf. Home. My home is the people I love. I feel at home with them.
“If you can. If they will let you.”
It’s true. I could come home to my friend. If they let me one day. If they open the door once more. I keep a sob. I won’t cry for something that might be nothing. I’m shaking so much. I can’t feel the world. I need my home. I need my friends. I know myself. I don’t trust myself.
But after everything you’re here with me still. Or at least I hope you’re still with me. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I feel like we’re growing farther apart, when you were once my rock. I feel like I’m not strong enough to just suck it up as usual. I need you. I need my friend. I need my best friend.
“So why do I feel like they’ve abandoned me ?”
“I cannot tell you.”
Right. ‘cause that’s just the little voice in my head making me go through my emotions. I take a deep breath, still shaking. My body is so full of emotions. I can’t handle them. I don’t know how to handle them. That’s why I need my friends. That’s why it hurts so deeply.
I feel like I might wreck this home. Do I really want to let go of all those years ? Fuck no. Am I ready to wreck this home ? Fuck no. Will I have to ? Maybe. And that’s what hurts the most !
“I really just want to come home. I really just want to go home. But right now, I don’t know where home is.”
“You’ll find home where you need it.”
I know that. But I don’t want to. I want the comfort of my home. I want the comfort that my friend still wants to talk to me. I want the comfort I felt younger. I want the innocence of those quiet moments. I want to feel that again. Is that to much to ask for ? Am I really worth all that ? Everyone tells me that, yes I do. But am I strong enough to believe them ?
“I don’t think that I’m strong enough.”
“You’ll find the strength to face it. You’ve faced much more.”
Maybe. But maybe that’s my limit. Is it ? I don’t even know if I hope it is. I just want to come home. I think I’ve lost the will.
I've been sitting here thinking about my life, and I've come to this conclusion:
I have no time for art lately, meaning I can't even find time for college assignments at all due to work and treatment.
I have a session and I'm in a huge hole of debt because I'm constantly working and getting up bright and early to go to the other side of town to the hospital for shots and IVs, after which I feel just disgusting.
I have long dreamed of learning animation, and this requires time, which I unfortunately do not have enough even for 6 hours of sleep.
So I decided to find another job, more easy in the physical plan. And I need to find it by January 10, because on that date I plan to write a letter of resignation from my current job. Hopefully, this change will give me at least a little bit of a break and at least once a week to draw art, learn animation, and also to clear my school debts.
So, my brother wanted to cheer me up...
Family Discussions-
Me (shows up to my best friends house) : oh no ones here
(proceeds to eat all of their bananas and cleans their kitchen)
An hour later
Best friend: hey I’m back! You didn’t have to clean!
Me: I know I don’t have to do anything! I do what I want!!!
Best friend (walks to the dinning room)
...
Best friend: Did you eat all the bananas ?!?!?
Me: I told you I do what I want!!!!