Trauma - Blog Posts

Wdym people can trust their parents?? Like, are there people who have actually been able to express themselves to their parents without having their feelings invalidated or used to stay in the abusive relationship?

It's a bigger lie than Boss could even make fr fr

Nostalgia

“don’t worry, shell eventually grow out of it’’

I never did

Change: A process through which something becomes different

With growth comes along change

I grew, yet I remain the same.

Maybe it’s the nostalgia evoking me, an attachment grasping me in what seems to be the past

‘’move on’’ How can I leave what tended to structure me?

In a manner I am an adult, yet a sense of maturity is still to be held

I’m taller!, I’ve grown! Somehow a child reminisces within me, a child which Iv not abandoned, he isn’t what I used to be, he is what I am, maybe not fully but an essence still floats within me, and I carry it wherever I go.

So, I’m a Writer on Wattpad with a pretty good fan following. I write SoC fanfiction. But the things which get to me and INFURIATES me are the smutty Kaz x Oc fanfictions. Kaz Brekker is a boy who can’t even stand skin to skin. A boy who fainted in a prison cart cuz of PTSD. As a person with touch phobia and PTSD, it's fucking impossible to touch the PPL you love with your trauma. And Like y’all are coming at me with the smutty Kaz x Oc fanfictions, and making me sick. I mean smut is okay, but Kaz Brekker is a boy who fell in love with Inej Ghafa ( his ONE and ONLY true love ) within two fucking years. And if you tell me he's having sex with your fucking Oc who has a friggin flat personality and like SeVeRe (fake) TrAuMa within A DAMN WEEK of knowing eachother I—I, I have no damn words.

me when the math final is only ten questions

The more I think I about it, the more I realise how alike Hunter from TOH and Fear Herself from MVT are.

Comparison

Upbringing:

Both Hunter and Arava had strict and demanding upbringings, leading to a sense of duty and resilience.

Hunter's upbringing was within the structured environment of the Emperor's Coven, while Arava's was on a tropical island with heavy responsibilities from a young age.

Manipulation and Exploitation:

Hunter was manipulated by Belos into believing he was his nephew and used as a tool.

Arava was exploited by her village for her powers, never receiving genuine appreciation.

Guilt and Internal Conflict:

Hunter's guilt stemmed from his fear of failure and his internal conflict with his loyalty to Belos.

Arava's guilt was more profound, rooted in the accidental death of her mother and the creation of demons.

Loss and Betrayal:

Hunter felt betrayed upon discovering the truth about his origins and abandoned Belos.

Arava experienced a significant loss when she was stripped of her Overseer powers, adding to her feelings of betrayal and inadequacy.

Emotional Turmoil:

Hunter's trauma manifested as anxiety, fear of being replaced, and difficulty forming connections.

Arava's trauma was more intense, with erratic behavior, deep-seated insecurities, suicidal tendencies, and a path to redemption.

Fractal | Shouto & Touya Todoroki | poetry/prose | 580 words

Shouto’s world changed when he woke up in the hospital. 

Touya’s world changed when he woke up in the hospital.

His face had been burned, the doctor told him. 

He had burned his body, a stranger told him.

Shouto remembered the shouting. 

Touya remembered the desperation.

The kind of argument that felt like it shook the walls around him. 

The disappointment in his father’s eyes, twisting up his insides as Endeavor shouted and raged and forced Touya to stop. 

(He was being burnt up)

(He was being replaced)

Long after the echoes of his father’s voice had faded, Shouto remembered walking into the kitchen. 

He remembered watching his mother’s unmoving form while she refused to say anything- anything- and then Touya blazed out the door without looking back to see if her expression had crumpled with regret.

He remembered watching his mother’s face flit from terror to anguish in the span of a breath as he entered, looking like she had been shattered by his soft-footed, pattering approach. 

By then, Touya knew better than to search for regret in his father’s eyes. 

And then the woman before him became unrecognizable.

Endeavor didn’t think Touya was strong enough but he was. He could be. 

Shouto burned with the memory of a pain more intense than any he’d ever felt before. 

Touya remembered the screaming in his veins, remembered the burn- harsher than anything he’d ever felt before. Remembered a startling break in the anguish and thinking, with his last shred of clarity, that this had to be good enough for his father. 

It left Shouto numb and shivering beneath the thin, white hospital sheets. 

It had to be. 

“Mom..?” Shouto croaked and the doctor shook his head no.  

It had to be. 

Shouto didn’t cry when he saw the scar marring his face, but something inside of him felt sick.

Touya didn’t cry when he saw his mottled, purple reflection held together by crude stitches. Or when they told him he had died. 

Shouto let the shock pool over him like ice and held the freezing shards close to his chest, hoping that they might be enough to douse the monstrous pain in his chest. 

The disappointment was his own when he realized that he hadn’t been enough, after all. That he never was and never would be. 

Shouto thought of the heat that always seemed to lick at his father’s eyes and fists when he shouted- warm enough to be felt even when Shouto couldn’t see the flames through his closed eyes or hear the words through his ragged, warbling breaths. 

The bitterness was his own, too, but the expression in the mirror was startlingly familiar. 

Heat thrummed uneasily beneath Shouto’s veins and the second he realized that the fire within himself was nothing more than his father’s furious legacy, pawned off onto Shouto like a lead shackle, was the second that Shouto Todoroki decided to freeze. 

The second that Touya realized he was wearing the face his father had always greeted him with was the second time Touya Todoroki died and left a rotten shell of himself to walk the earth. 

Shouto cast his eyes downward and didn’t respond to the doctor. 

He didn’t notice that his father couldn’t look him in the eye. 

Shouto grew older and decided that he and his mother were both victims of Endeavor. 

Touya grew smarter and decided that the world would soon know who had driven him to an early death.

Now that I'm POMO interactions with parents are weird. In a way I'm fortunate that my family is still willing to talk to me, but they still suck as people. Their abusive and continue to misgender me and be manipulative. It was really hard to say that "no, I don't want to meet up rn even for a meal" because I know how many people desperately wish they could have that offer. Even knowing how triggering it would be I almost said yes because I miss my parents. But I guess I more miss having parents I can trust and support me, than them specifically.

Not gonna lie… I’m pretty proud of these.

So, meet the sisters. They are triplets with the same mother, but different fathers (God pregnancy is weird, but if the Norse goddess Frey’s can give birth to more than half of the dwarf population every single day then these three can be triplets with different fathers). I got most of my knowledge of mythology from “Overly Sarcastic Productions” Go to YouTube and check them out, show them some love ❤️ they are really cool.

The Angst is strong with these three, and they all need some therapy.

Kami:

Age: 11-ish

PTSD: Claustrophobia, from her mom locking her in the closet so many times

The youngest sister, and the daughter of Zeus. No one is really surprised by Zeus’s offspring anymore sense he can never “Keep it in his pants” the second a pretty mortal catches his eyes. And like all the other times Zeus’s wife, Hera, finds out Zeus had an affair with some other girl, Kami is now on Hera’s hit list. (For real, how is she even still WITH Zeus with the amount of times Zeus has cheated on her?) Even though no one is surprised by how many offsprings Zeus has had, no one would’ve guessed in a million years that Kami is Zeus’s daughter. It’s Darwinism at work, Kami is the total opposite of her dad, she is; shy, quiet, timid, selfless, a little gullible and naïve, her self esteem is almost nonexistent, and is afraid of fighting. She hates it when her sisters argue with each other, she’s worried about ending up on the terms their fathers are on with each other. She has the strongest magic out of her sisters, it she’s afraid to use it after what happened with her mom. Her mom would lock her in the closet, sometimes even overnight after she would have magical outbursts (if you’ve ever seen “Shazam” think of when Billy simply points at Freddy and Lightning bursts from his fingers). At camp, they sleep outside instead of in cabins thanks to her claustrophobia.

Morgan:

Age: 11-ish

Doesn’t have PTSD

The eldest. Daughter of Poseidon. Her mother didn’t punish her so much because she had more control of her magic and dint use it so much. She’s Lesbian but knew her mother wouldn’t have approved or accepted it so she kept it a secret. She tries to help her sisters get over their PTSD, but with how calm she acts, Dabi Gets mad at her easily and they argue often. She’s the kind of person that has your back, but there’s no one to have her back. The only person that doesn’t have Morgan in their lives is Morgan. She has an older half brother and she was thrilled to meet him in Camp, but her brother isn’t as happy to see her because he thanks his dad just left him to rule Atlantis by himself and just went out to impregnate someone and leave him to deal with it. She saved her sisters by dunking sleeping pills in her mom’s morning coffee. Thanks to Morgan‘s ability to control water they could get freshwater on the streets without having to pay for bottles, because Morgan can filter the dirty water. she just wants her older brothers approval and that isn’t very healthy for her.

Dabi:

Age: 11-ish

PTSD: Haphephobia (The fear of being touched)

Gods bless Dabi, she went through the absolute worst of the abuse. The middle child, Daughter of Hades. Fair mom was a bit of a nut job when it came to Catholic religion and worship (which is funny when you think about how Hades is basically the Greek version of Satan) Hades tricked her into thinking that he was some kind of angel or some other kind of Holy Spirit to have Dabi with her. When the sisters were three, their mother took them to church to get the girls baptized. But the priest started to scare Dabi and she accidentally set the priest on fire with a sudden magical outburst. After that, their mother locked Dabi up in the basement, she was convinced that her daughter was possessed by some kind of demon and did every thing she could to make her body “inhabitable” for a demon that was never even there to begin with. Until finally, their mother decided to crucify Dabi… her sisters weren’t going to let that happen. Dabi still has nightmares about being locked up and has a hard time trusting people. She won’t even let her sisters touch her, it took a long while before she got used to Kami clinging to her out of fear and when Morgan touches her to try and calm her down, but she still burns them on reflex from time to time. Has an older half brother who is the camp counselor, but she doesn’t get along with him because he focuses too much on the camp instead of her. The first friend she ever made was the son of Ate, who’s a bit of a floozy. Rescued a Wolf-Dog and named him Harry, Morgan sometimes refers to him as a therapy dog. Is a Dog person like her dad. When Dabi finds out who her father is, she denies it at first, because, not only is her dad the king of the Greek underworld, her mom was also right about her after all these years.

So please feel free to ask questions about these three, I’m am honestly very happy with the way that these girls turned out. Sorry it’s so long I tend to ramble about my characters😅

Also Go and check out the origins of Olympus on YouTube they are where I got this idea from and I just had to post it, so go check out the Minecraft Origins Crew and show them some ❤️ as well

Hope you enjoyed and as always, have a day or night full of magic ☺️💕

Todo este tiempo me abstuve de decir un chingo de mamadas y publicar mis cosas porque pensaba que varios conocidos tenían mi cuenta o que usaban Tumblr

Bueno prepárense para los traumas y más traumas 🥳

Charlie : *running towards Dean with open arms*

Dean : *moves out of the way*

Charlie : Hey, why'd you move?!

Dean : I thought you were going to attack me?

Charlie : I was going to hug you??

Dean : Why would you hug me?

Charlie : WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?

The time the team found out Batman has a heart while simultaneously finding out Robin’s Identity...

There was an explosion during the mission. Unexpected, three down. But surprisingly, those three hadn’t suffered the worst of it. Sure, Atrimus had a sprained ankle and slight concussion, Wally suffered a few broken ribs and injured arm while Kaldur endured a broken nose and deep gash on his chest, they weren’t the one’s everyone was worried about. After they all split up, Wally and Dick had found the bomb with only a few seconds to spare. Wally used his body to cover Dick as he ran, ran as fast as he could to get him away but the force of it blew them out the window. Dick’s eyes widened as They fell, Wally’s arms still protectively tucking him into his chest while moving them so that he’d cushion the fall with his own body. The ebony seemed to have been in a trance after they landed on the grass below, fire raging and the team staggering out, Artimus being carried on conner’s back While m’gann helped Kaldur as he limped. Dick remained unresponsive, even as a very alive Wally had tried snapping him back. Then he went to shake him but this gut wrenching scream escaped the ebonys lips as he gripped his hair in anguish and doubled over with sobs. Everyone watched in surprise and horror as the youngest cried and screamed words in a language they didn’t understand.

That was then. They were all in the cave now, silently sitting in the living room without even trying to speak of what happened. No one even knew how to explain it. M’gann may have been able to read his emotion but they all felt it like it was their own as his screams continued to ring in their ears. His cries echoed through the halls as he was escorted to his room with Black Canary and refused to leave since. No one seemed to move.

“Recognized A01” the computer announced and they barely raised their heads to acknowledge the mentors presence.

“Wallace. Come with me.” He said in a rush as he could distantly hear his proteges cries. The ginger nodded absently but looked more like a husk as he followed. This snapped Kaldur out of his trained thoughts as he stood abruptly.

“I— would like to come, too!” He said, almost pleadingly. “I want to know what happened to my friend.

“No.” Batman said, still walking off, a hand on Wally’s back as he led them on faster.

“No?” The Atlantean scoffed.

“Well I don’t care what he says.” Artimus stood with a glare, seemingly pointed to nothing in particular. “I’m going to check on him.”

“Me too.” M’gann spoke from Conner’s chest. The feelings Robin was feeling leaked to her. The suffering of love and loss hit her like a roller coaster she wasn’t strapped into, the turns just daring her to fall out. Conner stood with her, still holding her as she didn’t seem metally stable to walk on her own. They all made the silent decision to go to see him. The closer they came to the bedrooms, the louder the screaming became. The wretch in their hearts slowed them until it came to a halt in front of a cracked open door with the sound of pure nightmarish shrieks. They looked amongst themselves before creaking the door open.

Robin was held tightly to Batman’s chest and sat in his lap on the bed as the man shushed him and pet his hair soothingly. Wally was sitting beside them, tears of his own running down his face.

“Tati, nu se vor opri. Vocile nu se vor opri!” (Daddy, they won't stop. The voices won't stop!) Robin sobbed into the man's chest, holding grips of his costume for his sanity.

“Richard, I need you to look at me.” The bat whispered to him quietly. Blue eyes looked up and the man wiped his tears with his thumb. “Wally is right here, by your side. Alive.” To prove it so, Wally grabbed one of the younger hands, the grip on Batman’s emblem coming undone to hold it tightly. “No one died tonight because you were able to tell the team on time.” Batman kissed the side of Dick’s head, rocking them slowly.

“Bruce… Mama and Papa… they…” Dick sniffled, silent tears trekking down his face, covering the dried paths.

“They’re gone.” Bruce said quickly. “They’ve been gone for years. You need to remember you still have a family.” He added quietly. “Barbra. Alfred. Me.”

“And you have me.” Wally’s voice broke as he joined with a small kiss to the boys knuckles that were white from his grip.

“They died because of me—” Dick sniffled, voice hitching in his throat.

“No no. They died so that you could live. I’m sure they’d be happy to die if it meant you stayed living in their memory.” Bruce corrected. Dick buried his face back into Bruce’s chest, Wally being pulled into the embrace as well. The others that stood at the door, unknown of what to do, left. The words spoken softly between the three all fresh in their memory, replaying like broken records. They all had trouble sleeping that night, quite possibly even more than Dick did. Though he had the comfort of Wally carefully spooning him and whispering sweet nothings while he drifted into restless oblivion. Needless to say, the team never saw Robin as a frail child again.

i want certain people to know that rn the only thing standing between me and their physical well being is the law

"Without your past, you could never have arrived- so wondrously and brutally- by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance.. here."

I recently saw a post from an asexual talking about how sex obsessed our society is and I am allo myself so I obviously don't know how it is from a perspective of someone who feels no sexual attraction. I have sexual trauma however so I tend to be a bit more sensitive towards sexual adds or nudes in media.

So I saw this advertisement in my city that was displayed on electronic screens that kinda scroll through two or three different ads, which meant the ad wasn't always showing but would rather kinda pop up. And this ad was just seriously a grown man completely naked with only a surgical mask covering up his penis.

I have no clue what this advertisement tried to sell/promote but when ever I encountered it, it would give me a fucking shock to my system because I was traumatized from being flashed by men without my consent for years.

It's a mystery to me how people can be opposed to queer media that might show them interact romantically or with kissing and cry out about how this promotion of same sex attraction is damaging kids with these over sexual things like gay marriage! Behaving like our media doesn't show half naked men and women constantly in advertisement and similar things to kids amd everyone else.

Sex is a huge part of our culture but it is handled in the most confusing way I can imagine. It's being used to sell products to us, however talking about it is not okay? There is so much double standard and paradox rules that create this hostile environment against anything or anyone who doesn't exactly do what the rules tell you to (ergo shut about your own sex live but endure any and all sexual media we promote to you because we know what you like better than you)

Asexual people, queer people, traumatized people and even anyone who likes things considered not "normal" or "the norm" is harmed by this systematically!!!!!

Sex isn't something bad, not wanting sex isn't something bad either!!!!!

Let people live their lives, identities and preferences however they want!!!!

Let's work towards a society in which people aren't constantly bombarded with a specific idea of what sex and anything surrounding it has to look like but rather are presented with a variety of diverse representation that they can consume.

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, nightmares, neglect, PTSD symptoms, and depressive feelings.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022 Part 3

10:30pm

I had a nightmare last night that repeatedly woke me up. I didn’t remember it until I was writing in my other journal. Last night, my Papa told me that my stepdad, James, came with my Mom to California to visit, which in hindsight, I should have realized that sooner. We talked about James being there and how Papa would react to meeting him for the first time, but initially, I was just joking around. It wasn’t until the nightmare that I realized how triggered I truly am by James.

It was about my Papa confronting James about his abusive treatment of my brother and I after getting upset. The situation was really aggressive and resulted in my Mom packing up their things and leaving early, while ending things with Papa.

I find it a little defeating and irritating that James still sets me off after all this time. I don’t think I’ve processed that trauma at all, and it clearly still affects me. I’m still harboring all this hurt and trauma from both him and my Mom. From the moment that man entered our lives, my mother stopped being a mom to me when I needed her to be. I’m disappointed and full of rage towards her and what my childhood was like from that point onward. I really don’t understand why I still talk to her, other than holding out hope.

I want so many things for my mother that I not only grieve my childhood, but also her experience. She is so powerful, resilient, and intelligent, but James stunts all of that. I wish that she felt that she could stand alone, and realize that she does not need him to carry on. I wish that she could have everything that she needs and wants, just not with him.

Now, I also wish that she had those things for my own benefit as well. To have a mother who is not trapped by a narcissistic man. She has only ever fulfilled his wants and desires and prioritized him, while neglecting me. I love my mother to death, but I also resent her. All because of her love life choices. I wish things were different…

I think that I need all the time I can have away from college, so that I can focus on myself and heal. I have so many desires that I want in this world, but it feels like it will never happen. I need the strongest reminder that things are going to be okay, that I will still have a chance, and that things are not over yet. Because I have not suffered through so much for this to be the end. I deserve to be on this journey to heal and I deserve every good thing coming.

Part 1 -- Part 2

Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.

There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.

So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?

My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.

hi my name is duchesstopaz and i’m a trauma survivor. there are so many things that i want to say, need to say… but no one who can understand if they don’t listen. i want to use my blog to just vent and get out all of this that needs an escape because it’s eating away at me. i am constantly evolving and changing and have grown so much over all of these years. i have a story to tell and this is one of the ways that i can share. so please watch as a 20 y/o shares way too much on the internet lol :). feel free to interact if you would like, feel free to give advice if you would like, but this is truly something purely for me that i would like to share.

Things they never mention when you cut off someone as a middle schooler:

Sometimes, it can take years to realize how bad things were.

You start out thinking that you just didn't click. Then you begin thinking of it as toxic. Then you start realizing it was manipulative. Then after 3 years, you can finally see it for what it was. You were being abused. It was an abusive relationship.

But you can't go around and say that. After all, you were both 13 and you didn't even date or anything. You were just friends. And sure he was bad to you, but didn't you mess up a bit too?

People tend to make their assumptions and tune out the rest of the story once you bring up that it was in seventh grade.

Meanwhile every time you have to see him in class, you die inside a little more. He makes eye contact with you once and you're in a state of panic for the rest of the week. You're scared that one day he's going to try and do something else- get revenge on you for rebelling against his control and refusing to be his little puppy anymore.

You walk the halls in terror. He could be anywhere, any time, ready to get back at you. He's tested the waters and learned how badly you fear him. He seems to take joy in that.

All your friends swear they would protect you, but you know they wouldn't be able to intervene quick enough to avoid any damage being done- mental or physical. You know that he's still stronger and more set in his views. He wouldn't lose any fight against you, it doesn't matter if he chooses words or fists.

You live in fear. Some don't believe you, others don't fully understand. Some swear to protect you, others seem to think you would deserve it. But no matter what, the only thing you know for sure is that if something happens, you are completely, and utterly, fucked.

TMNT 2003's duality never ceases to amaze

Trauma sharing time lol the first guy I went out with after my ex and I broke up attempted to choke me out. Now whenever anything touches my neck I'll gag or panic from the PTSD trigger of it. I put my x-ray gown on at work to do rads on this dog and the thyroid shield rubbed my neck wrong and it took everything in my power not to gag or rip it off. Will this ever go away 😭 it's been almost 5 years

Me trying to explain to people why I'm weird as fuck