Tw Dysphoria - Blog Posts

You ever look into the mirror and go ew

Cause honestly me all the time

I just see something that's not me, not ever going to be me. I know I'm never going to like that image in thr mirror until my chest is flat, I'm taller, I'm more muscular, I have facial hair, and I have a less feminine physique.

I don't think any of this is going to happen, so I don't think I'll ever like how I look.

I know everyone who ever sees me will see me as a girl. I see it in strangers when they talk to me. I see it when my family talks about me to others. I see it when friends accidentally misgender me. Like, I know they're trying, and they accept me, but it hurts to know they still unconsciously see me that way.

Idk

hahaha starting to slowly not recognize or love how i look when i look in the mirror...that's lovely

Toothache

Mirror mirror why do you show

The train that can’t be coming that slow

I feel the rumbling under my feet, in my bones and in my teeth

Mirror mirror why do you lie

Showing me a girl when I can’t fly

I feel the ache, the tears and all I’ve ate

Mirror mirror why have you forsaken me

Why don’t you show me what I could see

I see your cracks and blood and flack

Mirror mirror what have you done

What can I do to make us one

I see them here, dead and free

Why do I see them in your face, but only death stares in my place

Hi! Op Loki here in the explain-inator! Welcome those who are curious enough to step foot into the ‘keep reading’ box! I suffer from insomnia and occasional hallucinations during said insomnia episodes, which often can be somewhat useful in helping me pinpoint which part of my mental state caused this little bout of insomnia. Recently (for when I wrote this) I’ve been suffering from bodily autonomy issues due to my education’s strict policies and many people demanding my time and effort for their own conveniences. I usually have a hard time saying no to these people because they’re usually closer to me, and it got to the point where it was like ‘hold on a minute, this is *deadname*, not Legion/Loki’. When I thought about myself. And, well, the hallucination wanted to highlight the unstoppable passage of time, my autonomy issues, and the inherent dysphoria that comes with being LGBT in general. And, to do that, it chose time, mirrors, and vampires. But who am I to question- would this be Apollo? Thanks, Apollo, ik I’m still new to worship, but this helped. A lot. And Ares, for giving me the strength to fight.

Howdy, I’m Sonny, your local enby demiboy and I’m here to talk about ✨names✨

Okay so this is mostly a personal rant (feel free to skip)

Ok so

The summer before 8th grade I had determined I didn’t like being called my legal name or the (god damned) nickname that came with it. So I started thinking about names that could pass as nicknames for my legal name.

I was listening to musicals like I often do and in the heights came on, and I guess you can see where this is going.

I chose my name in honor and reference to Sonny and kept that spelling as a way to convince that it was derived from legal name.

And so I started introducing myself as Sonny. It made me happy, when people call me Sonny I would be more excited to answer, and my mom started introducing me to her friends as Sonny.

Mind you, I changed my name before I determined it was okay for me to question my gender.

When I accepted that I wasn’t cisgender I started to think of ways I could either come out to my mother or gain comfort without.

I have determined that I shouldn’t come out, not with how my mom see’s people who fall out of the binary and even those who just don’t associate with their AGAB.

But I started to drop hints that I dislike how my figure falls. Y’know specifically the stupid flash sacks hanging from my torso.

This is about the time that things started to change.

My mom stopped introducing me as Sonny.

It was slow at first

“Oh this is Sonny”

“Oh this is my DAUGHTER, *legal name* but SHE goes by Sonny”

“This is *legal name*”

“This is *god damn evil nickname*”

I don’t know if she suspects something, but she’s the type to confront you if she is suspicious.

That’s how I got dragged out of the closet as asexual.

But I just wanted to illustrate how bad it can make you feel when someone ignores your name.

When she stopped using my preferred name, it felt like she decided I didn’t have to be respected.

I don’t need to be acknowledged correctly.

I don’t have to feel comfort or joy when someone addresses me.

I don’t think that’s just me.

REAL

Like why can’t I be a being of mist or something???☹️☹️☹️

Nonbinary dysphoria is wack bc sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m like oh no I look too masculine and too feminine at the same time. 

Sometimes you just want to look like a blob. 

I'm not Trans but GODDANMIT!! Feels like i'm being thrown out the window...

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